The truth as I know it:

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time & miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands. ~~~ Kristi Larson

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Okay, never mind....

Okay, I first wrote this rambling nothing post because quite frankly, my head is a spinning mess with God's goodness and what He's doing in me right now. But it turns out that I am just no longer able to write about nothing specific and I logged off feeling very dissatisfied (kind of like when you force yourself to have the carrots when you really wanted the Snickers bar) and very unintentional in my words. I shared with Gwen today that I really could feel very overwhelmed with everything I think He's calling me to, but I won't let that first tear fall because I'm afraid the dam will be breached and there'll be no stopping the flow once I get started.

One thing that has REALLY been on my mind is this comment that was left on my blog by an anonymous reader regarding this post:

"Maybe the readers whom you lost came to your blog to read cute kid stories, or to follow Meg's progress since she came home. I know that's why I read it.

It's wonderful that you have strong faith and want to spread the word, but honestly, that's not what I'm looking for in the blogs that I read. I'm looking for a little entertainment when I'm drinking my coffee or have a few minutes to waste on the computer.

I'll confess that I skip the 'churchy' posts but read the cute kid posts. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings.

4:58 AM"

First let me say that this really, really didn't hurt my feelings. I took it as an honest comment on why this particular anonymous person reads my blog and I actually am not at all offended that this is what she (or he) is looking for here.

Then I thought, "Oh, it must be the VERY early hour this person has to get up to have time to themselves"... notice the time stamp BEFORE 5 AM. I wouldn't want to read anything "churchy" at four anything AM. hmmm, must think more on that "churchy" label, but that's not the point.

The point is that I thought alot about this comment. It affected me for several days and it kept going through my head, because, you know, I'm a girl who likes to be liked as much as the next fellow. Iwant to give my readers (both of you) what you come here for. And I kept asking myself, "Am I "churchy"? Do I preach? Does everyone really just want to see cute pictures of my kiddos and not really want to know anything more about me than the fact that I have funny, cute kids and I barely hold it all together every day, but for a few too many ounces of caffeine?"

And then I realized something... those "cute kid only" blogs are NOT the ones I go to... and it's not always where Jesus has my heart. Oh sure, there are a few kids only zones I visit, but those are the ones where I KNOW the kids or have a connection with the kids (probably they are adopted from somewhere near or sometime around when my kids were adopted.) The blogs I feed on, the blogs that fuel me, challenge me, and spur my days and keep me digging deeper into what God wants from me are the ones that have something to say beyond the cute kids. And because that's what I like to read, that's also what I am inspired to write. It's sort of like a statement I read from Matthew Kelly where he says, "show me what books you are planning to read this year and I will show you what you will do with your year." I believe that. Not counting Twilight, I haven't read much fluff in the past five years. I want to have a good beach read, mind numbing feel good just read and smile kind of stuff. But I just don't know, it's not where my heart is. I start to feel restless after about ten pages. I feel an urgency about the fact that there are people who don't know Jesus and then, you know, too, there are all the babies to save and all the hungry to feed and well, who has time in a day for everything I need to pray about and beg God to use me in?

So, that brings me to my next point, which is this.... I really pretty much realized that this blog is a very personal walk in a very public place. It's therapeutic for me to set it all down somewhere. It feels like it lightens the load a little when I am able to lay it out there, sort of like wearing my Gwen shirt, you know, it's not that I have to carry this burden for the orphans all by myself because, well, you guys can share it to. And then at least I've said it. I have to tell SOMEONE about the 147,000,000. Hey, it's possible that there is someone reading this who doesn't know there is an orphan crisis. SO, to that end, I think another reason why I couldn't just take the comment lightly is because when you lay yourself bare like this, when you really and truly confess all the good, the bad and the ugly, it's kind of a little sad when someone says, "Yeah, great, but I really only want to know the good stuff about you." Don't get me wrong, this is NOT an attack on "anonymous." I totally get what she/he was trying to say.... it's a tough world out there, there's enough to worry about without taking on my problems too. I get it, I really do, and I appreciate the fact that there are people out there who might be bored by my burden, and that's okay, really, I still love you and I still love that you want to see my cute kiddos, because, after all, in the end that's the best part of who I am anyway. But having said that, I do feel a certain urgency about the matter and sometimes I just don't have it in me to post about the fluffy stuff because on that particular day, the rest of the stuff just seems too, well, urgent.

But no matter how bad it gets, my children are still hysterical. There are still alot of sweet moments that I would love to share with you. There is still alot of progress to be made in me and plenty of cute kid stories to be shared. Iam a work in progress as a mom and as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and as a neighbor and I'm learning every day that the most important humor is when I laugh at myself. I just thought you ought to know, though, that if you stop by and it's not all about the trials of motherhood, it might still be worth a look. And if not, then that's okay too, just skip it until you feel ready to pick up some of the bricks for the wall, that's all.

James 4:17
"It is a sin to know what you ought to do and not do it."


This IS The Fun Part! said...

I, too, really enjoy your cute kids and the trouble they can get into. But sometimes it is nice to have a little breather and see faith from a different perspective.

Yes, I have faith. I have got God in my life, Jesus is there as well. But .. .. I think there are SO many different interpretations. And it is so hard to discuss it in a group situation. Seems like somebody always has to be right and someone else has to be wrong.

When you READ someone's thoughts on the subject - you have a chance to really listen and let it soak in.

Keep it up - I think you've got a great mix going.

Sorry - didn't mean to write the great American novel here!


Barb said...

So, I read your first post and then I was going to go back and comment and saw you had yet another post . . . Comment for the first post: I have the same questions regarding what God wants from me regarding adoption - I just can't get those kids left behind out of my head. I realize there's 147,000,000 , but right now there are 4 I can't stop thinking about and worry about what will happen to them. It doesn't help that Sofia talks about them regularly either . . . Comment for this post: It's like you've got a big hammer of conviction and just wacked me over the head with it:) Why can't I post openly about my faith on my own blog? What am I afraid of? Maybe that's God's plan for you . . . encouraging others to live their faith out loud . . . I have blogs I read for the fun kid stories and others I read for spiritual encouragement .. . I know God's working on me on this. I can feel it . . .

Anonymous said...

Wanted you to know that I really appreciate your blog. I do read some blogs for the light children story stuff, but I always come to yours knowing that I will get something more. We share a love for orphans (though we only have brought two into our home....with hopes of more when God leads) and a love for Jesus! Thank you for being so honest and open.
Jody Garber

Settle Family said...

Ava's adoption journey turned out to be such a spiritual journey.I have never felt closer to God than during the times that I have relyed so heavly on him. I know that you have felt the same throughout each of your adoptions.So with that said... How could you leave out one of the greatest and biggest parts of your life!!!!!
Keep up the great writing!
Your faithful follower,

Nicole said...

Just found your blog and LOVE IT! Talk about God, orphans, how God is opening your heart... THAT's real life and it's the life I'm living too. Although I cut out caffeine a couple of years ago... TODAY I'm going to have a coke!

Amy said...

I guess I would describe myself as more of a spritiual person vs. religious person but I throughly enjoy your blog because of the perspectives you give. There are (as with everyone!) things that we see differently, but I celebrate that and enjoy hearing your thoughts!

I love that you aren't one sided and share your ups and downs, happiness and struggles with life, family, god and everything. You're a beautiful writer and I celebrate you!!

findingourdaughter said...

My heart is joining forces with yours. I laid awake almost all night a couple of nights ago.....NOT able to get the orphans OFF my mind. I am VERY confused about what God's will for my life and my purpose are.......other than right now we are in process of adopting from Russia.....but I know there is MORE. I am in prayer about where I fit in and what it is exactly that I am to do. I also wish I could be as outspoken about my faith and I pray for loving my neighbors as well as have people around me and my family who would love us in that way too--that would be my dream come true. As I mentioned in my last comment, I just finished reading Crazy Love.
God Bless you and He has given you this passion, this voice for a reason.
Hugs from your sister in Christ,
Angie in FL

Kristine said...

Your blog challenges me...simple as that. Always good to think a little deeper than the surface and it is YOUR blog after all. Keep up the same posting...don't let anyone step on your bare toes so to speak (couldn't resist).

I really can't get enough of the pictures though.... :)


hthr said...

First rule of blog writing: It is ALL about you. If you write "for" your readers, you're going to burn out. You can never burn out on writing what you are truly passionate about! I love your blog and your heart. God is up to something new in you!

Lindsay said...

I do get the anonymous comment. In all honesty when I started following blogs - which, by no surprise, was when I began the adoption journey - all I wanted to read about was adoption: the planning, the referral, the travel, the 'gotcha days'. I was not the slighthest bit interested in anything else.

But thru that, thru coming across other 'stuff' my own faith gained clarity. Adoption brought me closer to God than I had ever been. I think my faith is still weak - in fact I know it is. Sometimes reading 'churchy' stuff makes me uncomfortable because that is not where I am (yet I hope) in my personal journey.

But now - the blogs I go to more than any other - yes, they're adoption blogs, but overwhelmingly they are blogs which are based in or are exploring faith too. Something I've yet to have the courage to do on my own blog, by the way.

All the best to you. Keep doing as you do :)

Oatsvall Team said...

I am still trying to process my response ... which isn't really neccessary because you know where I stand ... I want my blog to push people out their door and lay some bricks sister ... Now I will give you a glimpse of how cute my kids are, what they are doing occasionaly, and birthday parties,etc, but that is only to show that I am just an ordinary woman doing extordinary things through CHRIST IN ME ...

I am so glad we walk together and I am even more thankful God has placed our hearts in the same direction ...