When the rough patches hit, I confess that I want to lay down and just give up. I just want someone else to come and tell me what to do and where I'm going to land. I want someone else to have the conversations about the tough things. My heart is weary of all the pain. I don't know how people go through a divorce when it's truly just "I'm no longer happy." I could find a way to be happy if there weren't these huge transgressions. And even then I could probably figure it out to avoid all this if all this hadn't occurred on top of it all. I'm exhausted. Have I said that? Did I mention that I'm just freakin' TIRED!? I'm tired of the fight, tired of being intentional for my kiddos, tired of trying to prop them up every day when I'm barely standing myself, tired of worrying about where the money for unexpected things is going to come from, tired of worrying about how in the heck I'm going to take care of this huge yard and four kids and a 25 year old house all by myself without my parents close by. I'm weary of all things. I want to have some joy, some fun, some rest, some relief from the strain of it. I'm so tired of the guilt I feel over the legacy my children will now carry. I swear I'd do it differently if I could stomach it. My heart hurts at the thought of what my kids will endure for the rest of their lives. Oh how I ache for them. I can't stay for them, I've been told 100 times by counselors and psychiatrists that it is no more healthy for them to live in a home where there is discord than it is to live in a single parent home where there is peace. But so far, no one has peace. People tell me it will come. My friends remind me of what my August and September were like and they say it's better now. I guess it is. But it doesn't feel better. It feels the same. I do know that there was a brief reprieve. Maybe why this feels worse. There was a two or three week period of time where I thought things weren't too bad. But then that seems to have only made the contrast of how I feel now more acute.
"3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit."
Thank you, Lindsay, for reminding me of this verse. I LOVE the thought of him literally wrapping bindings around my wound. I think of the way I tenderly "doctor" my children's scrapes and cuts, how I make a big deal over the smallest of things and I rush to alleviate the pain of true hurts. I can imagine our Lord doing this for me, rushing to my side when I am alone and hurting, wrapping my heart in bindings and holding them tight until the pain has eased.