Okay, never mind....

Okay, I first wrote this rambling nothing post because quite frankly, my head is a spinning mess with God's goodness and what He's doing in me right now. But it turns out that I am just no longer able to write about nothing specific and I logged off feeling very dissatisfied (kind of like when you force yourself to have the carrots when you really wanted the Snickers bar) and very unintentional in my words. I shared with Gwen today that I really could feel very overwhelmed with everything I think He's calling me to, but I won't let that first tear fall because I'm afraid the dam will be breached and there'll be no stopping the flow once I get started.

One thing that has REALLY been on my mind is this comment that was left on my blog by an anonymous reader regarding this post:

"Maybe the readers whom you lost came to your blog to read cute kid stories, or to follow Meg's progress since she came home. I know that's why I read it.

It's wonderful that you have strong faith and want to spread the word, but honestly, that's not what I'm looking for in the blogs that I read. I'm looking for a little entertainment when I'm drinking my coffee or have a few minutes to waste on the computer.

I'll confess that I skip the 'churchy' posts but read the cute kid posts. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings.

4:58 AM"

First let me say that this really, really didn't hurt my feelings. I took it as an honest comment on why this particular anonymous person reads my blog and I actually am not at all offended that this is what she (or he) is looking for here.

Then I thought, "Oh, it must be the VERY early hour this person has to get up to have time to themselves"... notice the time stamp BEFORE 5 AM. I wouldn't want to read anything "churchy" at four anything AM. hmmm, must think more on that "churchy" label, but that's not the point.

The point is that I thought alot about this comment. It affected me for several days and it kept going through my head, because, you know, I'm a girl who likes to be liked as much as the next fellow. Ｉwant to give my readers (both of you) what you come here for. And I kept asking myself, "Am I "churchy"? Do I preach? Does everyone really just want to see cute pictures of my kiddos and not really want to know anything more about me than the fact that I have funny, cute kids and I barely hold it all together every day, but for a few too many ounces of caffeine?"

And then I realized something... those "cute kid only" blogs are NOT the ones I go to... and it's not always where Jesus has my heart. Oh sure, there are a few kids only zones I visit, but those are the ones where I KNOW the kids or have a connection with the kids (probably they are adopted from somewhere near or sometime around when my kids were adopted.) The blogs I feed on, the blogs that fuel me, challenge me, and spur my days and keep me digging deeper into what God wants from me are the ones that have something to say beyond the cute kids. And because that's what I like to read, that's also what I am inspired to write. It's sort of like a statement I read from Matthew Kelly where he says, "show me what books you are planning to read this year and I will show you what you will do with your year." I believe that. Not counting Twilight, I haven't read much fluff in the past five years. I want to have a good beach read, mind numbing feel good just read and smile kind of stuff. But I just don't know, it's not where my heart is.　I start to feel restless after about ten pages. I feel an urgency about the fact that there are people who don't know Jesus and then, you know, too, there are all the babies to save and all the hungry to feed and well, who has time in a day for everything I need to pray about and beg God to use me in?

So, that brings me to my next point, which is this.... I really pretty much realized that this blog is a very personal walk in a very public place. It's therapeutic for me to set it all down somewhere. It feels like it lightens the load a little when I am able to lay it out there, sort of like wearing my Gwen shirt, you know, it's not that I have to carry this burden for the orphans all by myself because, well, you guys can share it to. And then at least I've said it. I have to tell SOMEONE about the 147,000,000. Hey, it's possible that there is someone reading this who doesn't know there is an orphan crisis. SO, to that end, I think another reason why I couldn't just take the comment lightly is because when you lay yourself bare like this, when you really and truly confess all the good, the bad and the ugly, it's kind of a little sad when someone says, "Yeah, great, but I really only want to know the good stuff about you." Don't get me wrong, this is NOT an attack on "anonymous." I totally get what she/he was trying to say.... it's a tough world out there, there's enough to worry about without taking on my problems too. I get it, I really do, and I appreciate the fact that there are people out there who might be bored by my burden, and that's okay, really, I still love you and I still love that you want to see my cute kiddos, because, after all, in the end that's the best part of who I am anyway. But having said that, I do feel a certain urgency about the matter and sometimes I just don't have it in me to post about the fluffy stuff because on that particular day, the rest of the stuff just seems too, well, urgent.

But no matter how bad it gets, my children are still hysterical. There are still alot of sweet moments that I would love to share with you. There is still alot of progress to be made in me and plenty of cute kid stories to be shared. Ｉam a work in progress as a mom and as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and as a neighbor and I'm learning every day that the most important humor is when I laugh at myself. I just thought you ought to know, though, that if you stop by and it's not all about the trials of motherhood, it might still be worth a look. And if not, then that's okay too, just skip it until you feel ready to pick up some of the bricks for the wall, that's all.

James 4:17
"It is a sin to know what you ought to do and not do it."