But God wasn't sending me a plane ticket in the mail and He wasn't in any great hurry to reveal His motives to me either. As usual, His timing, not mine.... dangit! So I sat, friends and family came and went, more friends and family booked tickets, and each time someone left I wished I was going with them and worried how long it would be before I saw them again. But now, I'm starting to be okay with the waiting. I'm "settling down" as I would say to my kids and not so anxious or impatient for God to "let me go" home again. I'm starting to understand that He has me here, in this time-out, for a reason. And the slowed pace may very well actually BE the reason. I am finding that it's much easier to find time to spend with God on my own here. I first started out frantically trying to find a Bible study because I knew I needed someone to keep me honest about the time I spent with God. But now, I'm finding that I'm doing okay for now, just seeking Him each day on my own. Meandering around through the Bible is okay for now. I have never been one who could really sit down and read the Bible without a "purpose", a lesson plan, or a search for specific Scripture in relation to a circumstance. Now, I'm finding that it's okay for me to just wander through God's Word, sometimes recalling familiar stories and verses I have heard 1,000 times, other times, finding new stories or new details to stories that I hadn't given notice before. (Maybe it's because they sound totally different now that I'm not reading them in the King James. As far as I know, the only Bible I owned was King James until I was 25.)
Today, Meg had a play date with a friend from school. My two favorite little girls from her class were including her in a play-date and I was so happy that she was finally getting some friends to play with. When I got to the home, it was so inviting, the little girl's mother had made blueberry muffins and coffee, the smell was wonderful, the home was so inviting and cozy. And the two other moms and I sat around the kitchen table talking for two hours to the sound of our girls giggling and singing. It was a little slice of heaven. Finally, I had some "comforts" of being in a familiar setting. We chatted and talked and they were asking about our transition, and the word, "isolated", came out of my mouth regarding our move. And that's the first time I think I had put a name to what I felt. I wasn't so much lonely, though there were moments, I wasn't so much homesick, though I certainly have been at times, I was just restless and something else.... and today I realized what it was. I have felt isolated. I've felt so disconnected from friends. I have no real opportunities to go home. I mean, besides the fact that it costs around $1000 to get home, I could stomach that if I really needed to; but it's a very difficult trip. It's a long way to go for a few days, and I can't see leaving the kids longer than that. So I've just gotten no peace at all about planning a trip back. And I think it's been the right decision. God is slowly but surely revealing to me that the peace of being still is exactly what He wanted for me right now.
I tend to think that when God corners me and demands my attention, He is trying to move me in a new direction, tell me something He wants from me, or generally rock my world. But this time, I don't really know if that's what it's about. I don't think God always has to have my attention to tell me to GO somewhere, maybe what He's trying to tell me is that He just wants my attention, without motive or ultimatum, He just wants me to listen... it's never been my strong suit (just ask my husband and friends) but I'm really trying to learn.
But I'm still getting pierced! :)