I am not really sure how to word this post so that my mom doesn't freak out... cause I think some of the experiences I want to share are normal and natural and they don't mean that things in my life are "wrong", but I have a friend going through some hard stuff in her marriage right now and it just has brought up alot of stuff for me. I honestly feel lonely thinking of the lonely spot she is in right now. It's heartbreaking!
First of all, Hawaii is a very hard thing for me to get past. I loved life in Hawaii in many ways. It was SO hard to be so far away from everything familiar, but at the same time, being so far away was a bit of a reprieve from the demands and obligations of a lifetime lived in one spot.
Secondly, I am a Southern girl through and through, and I LOVE that I am... but the culture of the island is warm and "southern" in alot of ways. So though I was an "outsider" to the kama aina (locals), I appreciated that they had such a strong and rooted community. It isn't unlike being from the South.
So I miss Hawaii a little bit every day. It's very hard to explain to people, but it's the one place I've ever lived where my SOUL didn't feel restless. I longed for things back home, but I felt "at home" there in so many ways.
So that is a hard place to start, missing something so magical that is so unattainable. And then there is my life. My life really resembles NOTHING familiar. Brian and I spent almost 20 years building this vision of what we wanted for the rest of our lives. We had invested several hard years. Tight budgets. Stressful circumstances. Miscarriage. Adoptions. And we had come through those and were on the other side, poised at a place to enjoy what we had spent time and effort building. I MISS that life. When I say that, I don't know how to explain what I mean. I mean I miss having married friends. Married women abandon their friends when they get divorced. I'm not the only one, my divorced friends and I have talked about it... very few of us have kept the friends we started with. I miss my married friends. I miss staying home with my kids alot of days. I miss being able to do something with friends any night of the week, not just Thursdays when the kids are with their dad. (That's probably part of the reason friendships fade.)
And yet, I look at my life and where I was two years ago on this day, or even a year ago on this day, and I've come so far. There was such a long period of time that my life was totally out of control. I felt like I was groping my way through a dark room every single day. Little by little, the light grew brighter and now, most days, I'm walking with clear vision. What does that look like? I'm making a conscious effort to invite some old friendships back into my life, and consciously building new friendships, very carefully. I'm figuring it out as I go, I'm learning the things that can bounce when they are dropped and the things that fracture when they fall. I'm finally setting the coffee pot the night before I go to bed, instead of waking up to no coffee. That's the little thing. It's funny, I never made my own coffee the whole time I was married. And when I was first alone, that was one of the loneliest parts of my day. Waking up every morning to an empty coffee pot was just bleak and sad. I finally got used to making my own coffee, but it's just been in the past month that I've begun to set the pot the night before so that it's waiting for me when I come downstairs. It's little things like that, I find myself doing all of a sudden without too much thought, that let me know I'm making progress. I'm doing it. It's unbelievably hard some days. But we are thriving and in the end, that's all that really matters. One day at a time, with God's grace, we are all where we need to be for right now.
I would just ask you, if you have a friend going through a divorce or anything really hard in their life. Stick it out with them. Lock arms and walk with them. If they get a little crazy at times, be gracious, understand, talk to them about what you see, but don't cut them out of your life. Believe me, you may need them at another time. And even if that time never comes for you, one or two years down the road, you will have a friend who would take a bullet for you. Just try to endure. This road I've traveled may be one of the loneliest places on earth. Your friend needs you!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Open Letter
My cousin, Letricia, sent an e-mail to my mom. Just as a side note, she mentioned that she missed reading my blog. And that sort of got me thinking about all the stuff that's happened since I left blogging... And alot has happened in the lives of alot of my blog friends too. And alot of my real life friends too for that matter. And it seems like alot of us are going through the same thing... divorce. So, I wanted to write an open letter to all my friends who have gone through a divorce over the past few years, or even who have just gone through a heartbreak.
And I had alot of thoughts about it... first of all, the number one thing I have learned is it's NOT about who your ex says you are... it's about who God says you are. You've heard "one man's trash is another man's treasure" and this is true, but I think more importantly, one man's trash has to be YOUR treasure. You have to treasure yourself and let God treasure you too. And there are alot of things God says about who YOU are. If you haven't read Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas or Believing God by Beth Moore, then you don't likely know the full scope of how enthralled the Lord is with you and your beauty! Read those if you are heartbroken! Actually, read those even if you aren't.
And also, my only other real piece of advice to you would be this... let yourself fall apart sometimes, but try hard to do it in front of people who won't judge you for falling apart. I recently heard an explanation of "don't cast your pearls before swine" (you know the story from the Bible) as share your pain ONLY with the people who have earned the right to hear it. And I can tell you, that even people who have earned the right through good times, won't be worthy of hearing what you are like in the worst time. I have friends and even people I barely knew who came along side me during the absolute WORST I had to offer the world. They walked with me and let me fall apart in the ugliest of ways (you all know that ugly cry, and mine went on for days sometimes.) I was an absolute burden to a few special people who God sent to help me carry the overwhelming load I was shouldering. I had some friends who were absolutely steadfast in their support of me throughout every trial I had faced in married life who just didn't have the stomach for the shit storm of divorce. And I can't think of a better way to describe what happens to your life when you get divorced. But I've come to learn and accept that there are people in seasons of your life according to what THEY can handle, not what YOU need. And I don't judge those people for their decisions. It hurt like hell in the moment as the mass exodus occurred, but now, in the aftermath and hindsight, I can see that this wasn't their fault. It is just how things are. And I have done the same to people in my life as well. When things hit too close to home, or when things get too difficult to deal with, we all have the capacity to abandon ship. Even Peter left Jesus when the going got too tough. And surely none of us have more motivation than he did. So be it.
And after you fall apart, in front of those worthy people who will still be standing with you the next morning, put on your lipstick, hold your head up, and put on the biggest smile you can muster. Swing for the fence every day. Fake it til you make it. Look your absolute best every time you leave the house because you never know when you'll meet your next husband or your worst enemy and you want to look like a million bucks either way!
And then I thought about the words of a song by Kelly Clarkson, and I wanted to give it to all my friends who might need a little spark.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone
And Katy Perry (she knows a thing or two about heartache herself):
And I had alot of thoughts about it... first of all, the number one thing I have learned is it's NOT about who your ex says you are... it's about who God says you are. You've heard "one man's trash is another man's treasure" and this is true, but I think more importantly, one man's trash has to be YOUR treasure. You have to treasure yourself and let God treasure you too. And there are alot of things God says about who YOU are. If you haven't read Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas or Believing God by Beth Moore, then you don't likely know the full scope of how enthralled the Lord is with you and your beauty! Read those if you are heartbroken! Actually, read those even if you aren't.
And also, my only other real piece of advice to you would be this... let yourself fall apart sometimes, but try hard to do it in front of people who won't judge you for falling apart. I recently heard an explanation of "don't cast your pearls before swine" (you know the story from the Bible) as share your pain ONLY with the people who have earned the right to hear it. And I can tell you, that even people who have earned the right through good times, won't be worthy of hearing what you are like in the worst time. I have friends and even people I barely knew who came along side me during the absolute WORST I had to offer the world. They walked with me and let me fall apart in the ugliest of ways (you all know that ugly cry, and mine went on for days sometimes.) I was an absolute burden to a few special people who God sent to help me carry the overwhelming load I was shouldering. I had some friends who were absolutely steadfast in their support of me throughout every trial I had faced in married life who just didn't have the stomach for the shit storm of divorce. And I can't think of a better way to describe what happens to your life when you get divorced. But I've come to learn and accept that there are people in seasons of your life according to what THEY can handle, not what YOU need. And I don't judge those people for their decisions. It hurt like hell in the moment as the mass exodus occurred, but now, in the aftermath and hindsight, I can see that this wasn't their fault. It is just how things are. And I have done the same to people in my life as well. When things hit too close to home, or when things get too difficult to deal with, we all have the capacity to abandon ship. Even Peter left Jesus when the going got too tough. And surely none of us have more motivation than he did. So be it.
And after you fall apart, in front of those worthy people who will still be standing with you the next morning, put on your lipstick, hold your head up, and put on the biggest smile you can muster. Swing for the fence every day. Fake it til you make it. Look your absolute best every time you leave the house because you never know when you'll meet your next husband or your worst enemy and you want to look like a million bucks either way!
And then I thought about the words of a song by Kelly Clarkson, and I wanted to give it to all my friends who might need a little spark.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone
And Katy Perry (she knows a thing or two about heartache herself):
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Reminders
I am sitting here in my house tonight, it's quiet, we have everything we need. I am just reminded, even though I wasn't looking for Him today, of my constant need for Him, whether I acknowledge it or not. Everyone has "those days". I was on a sales call today and ran into another salesman who said, "I think I'm having one of 'those lives'" And I chuckled, but I could so relate. I wanted to ask him if he is in a season of difficulty... because they are all seasons. But I'm so thankful for Exodus 14:14 and the constant promise that if we (according to the Message version) "close our mouths", God will do all that needs to be done! :)
Exodus 14:14
Exodus 14:14
14 God will fight the battle for you.
And you? You keep your mouths shut!”
And you? You keep your mouths shut!”
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Equal Yoking
Well, I've been around the blog world since what seems like before 'Nam. Things and people have come and gone in my life. And boy have things changed! And I've taken break after break, tried to start new blogs, and what not, but in the end, I think in blog posts and I have a commitment to this particular blog, a loyalty, if you will, that won't let me quit this specific chronicle, so here I am again! Whew!
What have I learned in two years of hard living and hard lessons? Wow, SO much! But one thing I've learned that has come to me in the past few days is this. When God talks about being equally yoked with someone, He wasn't (Granma forgive me) talking necessarily about Christianity and your belief system. I have come to believe that He was talking about being with someone who was, well, I don't really have a better way to say it... equally yoked. When I got married at age 27, I thought I had won the marriage lottery. Everything was perfect! But I was a country girl, he was a city boy. I was a (for lack of a better term) "tractor pull" and he was a "wine taster." I was raised in a small town (if you want to know more about that, consult John Mellencamp.) He was raised in the city. Farm and country life were in my blood. He had spent a little time on his grandparents "farm" (acreage in Mississippi with a big garden), but it was always more of a novelty. I think he didn't really "get" what it meant to me that my great grandfather had gotten my family home through the homestead act. I know of about 6 addresses he had occupied as a child. I grew up in ONE house from the time I was almost two until I moved to college. I grew up with a Daddy who I thought could do anything and a Mama... not a "mom" like city-folk have, but a "Mama!" Not Mommy like rich kids. Mama! What people from small Southern towns have. Mama and Granma knew how to set a formal table. We never EVER served ourselves from the stove on Sunday. We never EVER sat down without a real cloth napkin at our plate. So... all that to say that neither of us grew up "wrong", but miles and worlds apart.
I was reading back through some old journals of mine and I found entries where I was wondering, even back in 1996, if I would ever get to move back to a place where I felt at "home." I'll say, since that time, I've moved to a smaller community and I'm known by alot of people and I now (since being single) have started banking at a small bank where they know my name. There's just a difference in the way we do things that, neither right or wrong, is just fundamentally different. I don't think any of these things are deal breakers, by any stretch of the imagination. I was sailing along quite happily and contently the way things were. Please don't hear me criticizing or complaining because, by no means is that what I'm doing. I loved my ex-husband's family. I loved being in that life. But now that I've been out of that world long enough to take a real look at it, I can see that there were some quintessential differences that were not "equal yoking." I have many fears and worries as a single mom. And I'm not "playing the single mom card", don't feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life! But I do worry about some things being alone that I didn't worry about before. I lock all my windows now before I go to bed. I miss the luxury of being able to sleep with the windows open. And that's just one small example. But on the flip side, there are alot of aspects of my life that I have "reclaimed" (to steal a phrase from my months of counseling.) There are some things that I feel far more at home with now than I did before. I don't like many of the aspects of single life at this juncture (the world is made for couples at 43.) But there are some things that just fit better now... the little rebel girl who went barefoot and wore John Lennon sunglasses and always marched to the beat of her own drum has now regained her voice in many ways. She was always in there, but she felt that she needed to be a "respectable adult" for many years. So... I needed a place to lay this down and this felt like the safest place to do it. My faithful friends who followed this journey have earned the right to hear some of the good things that have come from the very bad things that brought them.
Love y'all!
What have I learned in two years of hard living and hard lessons? Wow, SO much! But one thing I've learned that has come to me in the past few days is this. When God talks about being equally yoked with someone, He wasn't (Granma forgive me) talking necessarily about Christianity and your belief system. I have come to believe that He was talking about being with someone who was, well, I don't really have a better way to say it... equally yoked. When I got married at age 27, I thought I had won the marriage lottery. Everything was perfect! But I was a country girl, he was a city boy. I was a (for lack of a better term) "tractor pull" and he was a "wine taster." I was raised in a small town (if you want to know more about that, consult John Mellencamp.) He was raised in the city. Farm and country life were in my blood. He had spent a little time on his grandparents "farm" (acreage in Mississippi with a big garden), but it was always more of a novelty. I think he didn't really "get" what it meant to me that my great grandfather had gotten my family home through the homestead act. I know of about 6 addresses he had occupied as a child. I grew up in ONE house from the time I was almost two until I moved to college. I grew up with a Daddy who I thought could do anything and a Mama... not a "mom" like city-folk have, but a "Mama!" Not Mommy like rich kids. Mama! What people from small Southern towns have. Mama and Granma knew how to set a formal table. We never EVER served ourselves from the stove on Sunday. We never EVER sat down without a real cloth napkin at our plate. So... all that to say that neither of us grew up "wrong", but miles and worlds apart.
I was reading back through some old journals of mine and I found entries where I was wondering, even back in 1996, if I would ever get to move back to a place where I felt at "home." I'll say, since that time, I've moved to a smaller community and I'm known by alot of people and I now (since being single) have started banking at a small bank where they know my name. There's just a difference in the way we do things that, neither right or wrong, is just fundamentally different. I don't think any of these things are deal breakers, by any stretch of the imagination. I was sailing along quite happily and contently the way things were. Please don't hear me criticizing or complaining because, by no means is that what I'm doing. I loved my ex-husband's family. I loved being in that life. But now that I've been out of that world long enough to take a real look at it, I can see that there were some quintessential differences that were not "equal yoking." I have many fears and worries as a single mom. And I'm not "playing the single mom card", don't feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life! But I do worry about some things being alone that I didn't worry about before. I lock all my windows now before I go to bed. I miss the luxury of being able to sleep with the windows open. And that's just one small example. But on the flip side, there are alot of aspects of my life that I have "reclaimed" (to steal a phrase from my months of counseling.) There are some things that I feel far more at home with now than I did before. I don't like many of the aspects of single life at this juncture (the world is made for couples at 43.) But there are some things that just fit better now... the little rebel girl who went barefoot and wore John Lennon sunglasses and always marched to the beat of her own drum has now regained her voice in many ways. She was always in there, but she felt that she needed to be a "respectable adult" for many years. So... I needed a place to lay this down and this felt like the safest place to do it. My faithful friends who followed this journey have earned the right to hear some of the good things that have come from the very bad things that brought them.
Love y'all!
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