The truth as I know it:

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time & miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands. ~~~ Kristi Larson

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Exhale....

What a week!  I can't say that I've been this happy to burn a week of my life in a long long time.  I thought there were bad weeks in my life from time to time, when I had something stressful coming up, when I was waiting waiting waiting in the adoption process... when I was planning a WEDDING!  UGH!  But I can't remember days on end where I would wake up unable to breathe prior to April 2010.  Even when I first realized that my marriage was in jeopardy, I wasn't nearly as stressed as I have been in the past few weeks. I think all the uncertainty, all the reality, and all the responsibility has come crashing in on me and I can't keep my head in the sand anymore.

I know there are several reasons this is occurring:  1) the Holidays... I've always always always loved the holidays.  When I was a little kid, my mom didn't really like the holidays and I never understood why we would leave our tree (artificial) decorated all year long with a sheet thrown over it in the attic.  My mom or dad (can't remember... probably my mom) would drag it down out of the attic on December 23rd or 24th.  It was pine with flocking and blue glass balls on it.  Reminded me of Elvis growing up, the whole "Blue Christmas" thing.  Anyway, that was my experience of Christmas as a kid.  December 26th, Elvis would head back to the attic for another 363 days.  Every Christmas night when the last package was opened, my dad would proclaim, "Well, there's another 365 days til Christmas."  So, when I left home I went a little Christmas crazy.  My mom's friends even threw me a Christmas shower where I registered for tons of decorations when I got engaged.  It was so fun.  Anyway, I always put my tree up a couple of days before Thanksgiving.  This year was no different.  I was determined that my holidays would not be depressing so I invited a few really close friends over to put out my decor and make sure that nothing was exactly like it has always been.  We got the stuff done and had fun in the process and I felt really good about the kick-off to my season.  But then, my kids left for Thanksgiving, I had the fight with my friend (not really a fight, it was more her telling me how disappointed she was in me and me just crying and apologizing, but that's another story for another time), I floated around on Thanksgiving day, and then Sunday through Wednesday I cried every moment I could.  Thursday was a little better, but I still had my minutes.  So, that's reason #1.

2) My birthday is this week.  Ugh!  I'm OLD!!!!  My dad keeps telling me that I'm in the best decade of my life (40) because I'm old enough to realize what matters, but young enough to still have alot of life ahead.  Doesn't feel like that... feels like I just have ALOT of life ahead (if it stays like this) or not much life left (if things get better.)

3) I am getting to the point in my process where I have to meet with attorneys and actually pull my head out of the sand (or my butt, depending on who you ask) and make decisions, face the music, realize reality, etc. etc. etc.  It's devastating.  Not what I wanted my life to look like.  Not how I anticipated the 40's rolling in.  But here I am, nonetheless.

SO.... in true Ondrea fashion, I only have patience for myself and any situation for a limited amount of time.  Call it compartmentalization.  Call it numbing.  Call it whatever you want, but I can't live my life for a long time in pain-land.  I just don't have the capacity for it.  I am not a victim, I'm a fighter.  I allow myself a period to grieve and then I put a smile and some lipstick on and get on with it.

So that's where I am today.  I'm getting on with it.  This business of grieving is heavy and hard.  It SUCKS!!!!!  There's no guarantee out there.  There's no promise of tomorrow.  There's no promise I won't be alone for the rest of my life and die that way.  But there's also no promise that I'll wake up tomorrow.  I'm going to make the most of what I have while I have it.  I'm going to focus on the four souls who need me the most.  Three of them were crawling on top of me this morning like little puppies in a whelping box.  It was pure joy and I just thought to myself, "if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life, but I'll NOT settle for less than what He has in store for me."  So, that's me today.  I know there are hard days to come.  I know that it's not over by any stretch.  I now that the next few weeks will be the hardest of my life in many ways as the sadness of my reality is square in my face.  I know I will need every single one of you to comment and to pray for me so that I can feel your arms around me, even though you aren't here.  I need all of you to prop me up, not only for me, but for my kiddos, so that I can keep a smile on for them.  They seem to do better if I'm better.  So, please, if you're a lurker, leave a comment.  If your a dear friend, leave a comment.  I've depended on you, my blog community, through so many times and here I am still needing you.  And I promise, one of these days, I will read your blogs again and I will pray and laugh with you too!  Right now, I'm just adrift in me!  :(

I LOVE this verse, it feels like balm to my heart!  Don't you just love Hosea?  Is there ONE man like him in all the world?

Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:11-13

10 comments:

http://knickknackpaddywack.blogspot.com said...

I will for SURE comment! why wouldn't I want to tell you how wonderful, beautiful, and talented you are and that you are an amazing strong woman. God's love will hold you up and His arms will hold you and you will be drawn so close to Him during this time. I love you friend and I am SO GLAD we reconnected. <3

Carol said...

Ondrea, I think about you and your beautiful children everyday. You most certsinly have my love and support. Even though we are in the cold north ( hey it's a vacation idea!) our prayers will still get there. I get the being alone and having to do it all (L is away for extended periods of time) stress. I have no wisdom except to take each day one piece at a time and try not to get bogged down in the many many things that have to be done. keep smiling.

Lindsay said...

"if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life"

lol - perhaps if we both moan a lot we'll wear him down :)

Carla said...

Ondrea, I'm proud to be a friend and a "lurker"! I love you to pieces and hurt so much for you. I promise that you will get out on the other side! And God is in this dark tunnel with you. He won't make you press through alone. Love you much, Sister.

Nicole said...

O,
First off I am 40 is :) And you know I agree that there is something really good about this age. You have already learned so many lessons from your teens ,20's and 30's. Although your physical vision and hearing may not be as good as when you were a kid, It seems that your spirtual vision and hearing is perfected. With you reaching your 40's look at it as a new start. God has some amazing plans for you I just know it. I know that right now it feels like you are alone but you are surrounded by many friends and family that love you . You lean on that and your faith.
And I have to say I am proud of you. It takes integrity and courage to stand up and say I am taking my life back!
Keep your head up girl :)
Happy birthday and I love you,
N

Team Bedzyk said...

Hi Ondrea, I have been where you are (and at about the same age) and I can affirm, it does get better. I met and married the best man I know two years after my divorce, and adopted 3 kids with him. I know you are hurting now, but get through the legal stuff and once you do, your load will start to feel lighter.

Focusing on the good things in your life is the right way to go. Spend time with your girlfriends when you don't have the kids. Take a class, join a gym. Your mind will try to tell you all kinds of negative things right now, but the reality is you will find love and happiness again- when you are ready.

Praying for comfort and love for you through this holiday season. I know it seems dark now, but the light is coming. Hugs :)- KIm

Kim said...

I know it is not easy. I have been there ... done that ... as the child of divorced parents.
But I also know Who promises to meet all of our needs.
I hear you saying that right now your greatest need is for His Peace. So that will be my prayer. That the Gardener of your heart will continuing planting seeds of peace. Because the seeds of this world only grow into weeds that will choke out all your peace. Trusting in Him will surely kill those weeds of doubt. I am confident that the watering of your tears, with the rays of His Light, will produce the most beautiful rainbow ever!
Love & Blessings,
Kim
"These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing. - 2 Corinthians 4:17

Kim said...

"I haven't a clue how my story will end,
but that's all right. When you set out
on a journey and night covers the road,
that's when you discover the stars."
Nancy Willard

Amy...who wanted 4. said...

Thinking and praying for you Ondrea. God will carry you through this uncertain time. Let go and lean on Him.

Kim Abraham said...

Ondrea,

Wishing you a Happy Birthday this week! I don't really have any great words of wisdom. My sister is going through a similar situation right now and there really aren't any words to make the pain go away. Just know that you are loved and respected by many, many people who want to lift you up during this time. Not to sound trite, but it always helps me to remember a saying that if God brings you to it, He will get you through it.

Blessings, Kim