What a week! I can't say that I've been this happy to burn a week of my life in a long long time. I thought there were bad weeks in my life from time to time, when I had something stressful coming up, when I was waiting waiting waiting in the adoption process... when I was planning a WEDDING! UGH! But I can't remember days on end where I would wake up unable to breathe prior to April 2010. Even when I first realized that my marriage was in jeopardy, I wasn't nearly as stressed as I have been in the past few weeks. I think all the uncertainty, all the reality, and all the responsibility has come crashing in on me and I can't keep my head in the sand anymore.
I know there are several reasons this is occurring: 1) the Holidays... I've always always always loved the holidays. When I was a little kid, my mom didn't really like the holidays and I never understood why we would leave our tree (artificial) decorated all year long with a sheet thrown over it in the attic. My mom or dad (can't remember... probably my mom) would drag it down out of the attic on December 23rd or 24th. It was pine with flocking and blue glass balls on it. Reminded me of Elvis growing up, the whole "Blue Christmas" thing. Anyway, that was my experience of Christmas as a kid. December 26th, Elvis would head back to the attic for another 363 days. Every Christmas night when the last package was opened, my dad would proclaim, "Well, there's another 365 days til Christmas." So, when I left home I went a little Christmas crazy. My mom's friends even threw me a Christmas shower where I registered for tons of decorations when I got engaged. It was so fun. Anyway, I always put my tree up a couple of days before Thanksgiving. This year was no different. I was determined that my holidays would not be depressing so I invited a few really close friends over to put out my decor and make sure that nothing was exactly like it has always been. We got the stuff done and had fun in the process and I felt really good about the kick-off to my season. But then, my kids left for Thanksgiving, I had the fight with my friend (not really a fight, it was more her telling me how disappointed she was in me and me just crying and apologizing, but that's another story for another time), I floated around on Thanksgiving day, and then Sunday through Wednesday I cried every moment I could. Thursday was a little better, but I still had my minutes. So, that's reason #1.
2) My birthday is this week. Ugh! I'm OLD!!!! My dad keeps telling me that I'm in the best decade of my life (40) because I'm old enough to realize what matters, but young enough to still have alot of life ahead. Doesn't feel like that... feels like I just have ALOT of life ahead (if it stays like this) or not much life left (if things get better.)
3) I am getting to the point in my process where I have to meet with attorneys and actually pull my head out of the sand (or my butt, depending on who you ask) and make decisions, face the music, realize reality, etc. etc. etc. It's devastating. Not what I wanted my life to look like. Not how I anticipated the 40's rolling in. But here I am, nonetheless.
SO.... in true Ondrea fashion, I only have patience for myself and any situation for a limited amount of time. Call it compartmentalization. Call it numbing. Call it whatever you want, but I can't live my life for a long time in pain-land. I just don't have the capacity for it. I am not a victim, I'm a fighter. I allow myself a period to grieve and then I put a smile and some lipstick on and get on with it.
So that's where I am today. I'm getting on with it. This business of grieving is heavy and hard. It SUCKS!!!!! There's no guarantee out there. There's no promise of tomorrow. There's no promise I won't be alone for the rest of my life and die that way. But there's also no promise that I'll wake up tomorrow. I'm going to make the most of what I have while I have it. I'm going to focus on the four souls who need me the most. Three of them were crawling on top of me this morning like little puppies in a whelping box. It was pure joy and I just thought to myself, "if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life, but I'll NOT settle for less than what He has in store for me." So, that's me today. I know there are hard days to come. I know that it's not over by any stretch. I now that the next few weeks will be the hardest of my life in many ways as the sadness of my reality is square in my face. I know I will need every single one of you to comment and to pray for me so that I can feel your arms around me, even though you aren't here. I need all of you to prop me up, not only for me, but for my kiddos, so that I can keep a smile on for them. They seem to do better if I'm better. So, please, if you're a lurker, leave a comment. If your a dear friend, leave a comment. I've depended on you, my blog community, through so many times and here I am still needing you. And I promise, one of these days, I will read your blogs again and I will pray and laugh with you too! Right now, I'm just adrift in me! :(
I LOVE this verse, it feels like balm to my heart! Don't you just love Hosea? Is there ONE man like him in all the world?
Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.