It's the Little Things

I am not really sure how to word this post so that my mom doesn't freak out... cause I think some of the experiences I want to share are normal and natural and they don't mean that things in my life are "wrong", but I have a friend going through some hard stuff in her marriage right now and it just has brought up alot of stuff for me. I honestly feel lonely thinking of the lonely spot she is in right now.  It's heartbreaking!

First of all, Hawaii is a very hard thing for me to get past.  I loved life in Hawaii in many ways.  It was SO hard to be so far away from everything familiar, but at the same time, being so far away was a bit of a reprieve from the demands and obligations of a lifetime lived in one spot.

Secondly, I am a Southern girl through and through, and I LOVE that I am... but the culture of the island is warm and "southern" in alot of ways.  So though I was an "outsider" to the kama aina (locals), I appreciated that they had such a strong and rooted community.  It isn't unlike being from the South.

So I miss Hawaii a little bit every day.  It's very hard to explain to people, but it's the one place I've ever lived where my SOUL didn't feel restless.  I longed for things back home, but I felt "at home" there in so many ways.

So that is a hard place to start, missing something so magical that is so unattainable.  And then there is my life.  My life really resembles NOTHING familiar.  Brian and I spent almost 20 years building this vision of what we wanted for the rest of our lives.  We had invested several hard years.  Tight budgets.  Stressful circumstances.  Miscarriage.  Adoptions.  And we had come through those and were on the other side, poised at a place to enjoy what we had spent time and effort building.  I MISS that life.  When I say that, I don't know how to explain what I mean.  I mean I miss having married friends.  Married women abandon their friends when they get divorced. I'm not the only one, my divorced friends and I have talked about it... very few of us have kept the friends we started with.  I miss my married friends.  I miss staying home with my kids alot of days.  I miss being able to do something with friends any night of the week, not just Thursdays when the kids are with their dad.  (That's probably part of the reason friendships fade.)

And yet, I look at my life and where I was two years ago on this day, or even a year ago on this day, and I've come so far.  There was such a long period of time that my life was totally out of control.  I felt like I was groping my way through a dark room every single day.  Little by little, the light grew brighter and now, most days, I'm walking with clear vision.  What does that look like?  I'm making a conscious effort to invite some old friendships back into my life, and consciously building new friendships, very carefully.  I'm figuring it out as I go, I'm learning the things that can bounce when they are dropped and the things that fracture when they fall.  I'm finally setting the coffee pot the night before I go to bed, instead of waking up to no coffee.  That's the little thing.  It's funny, I never made my own coffee the whole time I was married.  And when I was first alone, that was one of the loneliest parts of my day.  Waking up every morning to an empty coffee pot was just bleak and sad.  I finally got used to making my own coffee, but it's just been in the past month that I've begun to set the pot the night before so that it's waiting for me when I come downstairs.  It's little things like that, I find myself doing all of a sudden without too much thought, that let me know I'm making progress.  I'm doing it.  It's unbelievably hard some days.  But we are thriving and in the end, that's all that really matters.  One day at a time, with God's grace, we are all where we need to be for right now. 

I would just ask you, if you have a friend going through a divorce or anything really hard in their life.  Stick it out with them.  Lock arms and walk with them.  If they get a little crazy at times, be gracious, understand, talk to them about what you see, but don't cut them out of your life.  Believe me, you may need them at another time.  And even if that time never comes for you, one or two years down the road, you will have a friend who would take a bullet for you.  Just try to endure.  This road I've traveled may be one of the loneliest places on earth.  Your friend needs you!