Open Letter

My cousin, Letricia, sent an e-mail to my mom.  Just as a side note, she mentioned that she missed reading my blog.  And that sort of got me thinking about all the stuff that's happened since I left blogging... And alot has happened in the lives of alot of my blog friends too.  And alot of my real life friends too for that matter.  And it seems like alot of us are going through the same thing... divorce.  So, I wanted to write an open letter to all my friends who have gone through a divorce over the past few years, or even who have just gone through a heartbreak. 

And I had alot of thoughts about it... first of all, the number one thing I have learned is it's NOT about who your ex says you are... it's about who God says you are.  You've heard "one man's trash is another man's treasure" and this is true, but I think more importantly, one man's trash has to be YOUR treasure.  You have to treasure yourself and let God treasure you too.  And there are alot of things God says about who YOU are.  If you haven't read Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas or Believing God by Beth Moore, then you don't likely know the full scope of how enthralled the Lord is with you and your beauty!  Read those if you are heartbroken!  Actually, read those even if you aren't. 

And also, my only other real piece of advice to you would be this... let yourself fall apart sometimes, but try hard to do it in front of people who won't judge you for falling apart.  I recently heard an explanation of "don't cast your pearls before swine" (you know the story from the Bible) as share your pain ONLY with the people who have earned the right to hear it.  And I can tell you, that even people who have earned the right through good times, won't be worthy of hearing what you are like in the worst time.  I have friends and even people I barely knew who came along side me during the absolute WORST I had to offer the world.  They walked with me and let me fall apart in the ugliest of ways (you all know that ugly cry, and mine went on for days sometimes.)  I was an absolute burden to a few special people who God sent to help me carry the overwhelming load I was shouldering.  I had some friends who were absolutely steadfast in their support of me throughout every trial I had faced in married life who just didn't have the stomach for the shit storm of divorce.  And I can't think of a better way to describe what happens to your life when you get divorced.  But I've come to learn and accept that there are people in seasons of your life according to what THEY can handle, not what YOU need.  And I don't judge those people for their decisions.  It hurt like hell in the moment as the mass exodus occurred, but now, in the aftermath and hindsight, I can see that this wasn't their fault.  It is just how things are.  And I have done the same to people in my life as well.  When things hit too close to home, or when things get too difficult to deal with, we all have the capacity to abandon ship.  Even Peter left Jesus when the going got too tough.  And surely none of us have more motivation than he did.  So be it.

And after you fall apart, in front of those worthy people who will still be standing with you the next morning, put on your lipstick, hold your head up, and put on the biggest smile you can muster.  Swing for the fence every day.  Fake it til you make it.  Look your absolute best every time you leave the house because you never know when you'll meet your next husband or your worst enemy and you want to look like a million bucks either way!  

And then I thought about the words of a song by Kelly Clarkson, and I wanted to give it to all my friends who might need a little spark. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter  
Footsteps even lighter  
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

And Katy Perry (she knows a thing or two about heartache herself):

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

.......

You're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know....

So, my friends, to all of you who tell me that I look amazing and that I seem so happy, I would just say that in general, I've made my peace.  It's still hard alot of days.  Last night when I was using a jig-saw to remove the floor of my under-sink cabinet so I could see if there was mildew, I was feeling REALLLLLL sorry for myself, let me tell you.  There are still days when I get angry cause this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out and "it's not fair" (yes, I sound like a 2nd grader on the playground.)  But, there are alot more days when I wake up and think "I'm gonna be fine."  I know I'm going to be okay.  I don't know what that's going to look like, but I know that it's true.  So if you're new to the "parenting plan" thing, then I'll just tell you that it SUCKS sometimes.  When my kids leave for an entire week, I am two jumps ahead of a fit by the end of their time away.  But you get through it, you learn to adjust, and you take your victories where you can get them.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gentle with yourself.  And then kick your own butt when you've been sad for too long cause feeling sorry for you isn't going to help anyone!  And then if you can't pull yourself out of the death spiral, call a friend, or call me, cause I promise you I won't judge!