The truth as I know it:

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time & miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands. ~~~ Kristi Larson

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

It's the Little Things

I am not really sure how to word this post so that my mom doesn't freak out... cause I think some of the experiences I want to share are normal and natural and they don't mean that things in my life are "wrong", but I have a friend going through some hard stuff in her marriage right now and it just has brought up alot of stuff for me. I honestly feel lonely thinking of the lonely spot she is in right now.  It's heartbreaking!

First of all, Hawaii is a very hard thing for me to get past.  I loved life in Hawaii in many ways.  It was SO hard to be so far away from everything familiar, but at the same time, being so far away was a bit of a reprieve from the demands and obligations of a lifetime lived in one spot.

Secondly, I am a Southern girl through and through, and I LOVE that I am... but the culture of the island is warm and "southern" in alot of ways.  So though I was an "outsider" to the kama aina (locals), I appreciated that they had such a strong and rooted community.  It isn't unlike being from the South.

So I miss Hawaii a little bit every day.  It's very hard to explain to people, but it's the one place I've ever lived where my SOUL didn't feel restless.  I longed for things back home, but I felt "at home" there in so many ways.

So that is a hard place to start, missing something so magical that is so unattainable.  And then there is my life.  My life really resembles NOTHING familiar.  Brian and I spent almost 20 years building this vision of what we wanted for the rest of our lives.  We had invested several hard years.  Tight budgets.  Stressful circumstances.  Miscarriage.  Adoptions.  And we had come through those and were on the other side, poised at a place to enjoy what we had spent time and effort building.  I MISS that life.  When I say that, I don't know how to explain what I mean.  I mean I miss having married friends.  Married women abandon their friends when they get divorced. I'm not the only one, my divorced friends and I have talked about it... very few of us have kept the friends we started with.  I miss my married friends.  I miss staying home with my kids alot of days.  I miss being able to do something with friends any night of the week, not just Thursdays when the kids are with their dad.  (That's probably part of the reason friendships fade.)

And yet, I look at my life and where I was two years ago on this day, or even a year ago on this day, and I've come so far.  There was such a long period of time that my life was totally out of control.  I felt like I was groping my way through a dark room every single day.  Little by little, the light grew brighter and now, most days, I'm walking with clear vision.  What does that look like?  I'm making a conscious effort to invite some old friendships back into my life, and consciously building new friendships, very carefully.  I'm figuring it out as I go, I'm learning the things that can bounce when they are dropped and the things that fracture when they fall.  I'm finally setting the coffee pot the night before I go to bed, instead of waking up to no coffee.  That's the little thing.  It's funny, I never made my own coffee the whole time I was married.  And when I was first alone, that was one of the loneliest parts of my day.  Waking up every morning to an empty coffee pot was just bleak and sad.  I finally got used to making my own coffee, but it's just been in the past month that I've begun to set the pot the night before so that it's waiting for me when I come downstairs.  It's little things like that, I find myself doing all of a sudden without too much thought, that let me know I'm making progress.  I'm doing it.  It's unbelievably hard some days.  But we are thriving and in the end, that's all that really matters.  One day at a time, with God's grace, we are all where we need to be for right now. 

I would just ask you, if you have a friend going through a divorce or anything really hard in their life.  Stick it out with them.  Lock arms and walk with them.  If they get a little crazy at times, be gracious, understand, talk to them about what you see, but don't cut them out of your life.  Believe me, you may need them at another time.  And even if that time never comes for you, one or two years down the road, you will have a friend who would take a bullet for you.  Just try to endure.  This road I've traveled may be one of the loneliest places on earth.  Your friend needs you!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Open Letter

My cousin, Letricia, sent an e-mail to my mom.  Just as a side note, she mentioned that she missed reading my blog.  And that sort of got me thinking about all the stuff that's happened since I left blogging... And alot has happened in the lives of alot of my blog friends too.  And alot of my real life friends too for that matter.  And it seems like alot of us are going through the same thing... divorce.  So, I wanted to write an open letter to all my friends who have gone through a divorce over the past few years, or even who have just gone through a heartbreak. 

And I had alot of thoughts about it... first of all, the number one thing I have learned is it's NOT about who your ex says you are... it's about who God says you are.  You've heard "one man's trash is another man's treasure" and this is true, but I think more importantly, one man's trash has to be YOUR treasure.  You have to treasure yourself and let God treasure you too.  And there are alot of things God says about who YOU are.  If you haven't read Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas or Believing God by Beth Moore, then you don't likely know the full scope of how enthralled the Lord is with you and your beauty!  Read those if you are heartbroken!  Actually, read those even if you aren't. 

And also, my only other real piece of advice to you would be this... let yourself fall apart sometimes, but try hard to do it in front of people who won't judge you for falling apart.  I recently heard an explanation of "don't cast your pearls before swine" (you know the story from the Bible) as share your pain ONLY with the people who have earned the right to hear it.  And I can tell you, that even people who have earned the right through good times, won't be worthy of hearing what you are like in the worst time.  I have friends and even people I barely knew who came along side me during the absolute WORST I had to offer the world.  They walked with me and let me fall apart in the ugliest of ways (you all know that ugly cry, and mine went on for days sometimes.)  I was an absolute burden to a few special people who God sent to help me carry the overwhelming load I was shouldering.  I had some friends who were absolutely steadfast in their support of me throughout every trial I had faced in married life who just didn't have the stomach for the shit storm of divorce.  And I can't think of a better way to describe what happens to your life when you get divorced.  But I've come to learn and accept that there are people in seasons of your life according to what THEY can handle, not what YOU need.  And I don't judge those people for their decisions.  It hurt like hell in the moment as the mass exodus occurred, but now, in the aftermath and hindsight, I can see that this wasn't their fault.  It is just how things are.  And I have done the same to people in my life as well.  When things hit too close to home, or when things get too difficult to deal with, we all have the capacity to abandon ship.  Even Peter left Jesus when the going got too tough.  And surely none of us have more motivation than he did.  So be it.

And after you fall apart, in front of those worthy people who will still be standing with you the next morning, put on your lipstick, hold your head up, and put on the biggest smile you can muster.  Swing for the fence every day.  Fake it til you make it.  Look your absolute best every time you leave the house because you never know when you'll meet your next husband or your worst enemy and you want to look like a million bucks either way!  

And then I thought about the words of a song by Kelly Clarkson, and I wanted to give it to all my friends who might need a little spark. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter  
Footsteps even lighter  
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

And Katy Perry (she knows a thing or two about heartache herself):

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine


You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know....

So, my friends, to all of you who tell me that I look amazing and that I seem so happy, I would just say that in general, I've made my peace.  It's still hard alot of days.  Last night when I was using a jig-saw to remove the floor of my under-sink cabinet so I could see if there was mildew, I was feeling REALLLLLL sorry for myself, let me tell you.  There are still days when I get angry cause this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out and "it's not fair" (yes, I sound like a 2nd grader on the playground.)  But, there are alot more days when I wake up and think "I'm gonna be fine."  I know I'm going to be okay.  I don't know what that's going to look like, but I know that it's true.  So if you're new to the "parenting plan" thing, then I'll just tell you that it SUCKS sometimes.  When my kids leave for an entire week, I am two jumps ahead of a fit by the end of their time away.  But you get through it, you learn to adjust, and you take your victories where you can get them.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  And then kick your own butt when you've been sad for too long cause feeling sorry for you isn't going to help anyone!  And then if you can't pull yourself out of the death spiral, call a friend, or call me, cause I promise you I won't judge! 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


I am sitting here in my house tonight, it's quiet, we have everything we need.  I am just reminded, even though I wasn't looking for Him today, of my constant need for Him, whether I acknowledge it or not.  Everyone has "those days".  I was on a sales call today and ran into another salesman who said, "I think I'm having one of 'those lives'"  And I chuckled, but I could so relate.  I wanted to ask him if he is in a season of difficulty... because they are all seasons.  But I'm so thankful for Exodus 14:14 and the constant promise that if we (according to the Message version) "close our mouths", God will do all that needs to be done!  :) 

Exodus 14:14
14 God will fight the battle for you.
    And you? You keep your mouths shut!”

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Equal Yoking

Well, I've been around the blog world since what seems like before 'Nam.  Things and people have come and gone in my life.  And boy have things changed!  And I've taken break after break, tried to start new blogs, and what not, but in the end, I think in blog posts and I have a commitment to this particular blog, a loyalty, if you will, that won't let me quit this specific chronicle, so here I am again!  Whew!

What have I learned in two years of hard living and hard lessons?  Wow, SO much!  But one thing I've learned that has come to me in the past few days is this.  When God talks about being equally yoked with someone, He wasn't (Granma forgive me) talking necessarily about Christianity and your belief system.  I have come to believe that He was talking about being with someone who was, well, I don't really have a better way to say it... equally yoked.  When I got married at age 27, I thought I had won the marriage lottery.  Everything was perfect!  But I was a country girl,  he was a city boy.  I was a (for lack of a better term) "tractor pull" and he was a "wine taster."  I was raised in a small town (if you want to know more about that, consult John Mellencamp.)  He was raised in the city.  Farm and country life were in my blood.  He had spent a little time on his grandparents "farm" (acreage in Mississippi with a big garden), but it was always more of a novelty.  I think he didn't really "get" what it meant to me that my great grandfather had gotten my family home through the homestead act.  I know of about 6 addresses he had occupied as a child.  I grew up in ONE house from the time I was almost two until I moved to college.  I grew up with a Daddy who I thought could do anything and a Mama... not a "mom" like city-folk have, but a "Mama!"  Not Mommy like rich kids.  Mama!  What people from small Southern towns have.  Mama and Granma knew how to set a formal table.  We never EVER served ourselves from the stove on Sunday.  We never EVER sat down without a real cloth napkin at our plate.  So... all that to say that neither of us grew up "wrong", but miles and worlds apart. 

I was reading back through some old journals of mine and I found entries where I was wondering, even back in 1996, if I would ever get to move back to a place where I felt at "home."  I'll say, since that time, I've moved to a smaller community and I'm known by alot of people and I now (since being single) have started banking at a small bank where they know my name.  There's just a difference in the way we do things that, neither right or wrong, is just fundamentally different.  I don't think any of these things are deal breakers, by any stretch of the imagination.  I was sailing along quite happily and contently the way things were.  Please don't hear me criticizing or complaining because, by no means is that what I'm doing.  I loved my ex-husband's family.  I loved being in that life.  But now that I've been out of that world long enough to take a real look at it, I can see that there were some quintessential differences that were not "equal yoking."  I have many fears and worries as a single mom.  And I'm not "playing the single mom card", don't feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life!  But I do worry about some things being alone that I didn't worry about before.  I lock all my windows now before I go to bed.  I miss the luxury of being able to sleep with the windows open.  And that's just one small example.  But on the flip side, there are alot of aspects of my life that I have "reclaimed" (to steal a phrase from my months of counseling.)  There are some things that I feel far more at home with now than I did before.  I don't like many of the aspects of single life at this juncture (the world is made for couples at 43.)  But there are some things that just fit better now... the little rebel girl who went barefoot and wore John Lennon sunglasses and always marched to the beat of her own drum has now regained her voice in many ways.  She was always in there, but she felt that she needed to be a "respectable adult" for many years.  So... I needed a place to lay this down and this felt like the safest place to do it.  My faithful friends who followed this journey have earned the right to hear some of the good things that have come from the very bad things that brought them. 

Love y'all!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Running... barefoot

So, most of you know, if you've been here in the past year, that I'm a bit of a running addict.  I have used running as therapy for so long now that I literally cannot live without it.  I'm not overstating it.  Case in point... I just ran the Music City 1/2 Marathon a couple of weeks ago (my time was underwhelming and I was very disappointed with the run overall, but that's a whole other topic.)  Anyway, I trained for this half with a stress fracture in my right hip and I can honestly say I've NEVER experienced the kind of pain I was in while running for the last three weeks of training.  Child birth was a walk in the park compared to running on a fractured hip bone.  Aye-aye-aye.

So, I was told that I need to rest the hip for 6 to TWELVE (that's right, I said, 12!!!) weeks.  Gulp!  I can't run?  At ALL?????  You say what?  So, here I sat for the past 2 weeks, getting more and more depressed.  When your body is used to a certain level of adrenaline and exercise induced endorphins, it's very difficult to go cold turkey.  SO... I have filled my sad time with a book, Born to Run (which I highly recommend to ANYONE who has even the tiniest interest in running... it's not a book about how to run, but rather a book about lots of different people who run, these "running people" come from every single country and culture, but they are very interesting characters.)  In reading the book, I have become CONVINCED that my injuries are primarily from wearing running shoes.

There's tons of science and explanation behind it, you'll just have to read the book if you want to know all the data, etc.  Or Google "train to run barefoot" and you'll get an overload of information.  But basically, what I've realized is that God created our feet to be the perfect running platform.  He put the arch in the middle of our foot.... ever wonder why?  Because the arch is the strongest structure and can bare the most load in architecture.  That's right!  The more weight you put on an arch, the stronger it gets because it presses in on itself.  But what happens when you put a support beam under an arch?  You destroy it's strength because you put the weight on the support beam... eventually the arch will collapse.  Helllllooooooo!?!?!  Isn't that exactly what we've done to our feet?  God's design, of course, is perfect and ingenious.  So, I'm going back to the basics.

Before you chastise me about glass and sharp objects, I bought some VERY flimsy, flat, minimalist running sneakers.  I am wearing them all but 1/2 mile on very short runs right now.  I did 2.5 yesterday, 2 in the flimsy shoes, .5 totally barefoot.  I'm building up my thick soles, I'm trying to do this the right way (for once.)

So, if you're not a runner, this blog post has probably been the most boring ever... but if you want a fascinating read about people who can run up to 300 (yes, I said three HUNDRED) miles at a time... pick up Born to Run... it's great and very interesting!

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Wide awake at 2:00 AM

So, I'm awake at 2 AM... I shouldn't be.  I have two kids who are likely going to be home tomorrow with the same thing I was home sick with last week.  I should be in bed.  Dangit!  And I certainly SHOULD be doing something else if, in fact, I insist on being awake... I should at least be folding laundry or something else reasonably productive.

Instead, here I sit with a jar of almost completely consumed nutella, a long list of new pins on Pinterest, and the song Breathe by Anna Nalick stuck in my head!  :)  (I think it's stuck because, well, it's 2 AM... and that's how the song starts....

Two am, and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake 
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? 
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season 
Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes 
Like they have any right at all to criticize 
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason 

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table 
No one can find the rewind button, girl 
So cradle your head in your hands 
And breathe, just breathe 
Oh, breathe, just breathe 

May he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss 
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist 
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year 
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while 
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles 
Want to hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it 

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table 
No one can find the rewind button, boys 
So cradle your head in your hands 
And breathe, just breathe 
Oh, breathe, just breathe 

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout 
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out 
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again 
If you only try turning around 

Two am, and I'm still awake, writing a song 
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer 
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to 
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud 
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to 

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table 
No one can find the rewind button now 
Yeah, sing it if you'll understand 
And breathe, just breathe 
Oh, breathe, just breathe 
Oh, breathe, just breathe 
Oh, breathe, just breathe

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Seems like I've said this alot....

But is anyone still out there?  It's weird to me how much I think about my blog buddies... I wonder what y'all are up to.  I wonder if anyone wonders what I'm up to! :)

Anyway, what I'm up to is this...

Running... I'm training for a half marathon in April and not feeling too confident about it either.  I am just not feeling it the way I once did.  A knee injury in my right knee has produced hip pain and joint pain on the left side, most likely from over compensation... ugh.  Getting old sucks but it certainly beats the alternative I suppose.  :)

Living... I am not certain about the future at all.  I'm scared alot about practical matters now... money, insurance, health, etc. etc.  Where I once focused on happiness and would I ever survive, now all that is falling into place, but I start to worry about the stuff that I don't have answers for.  But I know that God has provided for me EVERY single day of my life.  I know that He is faithful.  And I know that when I leap, the net will appear.  So that's what I'm focused on now... just focusing on the dream and ultimate goal (raise successful and compassionate kids, glorify my God while doing it, and have as much fun as possible along the way.)  I think if I keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak, the rest of the stuff will reveal itself in time.

So... that's me.  What have YOU been up to lately?