Strength

Strength is a funny thing, I think.  A mystery.  Elusive even.  People keep telling me I am strong. I don't feel strong.  I have a few friends who are going through the same thing I am and at least one of them could run circles around me in her strength.  Everyone's situation is different, but when I look at these other women, I feel weak.

I am reminded of the saying, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the face of it."  Okay, so does that mean that because I am getting out of bed every day and moving forward through my life that I am strong and courageous?  I don't know.

Strength Defined:

strength

1. The quality of being strong.
2. The intensity of a force or power; potency.
3. The strongest part of something.
4. A positive attribute.

Synonyms

• fortitude
• power
• potency
• expertise

I am not sure that I qualify as "strong".  But, I do know that I can do what needs to be done.  I do know that in almost every single scenario in my life, I have landed on my feet.  I think that was one of the things that was most difficult to me about the failure of my marriage and why I hung on as long as I did, I have never really experienced things just going wrong no matter how much effort I put into it.  SO.... the thing that keeps a lump in my throat is the loneliness of the situation.  The lack of companionship and the lack of a partner in making decisions.  But this too is making me stronger.  I know that I can trust myself.  I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, it's just that I haven't had to make big decisions by myself in many years and therefore, I'm a little unsteady on my feet.  But you know what, I am starting to feel a little stronger now.  I'm praying my way out of the pit.  I'm learning that in situations where I would normally have a spouse to talk through things and help me make the decisions, I can talk to God and ask Him for guidance.  If I don't immediately feel an answer, I know that I should just sit on it.  This is hard for me because I hate leaving things hanging and I don't like to mull over decisions for too long.  But I'm learning.

So, what makes a person strong?  Is it strong if you can survive a heart break?  Is it strong if the ground is shaking and everything around you is smoking and unrecognizable, but you're still able to get out of bed?  Because I think that might be what I am doing.  I might be surviving and getting out of bed every day, I can't say that I'm doing much more than that, but I'm feeling my way through the darkness of the days and I do know, somewhere deep down inside me, that the thoughts of doubt I have are not real.  I know that there will be happiness for me somewhere down the road, one way or the other.  I don't know what that will look like, but whatever it looks like, I really trust that God will put me at peace with whatever that picture is.  Of course, I have some ideas that I am suggesting to him, but that God of mine, He has a mind of His own! :)

Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God,strengthen me just once more..."
Judges 16:28