The truth as I know it:

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life. But those who make their journey home across time & miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands. ~~~ Kristi Larson

Monday, November 28, 2011

Just Breathe

I think I've quoted this before, but there is a line in a Jars of Clay song.  The song is called Work.  The line says, "I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work."  That is SO accurate for my life right now.  I have ridden this wave of emotions since April of 2010.  Days when I would wake up thinking that life was possibly resuming something that looked like normal.  Thinking, "Okay, I can do this... not exactly what I thought I wanted, but okay God, we'll go with it."  Then out of nowhere I slam hard into a space that has no oxygen, there's no normal in sight, there's only lonely and scared because how in the world am I going to do all this?  How am I going to take care of this house and four kids all by myself?  Really?!  I look around and all I see is work work work and no one to help help help.  So, I don't fear drowning.  Drowning would probably actually be better.  I'm drowning for sure.  Actually going down would mean I could stop fighting the water and the waves and just let go.  But I can't do that.  Number one, I have my kids to fight for.  I have to keep swimming (like Dory in Little Nemo, I've said to myself 1000 times and more, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....") Plus, I honestly and truly don't know HOW to stop swimming.  I've been swimming all my life.  I've been striving toward something that felt invisibly pulling me along, a feeling of unrest before, now a feeling of life or death, but still, that same feeling with new intensity that I have keep going.  I just hate waking up in the morning wondering what I'm going to do for 14 hours until I can go back to bed and forget the world for a while.  I dread the new day and what pain it might bring.  I have always sort of hated New Years Eve because alot of people get excited for what a new year might hold, but since my sister was killed, I've thought of it as "what if this is the year your sister dies, or what if this is the year your husband leaves you, or what if this is the year it REALLY gets bad."  I hate when people say, "It can't get any worse, because it can ALWAYS get worse."

So, I know it's nice and depressing to read my words on a Monday morning.  I know that it's not the ridiculous antics people usually come here to hear about.  There are still alot of funny things that happen in my day, but I see them through a painful fog right now.  Last week, I was almost cheerful, I said to a friend, "This is the first time in a long time I haven't dreaded the new day, I think I'm coming through the other side."  WHAM! Thanksgiving and reality and fear and I didn't see it coming. I truly got clotheslined by it and am sort of experiencing a shocked feeling of once again trying to get up off the floor.  God, how many times must I pick myself up?  Lord, how many times must I hit a low, think it's the bottom, only to realize there's further to fall?  How much must you allow me to hurt before it's done? I look around and see that You have gently put people and words in my path to encourage me.  You have been with me, I know You haven't left my side, and I have physically felt that God Himself has suffered with me all this time.  I'm just calling out today that my praying friends would intervene for me, I need something encouraging, something hopeful, something new....

"The Lord hears his people when they call to Him, He rescues them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." 

Anyone know what verse this is?  I found the quote, but couldn't find the Scripture location.


Becky and Keith said...

Oh, how this makes my heart break. You are breathing, you are working through the day to day motions and, you're right, sometimes you just need to get to the end of the day and that is okay, because it means you made it! Celebrate the little hills you climb and don't worry about those mountains because you'll be over them before you know it. The holidays are going to be tough - there is no sugar coating it - but you are so blessed because there are SO many people around you to help lift you up, make you laugh and give you that hug that you need. You have four little people that love you to the bottom of their bones and they make every day worth swimming through. If you ever want a weekend away, I hope you know to just call! If you want to meet in Chattanooga, just let me know. We can all pile into a hotel room and let chaos ensue! :-) Many, many hugs from afar! YOU are special and YOU will be okay... just keep swimming (LOVE that line from Little Nemo).

Many hugs!

P.S. I had no idea about your sister. I'm so sorry.

Mark and Sinziana said...

Ondrea, I really feel for you when I read about how you are feeling right now... I was there last year and even though we are still married, we are continuously working very hard to see if we can connect again. Something that helped me a lot, regardless of staying together or separating, was to find a therapist to process the anger, hurt and fear generated. Events like this, believe it or not, can cause trauma and you need to give yourself time and It may helped you feeling some closure and understanding of why things feel the way they feel and how to feel differently in the future. Also, I read a book recently is Happiness is a Choice, by Bears Kaufman. Pretty simple, but very uplifting. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts!

Lindsay said...

Psalm 34:18 is your verse.

But perhaps even more for you is Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

May He life you Ondrea. May He lift you and carry you and bring you respite and rest from your sorrows. May you see, one day soon, hope in a new day, not fear, dread and a reawakening of pain. You are carrying so much loss just now for you and for your children. May He help you carry your burden and may your tears fall as they need to, allowing you to rage and grieve your losses.

It WILL get better. There will be more downs to come, more firsts to endure but the downs will be less hard to climb out of, the pain less crippling. You will endure: Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sending you a huge hug, wishing I could be there IRL to put my arms around you.

Nicole said...

Oh girl it is a horrible place where you are at right now. But you have been doing this for a while now and I really feel that this maybe your last dive before you come back up. I am going to pray for you like no tomorrow my sweet friend. I told M this past week that I know without a doubt God has some big plans for you. BIG and FANTASTIC! I know these plans are hard to see right now but he has been with you all along.
If we lived next door I would totally help you! Bret would warn you that I am the worst housekeeper ever :)
Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
Sending many prayers and hugs your way sweet friend.

Carol said...

Ondrea please know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers since you first posted. I know your bright, funny, loving heart will help you through. Please kiss and hold those four loves. our favorite quote is "keep moving forward." Sending you strength and love.