I think I've quoted this before, but there is a line in a Jars of Clay song. The song is called Work. The line says, "I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work." That is SO accurate for my life right now. I have ridden this wave of emotions since April of 2010. Days when I would wake up thinking that life was possibly resuming something that looked like normal. Thinking, "Okay, I can do this... not exactly what I thought I wanted, but okay God, we'll go with it." Then out of nowhere I slam hard into a space that has no oxygen, there's no normal in sight, there's only lonely and scared because how in the world am I going to do all this? How am I going to take care of this house and four kids all by myself? Really?! I look around and all I see is work work work and no one to help help help. So, I don't fear drowning. Drowning would probably actually be better. I'm drowning for sure. Actually going down would mean I could stop fighting the water and the waves and just let go. But I can't do that. Number one, I have my kids to fight for. I have to keep swimming (like Dory in Little Nemo, I've said to myself 1000 times and more, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....") Plus, I honestly and truly don't know HOW to stop swimming. I've been swimming all my life. I've been striving toward something that felt invisibly pulling me along, a feeling of unrest before, now a feeling of life or death, but still, that same feeling with new intensity that I have keep going. I just hate waking up in the morning wondering what I'm going to do for 14 hours until I can go back to bed and forget the world for a while. I dread the new day and what pain it might bring. I have always sort of hated New Years Eve because alot of people get excited for what a new year might hold, but since my sister was killed, I've thought of it as "what if this is the year your sister dies, or what if this is the year your husband leaves you, or what if this is the year it REALLY gets bad." I hate when people say, "It can't get any worse, because it can ALWAYS get worse."
So, I know it's nice and depressing to read my words on a Monday morning. I know that it's not the ridiculous antics people usually come here to hear about. There are still alot of funny things that happen in my day, but I see them through a painful fog right now. Last week, I was almost cheerful, I said to a friend, "This is the first time in a long time I haven't dreaded the new day, I think I'm coming through the other side." WHAM! Thanksgiving and reality and fear and I didn't see it coming. I truly got clotheslined by it and am sort of experiencing a shocked feeling of once again trying to get up off the floor. God, how many times must I pick myself up? Lord, how many times must I hit a low, think it's the bottom, only to realize there's further to fall? How much must you allow me to hurt before it's done? I look around and see that You have gently put people and words in my path to encourage me. You have been with me, I know You haven't left my side, and I have physically felt that God Himself has suffered with me all this time. I'm just calling out today that my praying friends would intervene for me, I need something encouraging, something hopeful, something new....
"The Lord hears his people when they call to Him, He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Anyone know what verse this is? I found the quote, but couldn't find the Scripture location.