This blog has been everything from a little scrap book of my kids, to rambling thoughts on whatever crossed my feeble brain, to trials and tribulations of trying to live a life a world away from my beloved friends. But this one is most likely going to be a shocker for many of you, so if you're here because you followed or know me, you better have a seat.
I've had a very big secret in my life for quite a while. I shared it with only one other soul in the world for 14 months. Then I slowly began to share, only on an as needed basis, in June of this year. Now, most people who know me personally, in real life, know the story, in one form or the other. But the silence here, in blog world, has been a hard one for me. See, you are my friends too. You have been such an enormous source of support for me through many hard times in my life. So I am ending my silence because I need you all now.
My husband and I separated the day after we returned from Hawaii. That was June 4, 2011. It had been a very long time coming. Probably 20 months or so, to be exact. 14 months of that time, I was aware that it was possible, but I held on with all I had, hoping that I could affect the outcome of my life. Once again, I am learning that I have very little control over anything. A lesson God continually teaches me... "Let go and let God!" But June 4 is a day that I will never forget as long as I live, to date the hardest day I've lived through. That's saying alot because I've buried very beloved grandparents, a sister, and faced infertility. But this topped all my experiences in the pain department.
The particulars of why and what are really not important anymore. I thought they were when he first left. I thought people needed to know the details, or at least a broad reason why. I thought people would think less of me, like I was somehow a failure, if I didn't share some of how this came to be our reality. But what I have learned is that people DON'T need to know. That only really makes things worse. It only brings opinions and suggestions and none of that is really all that helpful.
I've learned SO much about being supportive during this process. God has groomed me into something different through all this pain. I realize I've made so many mistakes in the past, while thinking I was being supportive.
At this point, I've stopped living in blinding pain. The kind of pain where you are on auto-drive, no thought or reason goes into your actions, you're completely in survival mode. You know the kind, it's the one where you live in the fight or flight portion of your brain, every single even triggers a response that is not necessarily a strategic or well-executed one. I'm now finally, I believe, moving into real acceptance. How do I know this? I think I am able to handle things more rationally, I don't feel like I am grasping and grabbing at anything and everything that might stop the pain.
If you know me in real life, and you've offered support or help, you cannot imagine the gratitude I feel toward you for the late night calls, the offers to help with the kids, the little drop-in visits, the flowers, the meals, and everything else people have done for me. It's hard for me to accept help sometimes, I want to believe, and I especially want everyone else to believe, that I have it all together and I can handle it. But every kind gesture was felt and appreciated, even though I was usually too proud to ask for help. Thank you for guessing at what might be helpful and just doing something. I've learned, through this experience, not to ask people what you can do for them. Just do SOMETHING!
My main focus right now is to protect my children and make sure they have as little fall-out from all this as possible. Everyone knows there is no way to completely shield them from the affects, but Brian and I are both committed to making sure they don't carry the burden of this very difficult, very adult situation. That is the main reason I regret ever giving details to anyone, I would never want my kids to hear second-hand all the reasons behind this life we are living. They are my focus. They are my future for now, and they are absolutely without a doubt what has kept me from staying in bed every day. I can see that I would have spiraled dangerously out of control if I had been given that luxury. I have said many times that my children saved me, but now I know in a new and completely different way that they continue to save me. I got out of bed every morning for them. I put a smile on my face and didn't cry in front of them. I made sure there was food in the house for them, not because I cared at all about eating or smiling or even living. Because of them, and by the grace of God, I am back among the living now. The pain is there, but it is manageable. I can see through the fog, though the fog still exists. I have been given the gift of clarity. Clarity about some things I wish were still unclear. I know now, who my friends are, who can be trusted, who can be depended upon, and who will be there when the pieces fall and break. It's good to know. Though that, too can be painful in it's own way.
So, my virtual friends, I have now come completely out of the closet. This is out there for the world to see. You have graciously asked me to end my blog silence, but I am sure this is not the way you thought I would end it. Your prayers for peace and continued clarity are very much appreciated. The road is narrow and fraught with false prophets, discernment is difficult and critical.
All my love to all of you for your precious presence in my life.