I couldn't really say any of this until today. I still don't really WANT to say it... that we are leaving Hawaii. The last post I did was about going home and all the wonderful things about home. And I need to read that today to be reminded of why I am leaving this paradise on earth. Because I thought I would make a long list of the things I like about Hawaii, but it's too painful right now, I think. And some of it is escapes words anyway, it's just a feeling... an experience.
I spent a while last night, sitting outside in a chair, in Brian's lap, just looking at the trade winds in the palm trees, listening to the sounds of geckos chirping, which has become the soundtrack of our daily living. It's hard... leaving. And it's hard to explain to the people at home who are anxious (hopefully) for your return, but it's scary. We've been here in this sanctuary for a while now. We've grown accustomed to it's incubation, it's warmth, it's isolation, and it's lack of guilt and obligation. I feel pressed upon, a bit, now by the things that call me back. It's scary, this re-entry. It's scary to know (or at least to naively believe) that I have changed and wonder how I will fit into the space I occupied before.
And we are leaving friendships behind here too. Friendships that I hope were nurtured long enough to have strong roots. Certainly friendships that we will never forget and that will forever be a part of this blessed year. I remember the fear I felt when I got off the plane in Nashville after coming here last year to look for a house. How I wished I was getting off for good rather than just embarking. How could I have been so ridiculously rooted to the sameness? God has really been so kind in putting me here, He was so careful in the choice of location, He was so deliberate in the friends he put in our space, He was so gentle in His extraction! I am blessed.
I have a long day ahead. I woke up early with a cup of coffee on our lanai (the "fancy porch" as Amy called it) and watched the sun come up one last time over our palms and pool. And I read a poem by John O'Donahue that fits quite nicely into my space today. So I'll just let these words speak for me as I travel.... thanks, truly, for sticking it out with me this year. You were all familiarity in the unknown!
FOR THE TRAVELER
Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
INto a world you were never in.
New strangers on other paths await.
New places that have never seen you
will startle a little at your entry.
Old places that know you well
will pretend nothing changed since your last visit.
When you travel, you find yourself
Alone in a different way,
More attentive now
to the self you bring along,
Your more subtle eye
watching you abroad;
and how what meets you
touches that part of the heart
that lies low at home:
How you unexpectedly attune
to the timbre in some voice,
Opening a conversation
You want to take in
To where your longing
Has pressed hard enough Inward,
on some unsaid dark,
to create a crystal of insight
You could not have known
When you travel,
a new silence goes with you,
and if you listen,
you will hear what your hear would love to say.
A journey can become a sacred thing;
Make sure, before you go,
to take time to bless your going forth,
to free your heart of ballast
so that the compass of your soul
might direct you toward the territories of spirit
where you will discover more of your hidden life,
and the urgencies that deserve to claim you.
May you travel in an
Gathered wisely into your
That you may not waste the invitations
which wait along the way to transform you.
May you travel safely,
and live your time away to its fullest;
return home more enriched,
to balance the gift of days which call you.
From a book of blessings: To Bless the Space Between Us