My cousin, Letricia, sent an e-mail to my mom. Just as a side note, she mentioned that she missed reading my blog. And that sort of got me thinking about all the stuff that's happened since I left blogging... And alot has happened in the lives of alot of my blog friends too. And alot of my real life friends too for that matter. And it seems like alot of us are going through the same thing... divorce. So, I wanted to write an open letter to all my friends who have gone through a divorce over the past few years, or even who have just gone through a heartbreak.
And I had alot of thoughts about it... first of all, the number one thing I have learned is it's NOT about who your ex says you are... it's about who God says you are. You've heard "one man's trash is another man's treasure" and this is true, but I think more importantly, one man's trash has to be YOUR treasure. You have to treasure yourself and let God treasure you too. And there are alot of things God says about who YOU are. If you haven't read Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas or Believing God by Beth Moore, then you don't likely know the full scope of how enthralled the Lord is with you and your beauty! Read those if you are heartbroken! Actually, read those even if you aren't.
And also, my only other real piece of advice to you would be this... let yourself fall apart sometimes, but try hard to do it in front of people who won't judge you for falling apart. I recently heard an explanation of "don't cast your pearls before swine" (you know the story from the Bible) as share your pain ONLY with the people who have earned the right to hear it. And I can tell you, that even people who have earned the right through good times, won't be worthy of hearing what you are like in the worst time. I have friends and even people I barely knew who came along side me during the absolute WORST I had to offer the world. They walked with me and let me fall apart in the ugliest of ways (you all know that ugly cry, and mine went on for days sometimes.) I was an absolute burden to a few special people who God sent to help me carry the overwhelming load I was shouldering. I had some friends who were absolutely steadfast in their support of me throughout every trial I had faced in married life who just didn't have the stomach for the shit storm of divorce. And I can't think of a better way to describe what happens to your life when you get divorced. But I've come to learn and accept that there are people in seasons of your life according to what THEY can handle, not what YOU need. And I don't judge those people for their decisions. It hurt like hell in the moment as the mass exodus occurred, but now, in the aftermath and hindsight, I can see that this wasn't their fault. It is just how things are. And I have done the same to people in my life as well. When things hit too close to home, or when things get too difficult to deal with, we all have the capacity to abandon ship. Even Peter left Jesus when the going got too tough. And surely none of us have more motivation than he did. So be it.
And after you fall apart, in front of those worthy people who will still be standing with you the next morning, put on your lipstick, hold your head up, and put on the biggest smile you can muster. Swing for the fence every day. Fake it til you make it. Look your absolute best every time you leave the house because you never know when you'll meet your next husband or your worst enemy and you want to look like a million bucks either way!
And then I thought about the words of a song by Kelly Clarkson, and I wanted to give it to all my friends who might need a little spark.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone
And Katy Perry (she knows a thing or two about heartache herself):
Monday, June 24, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Reminders
I am sitting here in my house tonight, it's quiet, we have everything we need. I am just reminded, even though I wasn't looking for Him today, of my constant need for Him, whether I acknowledge it or not. Everyone has "those days". I was on a sales call today and ran into another salesman who said, "I think I'm having one of 'those lives'" And I chuckled, but I could so relate. I wanted to ask him if he is in a season of difficulty... because they are all seasons. But I'm so thankful for Exodus 14:14 and the constant promise that if we (according to the Message version) "close our mouths", God will do all that needs to be done! :)
Exodus 14:14
Exodus 14:14
14 God will fight the battle for you.
And you? You keep your mouths shut!”
And you? You keep your mouths shut!”
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Equal Yoking
Well, I've been around the blog world since what seems like before 'Nam. Things and people have come and gone in my life. And boy have things changed! And I've taken break after break, tried to start new blogs, and what not, but in the end, I think in blog posts and I have a commitment to this particular blog, a loyalty, if you will, that won't let me quit this specific chronicle, so here I am again! Whew!
What have I learned in two years of hard living and hard lessons? Wow, SO much! But one thing I've learned that has come to me in the past few days is this. When God talks about being equally yoked with someone, He wasn't (Granma forgive me) talking necessarily about Christianity and your belief system. I have come to believe that He was talking about being with someone who was, well, I don't really have a better way to say it... equally yoked. When I got married at age 27, I thought I had won the marriage lottery. Everything was perfect! But I was a country girl, he was a city boy. I was a (for lack of a better term) "tractor pull" and he was a "wine taster." I was raised in a small town (if you want to know more about that, consult John Mellencamp.) He was raised in the city. Farm and country life were in my blood. He had spent a little time on his grandparents "farm" (acreage in Mississippi with a big garden), but it was always more of a novelty. I think he didn't really "get" what it meant to me that my great grandfather had gotten my family home through the homestead act. I know of about 6 addresses he had occupied as a child. I grew up in ONE house from the time I was almost two until I moved to college. I grew up with a Daddy who I thought could do anything and a Mama... not a "mom" like city-folk have, but a "Mama!" Not Mommy like rich kids. Mama! What people from small Southern towns have. Mama and Granma knew how to set a formal table. We never EVER served ourselves from the stove on Sunday. We never EVER sat down without a real cloth napkin at our plate. So... all that to say that neither of us grew up "wrong", but miles and worlds apart.
I was reading back through some old journals of mine and I found entries where I was wondering, even back in 1996, if I would ever get to move back to a place where I felt at "home." I'll say, since that time, I've moved to a smaller community and I'm known by alot of people and I now (since being single) have started banking at a small bank where they know my name. There's just a difference in the way we do things that, neither right or wrong, is just fundamentally different. I don't think any of these things are deal breakers, by any stretch of the imagination. I was sailing along quite happily and contently the way things were. Please don't hear me criticizing or complaining because, by no means is that what I'm doing. I loved my ex-husband's family. I loved being in that life. But now that I've been out of that world long enough to take a real look at it, I can see that there were some quintessential differences that were not "equal yoking." I have many fears and worries as a single mom. And I'm not "playing the single mom card", don't feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life! But I do worry about some things being alone that I didn't worry about before. I lock all my windows now before I go to bed. I miss the luxury of being able to sleep with the windows open. And that's just one small example. But on the flip side, there are alot of aspects of my life that I have "reclaimed" (to steal a phrase from my months of counseling.) There are some things that I feel far more at home with now than I did before. I don't like many of the aspects of single life at this juncture (the world is made for couples at 43.) But there are some things that just fit better now... the little rebel girl who went barefoot and wore John Lennon sunglasses and always marched to the beat of her own drum has now regained her voice in many ways. She was always in there, but she felt that she needed to be a "respectable adult" for many years. So... I needed a place to lay this down and this felt like the safest place to do it. My faithful friends who followed this journey have earned the right to hear some of the good things that have come from the very bad things that brought them.
Love y'all!
What have I learned in two years of hard living and hard lessons? Wow, SO much! But one thing I've learned that has come to me in the past few days is this. When God talks about being equally yoked with someone, He wasn't (Granma forgive me) talking necessarily about Christianity and your belief system. I have come to believe that He was talking about being with someone who was, well, I don't really have a better way to say it... equally yoked. When I got married at age 27, I thought I had won the marriage lottery. Everything was perfect! But I was a country girl, he was a city boy. I was a (for lack of a better term) "tractor pull" and he was a "wine taster." I was raised in a small town (if you want to know more about that, consult John Mellencamp.) He was raised in the city. Farm and country life were in my blood. He had spent a little time on his grandparents "farm" (acreage in Mississippi with a big garden), but it was always more of a novelty. I think he didn't really "get" what it meant to me that my great grandfather had gotten my family home through the homestead act. I know of about 6 addresses he had occupied as a child. I grew up in ONE house from the time I was almost two until I moved to college. I grew up with a Daddy who I thought could do anything and a Mama... not a "mom" like city-folk have, but a "Mama!" Not Mommy like rich kids. Mama! What people from small Southern towns have. Mama and Granma knew how to set a formal table. We never EVER served ourselves from the stove on Sunday. We never EVER sat down without a real cloth napkin at our plate. So... all that to say that neither of us grew up "wrong", but miles and worlds apart.
I was reading back through some old journals of mine and I found entries where I was wondering, even back in 1996, if I would ever get to move back to a place where I felt at "home." I'll say, since that time, I've moved to a smaller community and I'm known by alot of people and I now (since being single) have started banking at a small bank where they know my name. There's just a difference in the way we do things that, neither right or wrong, is just fundamentally different. I don't think any of these things are deal breakers, by any stretch of the imagination. I was sailing along quite happily and contently the way things were. Please don't hear me criticizing or complaining because, by no means is that what I'm doing. I loved my ex-husband's family. I loved being in that life. But now that I've been out of that world long enough to take a real look at it, I can see that there were some quintessential differences that were not "equal yoking." I have many fears and worries as a single mom. And I'm not "playing the single mom card", don't feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life! But I do worry about some things being alone that I didn't worry about before. I lock all my windows now before I go to bed. I miss the luxury of being able to sleep with the windows open. And that's just one small example. But on the flip side, there are alot of aspects of my life that I have "reclaimed" (to steal a phrase from my months of counseling.) There are some things that I feel far more at home with now than I did before. I don't like many of the aspects of single life at this juncture (the world is made for couples at 43.) But there are some things that just fit better now... the little rebel girl who went barefoot and wore John Lennon sunglasses and always marched to the beat of her own drum has now regained her voice in many ways. She was always in there, but she felt that she needed to be a "respectable adult" for many years. So... I needed a place to lay this down and this felt like the safest place to do it. My faithful friends who followed this journey have earned the right to hear some of the good things that have come from the very bad things that brought them.
Love y'all!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Running... barefoot
So, most of you know, if you've been here in the past year, that I'm a bit of a running addict. I have used running as therapy for so long now that I literally cannot live without it. I'm not overstating it. Case in point... I just ran the Music City 1/2 Marathon a couple of weeks ago (my time was underwhelming and I was very disappointed with the run overall, but that's a whole other topic.) Anyway, I trained for this half with a stress fracture in my right hip and I can honestly say I've NEVER experienced the kind of pain I was in while running for the last three weeks of training. Child birth was a walk in the park compared to running on a fractured hip bone. Aye-aye-aye.
So, I was told that I need to rest the hip for 6 to TWELVE (that's right, I said, 12!!!) weeks. Gulp! I can't run? At ALL????? You say what? So, here I sat for the past 2 weeks, getting more and more depressed. When your body is used to a certain level of adrenaline and exercise induced endorphins, it's very difficult to go cold turkey. SO... I have filled my sad time with a book, Born to Run (which I highly recommend to ANYONE who has even the tiniest interest in running... it's not a book about how to run, but rather a book about lots of different people who run, these "running people" come from every single country and culture, but they are very interesting characters.) In reading the book, I have become CONVINCED that my injuries are primarily from wearing running shoes.
There's tons of science and explanation behind it, you'll just have to read the book if you want to know all the data, etc. Or Google "train to run barefoot" and you'll get an overload of information. But basically, what I've realized is that God created our feet to be the perfect running platform. He put the arch in the middle of our foot.... ever wonder why? Because the arch is the strongest structure and can bare the most load in architecture. That's right! The more weight you put on an arch, the stronger it gets because it presses in on itself. But what happens when you put a support beam under an arch? You destroy it's strength because you put the weight on the support beam... eventually the arch will collapse. Helllllooooooo!?!?! Isn't that exactly what we've done to our feet? God's design, of course, is perfect and ingenious. So, I'm going back to the basics.
Before you chastise me about glass and sharp objects, I bought some VERY flimsy, flat, minimalist running sneakers. I am wearing them all but 1/2 mile on very short runs right now. I did 2.5 yesterday, 2 in the flimsy shoes, .5 totally barefoot. I'm building up my thick soles, I'm trying to do this the right way (for once.)
So, if you're not a runner, this blog post has probably been the most boring ever... but if you want a fascinating read about people who can run up to 300 (yes, I said three HUNDRED) miles at a time... pick up Born to Run... it's great and very interesting!
So, I was told that I need to rest the hip for 6 to TWELVE (that's right, I said, 12!!!) weeks. Gulp! I can't run? At ALL????? You say what? So, here I sat for the past 2 weeks, getting more and more depressed. When your body is used to a certain level of adrenaline and exercise induced endorphins, it's very difficult to go cold turkey. SO... I have filled my sad time with a book, Born to Run (which I highly recommend to ANYONE who has even the tiniest interest in running... it's not a book about how to run, but rather a book about lots of different people who run, these "running people" come from every single country and culture, but they are very interesting characters.) In reading the book, I have become CONVINCED that my injuries are primarily from wearing running shoes.
There's tons of science and explanation behind it, you'll just have to read the book if you want to know all the data, etc. Or Google "train to run barefoot" and you'll get an overload of information. But basically, what I've realized is that God created our feet to be the perfect running platform. He put the arch in the middle of our foot.... ever wonder why? Because the arch is the strongest structure and can bare the most load in architecture. That's right! The more weight you put on an arch, the stronger it gets because it presses in on itself. But what happens when you put a support beam under an arch? You destroy it's strength because you put the weight on the support beam... eventually the arch will collapse. Helllllooooooo!?!?! Isn't that exactly what we've done to our feet? God's design, of course, is perfect and ingenious. So, I'm going back to the basics.
Before you chastise me about glass and sharp objects, I bought some VERY flimsy, flat, minimalist running sneakers. I am wearing them all but 1/2 mile on very short runs right now. I did 2.5 yesterday, 2 in the flimsy shoes, .5 totally barefoot. I'm building up my thick soles, I'm trying to do this the right way (for once.)
So, if you're not a runner, this blog post has probably been the most boring ever... but if you want a fascinating read about people who can run up to 300 (yes, I said three HUNDRED) miles at a time... pick up Born to Run... it's great and very interesting!
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Wide awake at 2:00 AM
So, I'm awake at 2 AM... I shouldn't be. I have two kids who are likely going to be home tomorrow with the same thing I was home sick with last week. I should be in bed. Dangit! And I certainly SHOULD be doing something else if, in fact, I insist on being awake... I should at least be folding laundry or something else reasonably productive.
Instead, here I sit with a jar of almost completely consumed nutella, a long list of new pins on Pinterest, and the song Breathe by Anna Nalick stuck in my head! :) (I think it's stuck because, well, it's 2 AM... and that's how the song starts....
Two am, and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
May he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Want to hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
Two am, and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Yeah, sing it if you'll understand
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Instead, here I sit with a jar of almost completely consumed nutella, a long list of new pins on Pinterest, and the song Breathe by Anna Nalick stuck in my head! :) (I think it's stuck because, well, it's 2 AM... and that's how the song starts....
Two am, and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
May he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Want to hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
Two am, and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Yeah, sing it if you'll understand
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Seems like I've said this alot....
But is anyone still out there? It's weird to me how much I think about my blog buddies... I wonder what y'all are up to. I wonder if anyone wonders what I'm up to! :)
Anyway, what I'm up to is this...
Running... I'm training for a half marathon in April and not feeling too confident about it either. I am just not feeling it the way I once did. A knee injury in my right knee has produced hip pain and joint pain on the left side, most likely from over compensation... ugh. Getting old sucks but it certainly beats the alternative I suppose. :)
Living... I am not certain about the future at all. I'm scared alot about practical matters now... money, insurance, health, etc. etc. Where I once focused on happiness and would I ever survive, now all that is falling into place, but I start to worry about the stuff that I don't have answers for. But I know that God has provided for me EVERY single day of my life. I know that He is faithful. And I know that when I leap, the net will appear. So that's what I'm focused on now... just focusing on the dream and ultimate goal (raise successful and compassionate kids, glorify my God while doing it, and have as much fun as possible along the way.) I think if I keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak, the rest of the stuff will reveal itself in time.
So... that's me. What have YOU been up to lately?
Anyway, what I'm up to is this...
Running... I'm training for a half marathon in April and not feeling too confident about it either. I am just not feeling it the way I once did. A knee injury in my right knee has produced hip pain and joint pain on the left side, most likely from over compensation... ugh. Getting old sucks but it certainly beats the alternative I suppose. :)
Living... I am not certain about the future at all. I'm scared alot about practical matters now... money, insurance, health, etc. etc. Where I once focused on happiness and would I ever survive, now all that is falling into place, but I start to worry about the stuff that I don't have answers for. But I know that God has provided for me EVERY single day of my life. I know that He is faithful. And I know that when I leap, the net will appear. So that's what I'm focused on now... just focusing on the dream and ultimate goal (raise successful and compassionate kids, glorify my God while doing it, and have as much fun as possible along the way.) I think if I keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak, the rest of the stuff will reveal itself in time.
So... that's me. What have YOU been up to lately?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Some days...
Since the holidays, I've felt so much better about my life. It's weird, I've always heard about people being sad that they are alone during the holidays, but I always thought you could rationalize it and think your way through it. Of course, that's not the case in matters of the heart. But anyway, I woke up on January 3 and WOW, I felt so much better.
So, I move along at a normal pace of life, not feeling so desperate and down as I did a month ago. But then it hits me, out of the blue. Something as simple as having to haul the 5,000 pound bulk laundry box up to the laundry room can smack me in the face and just piss me off. But then I realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and.....
So, I move along at a normal pace of life, not feeling so desperate and down as I did a month ago. But then it hits me, out of the blue. Something as simple as having to haul the 5,000 pound bulk laundry box up to the laundry room can smack me in the face and just piss me off. But then I realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and.....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Goodbye to the year from the pit!
Okay, I actually never really like New Years. I think I've said it before, but it's worth repeating... I guess this is a dark side of my psyche, but I always think at the stroke of midnight, "What if?" What if this is the year your sister dies, what if this is the year you find out you have cancer, or what if this is the year your marriage ends? I rarely see New Years as an opportunity for a fresh start. A long time ago, a friend of mine questioned why people make New Years resolutions. He said, "If I find something in myself that needs to be changed, I change it today, not a specific date on the calendar." That was a profound thing for me to hear. I've lived by that ever since. I no longer say "I'll start running on Monday or I'll do the laundry more in the new year, etc. etc." If I think something needs to change, I just start changing it.
But THIS year, this year is quite different for me. I cannot WAIT to see 2011 go down in flames. If 2011 were a person at the party, I'd flip it a giant bird, shove it out the door and slam and lock the door with or without 2011 having it's coat! :) I can't wait for 2012. Although, I know that things can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be worse, I think SURELY God will do something amazing in my life in 2012. I feel that this will be a year of redemption. This will be a year He whispers to me that I am His and that He has great plans for me. If He doesn't, then they will write another book of the Bible. It will be right after the book of Job. It will be called, "Job II, the Modern Day Sequel." :) Just kidding God!
But THIS year, this year is quite different for me. I cannot WAIT to see 2011 go down in flames. If 2011 were a person at the party, I'd flip it a giant bird, shove it out the door and slam and lock the door with or without 2011 having it's coat! :) I can't wait for 2012. Although, I know that things can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be worse, I think SURELY God will do something amazing in my life in 2012. I feel that this will be a year of redemption. This will be a year He whispers to me that I am His and that He has great plans for me. If He doesn't, then they will write another book of the Bible. It will be right after the book of Job. It will be called, "Job II, the Modern Day Sequel." :) Just kidding God!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:10-12
Jeremiah 29:10-12
Monday, December 26, 2011
Just sayin'
This is the truth, as I now know it! You TOO could be one run away. Seriously, even if you're not a runner, just start. Start somewhere. You don't have to start with a 10k or even a 5k. You can start with 200 yards. I guarantee, the only run you'll ever regret is the one you don't do!
I survived a hell of alot more than that, actually, so......
I'm quiet mouse, still mouse now Lord. Come and fight for your girl!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Proof that Pinterest isn't a total waste of my time!
Today I ran across this on Pinterest. See, if nothing else ever comes of my attempt at time passage, this was worth it! It's the top 30 things you should STOP doing to yourself. I wonder if I could tackle all of these in 2012? Nahhhh.... doubtful. Hope you enjoy!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
My obsessions (a.k.a. ways to zone out!)
I'm a bit obsessed with quotes right now. I pin them all over the internet onto Pinterest (my other obsession.)
Here are a few that spoke to me today.
Here are a few that spoke to me today.
So, this one is pretty funny... and I want to know why in the heck this season of my life seems to be taking soooooo long!
And it's getting LONGER.... better get busy Karma.
I think about this quote alot when I'm running. Sometimes it's the only way to get through it. I wish there was a way to run faster through seasons of life!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
There are days....
There are days when I hold it together very well. Days when I think to myself that I'm beautiful and that I won't be alone forever and that my husband was an idiot not to see what he had before him. There are days when I walk through my life thinking, this is okay, even if this is it. Even if this is all I ever get. After all, I have so much more than many people ever experience. To want more than this is just greed. I have enough experiences, enough enrichment, enough love, enough joy, enough enough enough for a lifetime already, and I'm only 42 years in. Those days, I believe that I am a child of the King. I believe that I am a Princess, made in His image, beloved of the Most High. Those days, I believe He cares, He sees me alone in so many circumstances that I DON'T WANT to face alone and He didn't make me the lonely type. Those days, I believe it will all work out for me. And that I will find happiness someday.
Then there are days when I just can't seem to pull it together. Painful days when the tears flow freely and my breathing is labored and I swear the Earth has run completely out of oxygen. That I'm alone and no one will ever share my life with me. That I'm undesirable. Satan wins the battles in my mind and I believe, in those dark days, that what I have to offer is not nearly enough for the cost. There are days when I feel that this will be my forever. That what I've known wasn't enough. That I can't bare the thought of living a lonely existence another minute, much less the rest of my life. On those days I see myself becoming the crazy dog lady who just has a house full of dogs, whose kids never come to visit because her house is too gross, and who no one really understands. That's when I know I'm losing it, but that's not the point here. :)
So, the point is, what do I know for sure? I know for SURE that at the core, I am still the girl who left the farm life with a wide eyed wonder. I know that I have had a spark that is still in there somewhere. There is a line in a song that I have always thought described me, "a torch of a girl with a hurricane in her soul." Yes, that's me. Always! I was always a torch passionate about whatever it was I was pursuing at the moment. I always had a spark, a spunk, and a little something devious in me. So, now, I just have this opportunity to remind myself of what I KNOW FOR SURE about myself. I know for sure that I am made in His image, and therefore, He must have a passionate side, a side that likes to be surrounded by friends, even sometimes the wrong friends. After all, Jesus loved a dinner party, he turned water into wine for his first miracle, for goodness sake, don't tell me He didn't know how to have a good time. I know that for me, being made in His image, does not look like being something He didn't create me to be, that going in the opposite direction of who I was made to be just doesn't work. It's not natural and the reason it feels all wrong is because that's not who HE intended me to be. If you read Eat, Pray, Love, there is a point in the book where she tries to take a vow of silence and the "universe" just isn't having it. All sorts of situations keep popping up that make it nearly impossible for her to be silent. And she finally realizes that "God didn't make her the quiet brunette in the back of the room. God made her the loud, talkative blonde out front." That didn't mean that she couldn't be a BETTER loud, talkative blonde, it just meant that it was dishonoring to God and herself to try to be the person He didn't ever intend for her to be. Sort of a "bloom where you're planted" mentality. So, I'm going to be the best extraverted, social, caring, compassionate, enthusiastic person I can be, and stop trying to figure out how I'm ever going to survive my current state of misery.
I don't have a verse to end with today. But instead, I have this quoted text message. I will share this with you, sacred as it is to me, because I think it honors the kind of strong women/friends that I'm surrounded by. And I think it's honoring and true to Emmanuel, God with us:
Me:
"... I'm so angry with God right now! Why is this season lasting so long? I know He could rescue me. I know He could stop it. Why must I continue to suffer?"
Friend:
"I hear you, what would rescue or Him stopping the suffering look like?"
Me:
"Just f'ing tell me the point already. Whatever lesson I need to learn, write it on the wall so I can move on. Why does everything that brings a little relief have to be taken from me?"
Friend:
"Here's my take. I think Emmanuel with us looks a lot less like teaching us lessons... I think instead he cries in your room at night for you as you sleep alone. I think He sees your heart as one that's been wronged, wounded, and treated terribly. And I don't get why he's not making this pass quicker. But I trust that in the in between, He is actually the truest friend you have. But is also the sturdiest. So slam the door in his face if you need to."
Oh, dear friend, YOU were Jesus with skin on for me that day. You, said it so perfectly.
Then there are days when I just can't seem to pull it together. Painful days when the tears flow freely and my breathing is labored and I swear the Earth has run completely out of oxygen. That I'm alone and no one will ever share my life with me. That I'm undesirable. Satan wins the battles in my mind and I believe, in those dark days, that what I have to offer is not nearly enough for the cost. There are days when I feel that this will be my forever. That what I've known wasn't enough. That I can't bare the thought of living a lonely existence another minute, much less the rest of my life. On those days I see myself becoming the crazy dog lady who just has a house full of dogs, whose kids never come to visit because her house is too gross, and who no one really understands. That's when I know I'm losing it, but that's not the point here. :)
So, the point is, what do I know for sure? I know for SURE that at the core, I am still the girl who left the farm life with a wide eyed wonder. I know that I have had a spark that is still in there somewhere. There is a line in a song that I have always thought described me, "a torch of a girl with a hurricane in her soul." Yes, that's me. Always! I was always a torch passionate about whatever it was I was pursuing at the moment. I always had a spark, a spunk, and a little something devious in me. So, now, I just have this opportunity to remind myself of what I KNOW FOR SURE about myself. I know for sure that I am made in His image, and therefore, He must have a passionate side, a side that likes to be surrounded by friends, even sometimes the wrong friends. After all, Jesus loved a dinner party, he turned water into wine for his first miracle, for goodness sake, don't tell me He didn't know how to have a good time. I know that for me, being made in His image, does not look like being something He didn't create me to be, that going in the opposite direction of who I was made to be just doesn't work. It's not natural and the reason it feels all wrong is because that's not who HE intended me to be. If you read Eat, Pray, Love, there is a point in the book where she tries to take a vow of silence and the "universe" just isn't having it. All sorts of situations keep popping up that make it nearly impossible for her to be silent. And she finally realizes that "God didn't make her the quiet brunette in the back of the room. God made her the loud, talkative blonde out front." That didn't mean that she couldn't be a BETTER loud, talkative blonde, it just meant that it was dishonoring to God and herself to try to be the person He didn't ever intend for her to be. Sort of a "bloom where you're planted" mentality. So, I'm going to be the best extraverted, social, caring, compassionate, enthusiastic person I can be, and stop trying to figure out how I'm ever going to survive my current state of misery.
I don't have a verse to end with today. But instead, I have this quoted text message. I will share this with you, sacred as it is to me, because I think it honors the kind of strong women/friends that I'm surrounded by. And I think it's honoring and true to Emmanuel, God with us:
Me:
"... I'm so angry with God right now! Why is this season lasting so long? I know He could rescue me. I know He could stop it. Why must I continue to suffer?"
Friend:
"I hear you, what would rescue or Him stopping the suffering look like?"
Me:
"Just f'ing tell me the point already. Whatever lesson I need to learn, write it on the wall so I can move on. Why does everything that brings a little relief have to be taken from me?"
Friend:
"Here's my take. I think Emmanuel with us looks a lot less like teaching us lessons... I think instead he cries in your room at night for you as you sleep alone. I think He sees your heart as one that's been wronged, wounded, and treated terribly. And I don't get why he's not making this pass quicker. But I trust that in the in between, He is actually the truest friend you have. But is also the sturdiest. So slam the door in his face if you need to."
Oh, dear friend, YOU were Jesus with skin on for me that day. You, said it so perfectly.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Back Where I Come From
Y'all have heard me talk about home before. About how I grew up with a Daddy who was larger than life to me, I loved Loretta Lynn, my Mama and Granma took a casserole, desert or pimento cheese to every Baptist who ever had a baby or any elderly shut-in that ever existed within a 15 mile radius. My grandparents had gardens, big ones, and canned and shucked and shelled every summer. No matter how far I've fallen, I was raised up right. No matter how far I've traveled from home (and Honolulu is a LONG way from Fulton), that country girl, raised in a small town, was in there all the time.
I think, for me anyway, when things go wrong in my life, I always think about returning to ground zero (not the one in NYC, but the my ground zero.) It's sort of like going back to the last place I knew everything was right. If life goes haywire for me, in my mind, the last time I KNEW what I wanted and where I was going was when I was home. Of course, when I was there, the place I knew I was going was "anywhere but here." But still, there's this nostalgia about home, my hometown, and the life there that isn't realistic, I'm sure, but that in my mind, is safety. In my mind, I know that if everything goes wrong in the world, if I lose the roof over my head and the food on my table, there's a safe place to land. And that's home.
In the end, I could say that my parents are a roaring success. If, at the mid-point in their lives, my kids could say that home is their safe place to land, that they know when ALL else fails them, no matter who's right or who's wrong, no matter their part in the mistakes or whether or not the whole mess is their fault, they know that they have a safe landing near me, then I'll be pleased with the job I've done as a mom. That's all I really want for my kids, in the end, if they take nothing else. And I hope that they take 1,000,000 other things too. I hope I prepare them for ANY path they choose in life, whether it be ditch digger or brain surgeon, I hope I give them confidence and humility both enough to embrace their lives and know that they are accepted, any way they are. That's what my parents gave me, above all else. I know that no matter what, I can go home. I could always go home. I would always have a roof over my head. I would always "figure it out" and "make it work" if I had to. And that is something I do not take for granted. I don't think everyone could say that in this world. I don't think everyone has that kind of safety net.
Believe me, I'm not saying that is anywhere close to optimal. My kids need to be raised here, or close to here, where they have their own support network. There are psychiatrists and experts to help Liam. There are "city" activities that interest Jack. There are all sorts of enrichment opportunities for the kids that aren't offered in my hometown. I would never uproot them again unless I had no choice at all. But in the end, when I find it hard to breathe because I am unsure about the future, I know the option is there and if nothing else, I'll have food and shelter and people who will welcome me.
Today as I was praying, I just felt a renewed sense of strength come over me. I have felt that everyone thought I was this strong person, but that in reality, I was so weak and I was broken and I really didn't know what in the world I was going to do to survive. I didn't see any happiness in my future. I didn't see anything around me that looked like the life I wanted. I didn't have any dreams or any hopes other than survival and my kids being okay. I know it seems ridiculous to think that my life is over at 42 and that my only hope was that I didn't screw my kids up too badly, but that's where I was (and am dangerously teetering on that edge throughout the day at times.) But just for today, I heard God say, "I've got this. I've got you! I'm big enough to take all this, child. Give Me your sorrow. Give Me your fear. Give Me your children. I've got this!" And I literally envisioned Him reaching His hands out and taking my worries and my fears from me. It was such an amazing feeling. Just to let it go. Just to open my hands and just offer it up and just for today, I haven't really worried at all. The fears and thoughts have not been overwhelming. The doubt has not shaded everything else. I have felt strong. I haven't had the catastrophic thinking that this was it, no one would ever love me again, I would never feel secure or known, that I would be lonely forever. P-lease! I'm so morose sometimes! I know that God knows every single thought, every desire, every yearning, every fear, and I know that He wants what's best for me. He has something for us to do, somewhere for us to go, and we can't get there with me holding on to these things that are not of Him. I found a quote on Pinterest that I think is so appropriate and I hope I can remember it moving forward:
I think, for me anyway, when things go wrong in my life, I always think about returning to ground zero (not the one in NYC, but the my ground zero.) It's sort of like going back to the last place I knew everything was right. If life goes haywire for me, in my mind, the last time I KNEW what I wanted and where I was going was when I was home. Of course, when I was there, the place I knew I was going was "anywhere but here." But still, there's this nostalgia about home, my hometown, and the life there that isn't realistic, I'm sure, but that in my mind, is safety. In my mind, I know that if everything goes wrong in the world, if I lose the roof over my head and the food on my table, there's a safe place to land. And that's home.
In the end, I could say that my parents are a roaring success. If, at the mid-point in their lives, my kids could say that home is their safe place to land, that they know when ALL else fails them, no matter who's right or who's wrong, no matter their part in the mistakes or whether or not the whole mess is their fault, they know that they have a safe landing near me, then I'll be pleased with the job I've done as a mom. That's all I really want for my kids, in the end, if they take nothing else. And I hope that they take 1,000,000 other things too. I hope I prepare them for ANY path they choose in life, whether it be ditch digger or brain surgeon, I hope I give them confidence and humility both enough to embrace their lives and know that they are accepted, any way they are. That's what my parents gave me, above all else. I know that no matter what, I can go home. I could always go home. I would always have a roof over my head. I would always "figure it out" and "make it work" if I had to. And that is something I do not take for granted. I don't think everyone could say that in this world. I don't think everyone has that kind of safety net.
Believe me, I'm not saying that is anywhere close to optimal. My kids need to be raised here, or close to here, where they have their own support network. There are psychiatrists and experts to help Liam. There are "city" activities that interest Jack. There are all sorts of enrichment opportunities for the kids that aren't offered in my hometown. I would never uproot them again unless I had no choice at all. But in the end, when I find it hard to breathe because I am unsure about the future, I know the option is there and if nothing else, I'll have food and shelter and people who will welcome me.
Today as I was praying, I just felt a renewed sense of strength come over me. I have felt that everyone thought I was this strong person, but that in reality, I was so weak and I was broken and I really didn't know what in the world I was going to do to survive. I didn't see any happiness in my future. I didn't see anything around me that looked like the life I wanted. I didn't have any dreams or any hopes other than survival and my kids being okay. I know it seems ridiculous to think that my life is over at 42 and that my only hope was that I didn't screw my kids up too badly, but that's where I was (and am dangerously teetering on that edge throughout the day at times.) But just for today, I heard God say, "I've got this. I've got you! I'm big enough to take all this, child. Give Me your sorrow. Give Me your fear. Give Me your children. I've got this!" And I literally envisioned Him reaching His hands out and taking my worries and my fears from me. It was such an amazing feeling. Just to let it go. Just to open my hands and just offer it up and just for today, I haven't really worried at all. The fears and thoughts have not been overwhelming. The doubt has not shaded everything else. I have felt strong. I haven't had the catastrophic thinking that this was it, no one would ever love me again, I would never feel secure or known, that I would be lonely forever. P-lease! I'm so morose sometimes! I know that God knows every single thought, every desire, every yearning, every fear, and I know that He wants what's best for me. He has something for us to do, somewhere for us to go, and we can't get there with me holding on to these things that are not of Him. I found a quote on Pinterest that I think is so appropriate and I hope I can remember it moving forward:
So, I don't know if what I've been through really qualifies as a chapter. I think it's more like, you can't watch the sequel if you keep re-running the original. It's more like an installment of a saga than a chapter, but I digress. You get the point.
Romans 5:8
"I loved you at your darkest."
Monday, December 12, 2011
Super Glue, Nutella, Wine, and Light Bulbs
Today was a difficult day, breathing wise. I get this feeling in my throat like my throat is actually numb. It's weird. I think my body is actually starting to rebel against the stress. I have aches and pains with no logical explanation except just that my life sorta sucks. So, I decided today that I will start to change my perspective. If you're familiar with the Enneagram (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE and am sort of addicted to), I'm a 7. Some call 7's "Enthusiasts", but Richard Rohr titles 7's "The Need to Avoid Pain". Yes, that describes me. 7s are known not to have a very high tolerance for unhappiness, we have a short attention span for the unpleasant. So, with that in mind, I just needed to really change my frame of reference. I have been stuck in this fearful mindset, trying to think through my entire life scenario every morning and make it better TODAY. Unrealistic, I know.
So, positives for today. These are a real stretch, but work with me here. First, Super Glue... Thank you, whoever created super-glue. At my house, alot of stuff gets broken... super glue has spared me many a tear. Tonight, however, I had a little "run in" with a tube of the super stuff. I'm now sporting a second skin of super glue.
Nutella and Wine... when you're not really expecting to impress anyone with your cooking skills, you can make scrambled eggs in the microwave and frozen waffles for the kids and just have a spoon of Nutella and a glass of wine for yourself. Keeps things simple. And almost no dishes.
Light bulbs... I'm so thankful that today, a light bulb went out in our mud room and I didn't have to get out the ladder to change it. WE have someone doing work around the house right now and he changed the light for me. It's the little things. :)
So, positives for today. These are a real stretch, but work with me here. First, Super Glue... Thank you, whoever created super-glue. At my house, alot of stuff gets broken... super glue has spared me many a tear. Tonight, however, I had a little "run in" with a tube of the super stuff. I'm now sporting a second skin of super glue.
Nutella and Wine... when you're not really expecting to impress anyone with your cooking skills, you can make scrambled eggs in the microwave and frozen waffles for the kids and just have a spoon of Nutella and a glass of wine for yourself. Keeps things simple. And almost no dishes.
Light bulbs... I'm so thankful that today, a light bulb went out in our mud room and I didn't have to get out the ladder to change it. WE have someone doing work around the house right now and he changed the light for me. It's the little things. :)
Mornings and other stuff
I don't know why I always have the hardest time breathing in the morning. I am pretty good at night. Some people have told me that night is the hardest time for them, but not me. For some reason, things always look better in the night. Mornings, I have a hard time catching my breath. Mornings just seem overwhelming. I'm not really sure why. It's not like there are things going on here that I haven't been doing for 11 years already. It's not like my mornings are hard. They aren't. We have a really good routine. We run pretty well most mornings. It's not without it's chaos, but it's not too bad. I can logically ask myself why I'm fearful in the mornings, but I don't have any answers.
There are SO many things in your life that become entangled when you are with someone for 17 years. Not only stuff, but everything has to change. Computer passwords, addresses, traditions, routines, everything that you have just sort of taken for granted for a very long time, now require some thought and strategy to get through them. It's difficult to go through this sort of thing without stepping on some toes, but I am really trying to be as dignified and compassionate as possible. That's probably alot of my problem, I just feel TOO much, I worry too much about everyone else's feelings.
I can't believe how many people I know who are going through this right now. It seems like it's happening in a giant wave. I guess there are people suffering and hurting all the time but when you are in the midst of it, you seek others out in your same boat. That's what I did during the adoption process. Now I'm proving the old saying, "Misery loves company." :)
There are SO many things in your life that become entangled when you are with someone for 17 years. Not only stuff, but everything has to change. Computer passwords, addresses, traditions, routines, everything that you have just sort of taken for granted for a very long time, now require some thought and strategy to get through them. It's difficult to go through this sort of thing without stepping on some toes, but I am really trying to be as dignified and compassionate as possible. That's probably alot of my problem, I just feel TOO much, I worry too much about everyone else's feelings.
I can't believe how many people I know who are going through this right now. It seems like it's happening in a giant wave. I guess there are people suffering and hurting all the time but when you are in the midst of it, you seek others out in your same boat. That's what I did during the adoption process. Now I'm proving the old saying, "Misery loves company." :)
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Strength
Strength is a funny thing, I think. A mystery. Elusive even. People keep telling me I am strong. I don't feel strong. I have a few friends who are going through the same thing I am and at least one of them could run circles around me in her strength. Everyone's situation is different, but when I look at these other women, I feel weak.
I am reminded of the saying, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the face of it." Okay, so does that mean that because I am getting out of bed every day and moving forward through my life that I am strong and courageous? I don't know.
Strength Defined:
I am not sure that I qualify as "strong". But, I do know that I can do what needs to be done. I do know that in almost every single scenario in my life, I have landed on my feet. I think that was one of the things that was most difficult to me about the failure of my marriage and why I hung on as long as I did, I have never really experienced things just going wrong no matter how much effort I put into it. SO.... the thing that keeps a lump in my throat is the loneliness of the situation. The lack of companionship and the lack of a partner in making decisions. But this too is making me stronger. I know that I can trust myself. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, it's just that I haven't had to make big decisions by myself in many years and therefore, I'm a little unsteady on my feet. But you know what, I am starting to feel a little stronger now. I'm praying my way out of the pit. I'm learning that in situations where I would normally have a spouse to talk through things and help me make the decisions, I can talk to God and ask Him for guidance. If I don't immediately feel an answer, I know that I should just sit on it. This is hard for me because I hate leaving things hanging and I don't like to mull over decisions for too long. But I'm learning.
So, what makes a person strong? Is it strong if you can survive a heart break? Is it strong if the ground is shaking and everything around you is smoking and unrecognizable, but you're still able to get out of bed? Because I think that might be what I am doing. I might be surviving and getting out of bed every day, I can't say that I'm doing much more than that, but I'm feeling my way through the darkness of the days and I do know, somewhere deep down inside me, that the thoughts of doubt I have are not real. I know that there will be happiness for me somewhere down the road, one way or the other. I don't know what that will look like, but whatever it looks like, I really trust that God will put me at peace with whatever that picture is. Of course, I have some ideas that I am suggesting to him, but that God of mine, He has a mind of His own! :)
Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God,strengthen me just once more..."
Judges 16:28
I am reminded of the saying, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the face of it." Okay, so does that mean that because I am getting out of bed every day and moving forward through my life that I am strong and courageous? I don't know.
Strength Defined:
strength
- The quality of being strong.
- The intensity of a force or power; potency.
- The strongest part of something.
- A positive attribute.
Synonyms
So, what makes a person strong? Is it strong if you can survive a heart break? Is it strong if the ground is shaking and everything around you is smoking and unrecognizable, but you're still able to get out of bed? Because I think that might be what I am doing. I might be surviving and getting out of bed every day, I can't say that I'm doing much more than that, but I'm feeling my way through the darkness of the days and I do know, somewhere deep down inside me, that the thoughts of doubt I have are not real. I know that there will be happiness for me somewhere down the road, one way or the other. I don't know what that will look like, but whatever it looks like, I really trust that God will put me at peace with whatever that picture is. Of course, I have some ideas that I am suggesting to him, but that God of mine, He has a mind of His own! :)
Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God,strengthen me just once more..."
Judges 16:28
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Time
I was thinking today about the adage "Time heals all wounds" and I was actually arguing in my head that I don't believe it. First of all, on April 4, 2010, I told myself, "I can't wait for April 4, 2011. Surely things will be so much better by then. We will have gone through our first of every single thing in the new light of our story." See, when my sister was killed, I found out that the first time you experience every milestone without that person, it's the hardest. You have the first birthday without them, the first holiday, the first first day of school, etc. etc. But once you've been through that pain, it doesn't go away, it's just that it's not as sharp anymore. So, I thought experiencing the first of everything in my new reality would surely make things so much better and after the year had passed, I'd be well on my way to accepting the new normal of my life.
Then April 4, 2011 rolled around. Honolulu, HI. Dinner out. I was so naive. Ridiculous really, when I think back on it. But very indicative of how I handled the entire situation. I thought if I could somehow commemorate the event, acknowledge it, try not to avoid it but just straight up admit that it was the day the earth shook and the sky went black for me, then I could somehow get control of it, take it in my hands and make it bend to my will. DUMB DUMB DUMB!!!!! The night was a total disaster. I walked halfway home, threw my favorite pair of heels at a homeless encampment (someone in Hono, HI is walking around in a really nice pair of Madden's now) and in general lost my mind. That day is a really bad day in my life history, that April 4.... I don't like that April 4. From that moment forward, I had this frantic urge to get the heck off the island. I felt like I was in jail, I felt trapped there. I felt so completely caged. I remember feeling like a tiger at the zoo, pacing back and forth in the cage, this primal urge to DO something and nothing to DO but pace. So, I did what I ALWAYS do, I ran. I ran and ran and ran. All over Honolulu and Waikiki, I just ran. I ran and BEGGED God to change things. I begged Him to make things better. I begged Him to change my story and not ask my kids to live the life of divorced parents. I begged and begged. I screamed on the black rocks under Diamond Head. I cried my eyes out, drowned out by the crashing waves, only God and the bright purple eel that lived there could possibly hear me, but my groans were spiritual, they were deep, they were primal, and they were painful. I have journal entry after journal entry, typed on the phone while sitting on those rocks. And the cries are not that different from the cries I have today.
Here's the difference though, in what I know today that I didn't know that day, or any of the days leading up to this week, but I know now. I have an enormous heart for the hurting and wounded of the world. Anytime I see someone behaving badly, being mean, or being sad, I only see an individual who is in deep pain. That's why when my friend got so mad at me last week, others were angry with her for her reaction to me, but all I could do was apologize over and over to her because I knew that there was alot of pain coming out in the wrong way. It's the same thing that happened in my marriage. I never told anyone what was going on because I felt sure I could handle the crushing blows on my own. Heap it on me, I can take it. I can handle your pain because I see that it's not personal to me, it's your pain and you aren't meaning to hurt me, you're hurting inside and I'm an accidental victim. My therapist pointed out this week that I am willing to take just about any amount of "abuse" (don't read that wrong, I was not an abused spouse) as long as it doesn't affect people I love. I rarely draw a line for myself that says, "I won't take more than x." I only stand up and put my foot down when people's pain starts to hurt innocent bystanders that I love and care about. While that might sound noble on the front end, I encourage you not to congratulate me on my huge heart or caring ways. Contrary, I've created a mess of a person, a weary soul, and a situation I've got to dig my way out of because I didn't feel WORTHY of having a standard for myself. I don't know why. It's not because I wasn't loved as a child, etc. etc. I was. I don't blame it on my raising, I don't know where the hell I learned this. But somewhere along the way, I started to believe that as long as someone would love me, I could or should take whatever else came along with that too. I just want to be loved so badly that I am willing to be treated in ways that I shouldn't.
So, therein lies the REAL difficulty for me in this whole marriage situation. First of all, I want my children to learn that there are limits to what they should accept from others in order to be loved. Yes, love can be unconditional, love can be tolerant, but the key is, if you are being asked to tolerate things that are not loving, then it's not love you're receiving. I want them to know that they are SO WORTHY of being loved unconditionally, not for what they do, not for how they look, how they perform, whether they get it right or wrong, but just by the mere fact that they ARE... they are children of God, they are precious, wanted individuals who deserve to be cherished, protected, and valued by me, their daddy, and everyone else in their life, regardless of any other thing in the world. Without doing a thing, they deserve that. How do I demonstrate that to them though, if I can't expect it for myself?
But then also, I wonder, will they ever understand what drove me to drastic measures? Will they ever forgive me for drawing a line for myself? Will they ever not blame me that I couldn't figure out how to put this thing back together? I know that this is painful for them, I know that there will be times for the rest of their lives when it will be painful, and then eventually just plain inconvenient. And I'm damned if I can figure out a way to avoid that for them. Which makes me feel selfish for not just sucking it up and figuring it out. But then I think of all the things that have occurred in the past year and a half and oh the ache for my own inner child... the ache for why I wouldn't/couldn't protect HER from some of these things... I should have shielded her the way I shielded everyone else. I'm trying. I'm learning what that looks like. I'm trying to keep my eyes forward focused when others question me and plant shameful thoughts. I'm trying to remember that I have to heal myself first if I am ever ever going to experience what it is I was wanting so desperately. And I'm SO hopeful that when I DO heal, and when I DO experience that, then my children will naturally flourish in the light of that. They are truly my only concern in this. Because if I come out of this alive, I've survived it. If I come out of this as happy personally as I've ever been, but my children wither, I will be a shell forever. If I come out of this alone and lonely, but my children thrive, then I will have lived well and I won't count the cost.
Matthew 28:20
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Then April 4, 2011 rolled around. Honolulu, HI. Dinner out. I was so naive. Ridiculous really, when I think back on it. But very indicative of how I handled the entire situation. I thought if I could somehow commemorate the event, acknowledge it, try not to avoid it but just straight up admit that it was the day the earth shook and the sky went black for me, then I could somehow get control of it, take it in my hands and make it bend to my will. DUMB DUMB DUMB!!!!! The night was a total disaster. I walked halfway home, threw my favorite pair of heels at a homeless encampment (someone in Hono, HI is walking around in a really nice pair of Madden's now) and in general lost my mind. That day is a really bad day in my life history, that April 4.... I don't like that April 4. From that moment forward, I had this frantic urge to get the heck off the island. I felt like I was in jail, I felt trapped there. I felt so completely caged. I remember feeling like a tiger at the zoo, pacing back and forth in the cage, this primal urge to DO something and nothing to DO but pace. So, I did what I ALWAYS do, I ran. I ran and ran and ran. All over Honolulu and Waikiki, I just ran. I ran and BEGGED God to change things. I begged Him to make things better. I begged Him to change my story and not ask my kids to live the life of divorced parents. I begged and begged. I screamed on the black rocks under Diamond Head. I cried my eyes out, drowned out by the crashing waves, only God and the bright purple eel that lived there could possibly hear me, but my groans were spiritual, they were deep, they were primal, and they were painful. I have journal entry after journal entry, typed on the phone while sitting on those rocks. And the cries are not that different from the cries I have today.
Here's the difference though, in what I know today that I didn't know that day, or any of the days leading up to this week, but I know now. I have an enormous heart for the hurting and wounded of the world. Anytime I see someone behaving badly, being mean, or being sad, I only see an individual who is in deep pain. That's why when my friend got so mad at me last week, others were angry with her for her reaction to me, but all I could do was apologize over and over to her because I knew that there was alot of pain coming out in the wrong way. It's the same thing that happened in my marriage. I never told anyone what was going on because I felt sure I could handle the crushing blows on my own. Heap it on me, I can take it. I can handle your pain because I see that it's not personal to me, it's your pain and you aren't meaning to hurt me, you're hurting inside and I'm an accidental victim. My therapist pointed out this week that I am willing to take just about any amount of "abuse" (don't read that wrong, I was not an abused spouse) as long as it doesn't affect people I love. I rarely draw a line for myself that says, "I won't take more than x." I only stand up and put my foot down when people's pain starts to hurt innocent bystanders that I love and care about. While that might sound noble on the front end, I encourage you not to congratulate me on my huge heart or caring ways. Contrary, I've created a mess of a person, a weary soul, and a situation I've got to dig my way out of because I didn't feel WORTHY of having a standard for myself. I don't know why. It's not because I wasn't loved as a child, etc. etc. I was. I don't blame it on my raising, I don't know where the hell I learned this. But somewhere along the way, I started to believe that as long as someone would love me, I could or should take whatever else came along with that too. I just want to be loved so badly that I am willing to be treated in ways that I shouldn't.
So, therein lies the REAL difficulty for me in this whole marriage situation. First of all, I want my children to learn that there are limits to what they should accept from others in order to be loved. Yes, love can be unconditional, love can be tolerant, but the key is, if you are being asked to tolerate things that are not loving, then it's not love you're receiving. I want them to know that they are SO WORTHY of being loved unconditionally, not for what they do, not for how they look, how they perform, whether they get it right or wrong, but just by the mere fact that they ARE... they are children of God, they are precious, wanted individuals who deserve to be cherished, protected, and valued by me, their daddy, and everyone else in their life, regardless of any other thing in the world. Without doing a thing, they deserve that. How do I demonstrate that to them though, if I can't expect it for myself?
But then also, I wonder, will they ever understand what drove me to drastic measures? Will they ever forgive me for drawing a line for myself? Will they ever not blame me that I couldn't figure out how to put this thing back together? I know that this is painful for them, I know that there will be times for the rest of their lives when it will be painful, and then eventually just plain inconvenient. And I'm damned if I can figure out a way to avoid that for them. Which makes me feel selfish for not just sucking it up and figuring it out. But then I think of all the things that have occurred in the past year and a half and oh the ache for my own inner child... the ache for why I wouldn't/couldn't protect HER from some of these things... I should have shielded her the way I shielded everyone else. I'm trying. I'm learning what that looks like. I'm trying to keep my eyes forward focused when others question me and plant shameful thoughts. I'm trying to remember that I have to heal myself first if I am ever ever going to experience what it is I was wanting so desperately. And I'm SO hopeful that when I DO heal, and when I DO experience that, then my children will naturally flourish in the light of that. They are truly my only concern in this. Because if I come out of this alive, I've survived it. If I come out of this as happy personally as I've ever been, but my children wither, I will be a shell forever. If I come out of this alone and lonely, but my children thrive, then I will have lived well and I won't count the cost.
Matthew 28:20
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Exhale....
What a week! I can't say that I've been this happy to burn a week of my life in a long long time. I thought there were bad weeks in my life from time to time, when I had something stressful coming up, when I was waiting waiting waiting in the adoption process... when I was planning a WEDDING! UGH! But I can't remember days on end where I would wake up unable to breathe prior to April 2010. Even when I first realized that my marriage was in jeopardy, I wasn't nearly as stressed as I have been in the past few weeks. I think all the uncertainty, all the reality, and all the responsibility has come crashing in on me and I can't keep my head in the sand anymore.
I know there are several reasons this is occurring: 1) the Holidays... I've always always always loved the holidays. When I was a little kid, my mom didn't really like the holidays and I never understood why we would leave our tree (artificial) decorated all year long with a sheet thrown over it in the attic. My mom or dad (can't remember... probably my mom) would drag it down out of the attic on December 23rd or 24th. It was pine with flocking and blue glass balls on it. Reminded me of Elvis growing up, the whole "Blue Christmas" thing. Anyway, that was my experience of Christmas as a kid. December 26th, Elvis would head back to the attic for another 363 days. Every Christmas night when the last package was opened, my dad would proclaim, "Well, there's another 365 days til Christmas." So, when I left home I went a little Christmas crazy. My mom's friends even threw me a Christmas shower where I registered for tons of decorations when I got engaged. It was so fun. Anyway, I always put my tree up a couple of days before Thanksgiving. This year was no different. I was determined that my holidays would not be depressing so I invited a few really close friends over to put out my decor and make sure that nothing was exactly like it has always been. We got the stuff done and had fun in the process and I felt really good about the kick-off to my season. But then, my kids left for Thanksgiving, I had the fight with my friend (not really a fight, it was more her telling me how disappointed she was in me and me just crying and apologizing, but that's another story for another time), I floated around on Thanksgiving day, and then Sunday through Wednesday I cried every moment I could. Thursday was a little better, but I still had my minutes. So, that's reason #1.
2) My birthday is this week. Ugh! I'm OLD!!!! My dad keeps telling me that I'm in the best decade of my life (40) because I'm old enough to realize what matters, but young enough to still have alot of life ahead. Doesn't feel like that... feels like I just have ALOT of life ahead (if it stays like this) or not much life left (if things get better.)
3) I am getting to the point in my process where I have to meet with attorneys and actually pull my head out of the sand (or my butt, depending on who you ask) and make decisions, face the music, realize reality, etc. etc. etc. It's devastating. Not what I wanted my life to look like. Not how I anticipated the 40's rolling in. But here I am, nonetheless.
SO.... in true Ondrea fashion, I only have patience for myself and any situation for a limited amount of time. Call it compartmentalization. Call it numbing. Call it whatever you want, but I can't live my life for a long time in pain-land. I just don't have the capacity for it. I am not a victim, I'm a fighter. I allow myself a period to grieve and then I put a smile and some lipstick on and get on with it.
So that's where I am today. I'm getting on with it. This business of grieving is heavy and hard. It SUCKS!!!!! There's no guarantee out there. There's no promise of tomorrow. There's no promise I won't be alone for the rest of my life and die that way. But there's also no promise that I'll wake up tomorrow. I'm going to make the most of what I have while I have it. I'm going to focus on the four souls who need me the most. Three of them were crawling on top of me this morning like little puppies in a whelping box. It was pure joy and I just thought to myself, "if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life, but I'll NOT settle for less than what He has in store for me." So, that's me today. I know there are hard days to come. I know that it's not over by any stretch. I now that the next few weeks will be the hardest of my life in many ways as the sadness of my reality is square in my face. I know I will need every single one of you to comment and to pray for me so that I can feel your arms around me, even though you aren't here. I need all of you to prop me up, not only for me, but for my kiddos, so that I can keep a smile on for them. They seem to do better if I'm better. So, please, if you're a lurker, leave a comment. If your a dear friend, leave a comment. I've depended on you, my blog community, through so many times and here I am still needing you. And I promise, one of these days, I will read your blogs again and I will pray and laugh with you too! Right now, I'm just adrift in me! :(
I LOVE this verse, it feels like balm to my heart! Don't you just love Hosea? Is there ONE man like him in all the world?
Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:11-13
I know there are several reasons this is occurring: 1) the Holidays... I've always always always loved the holidays. When I was a little kid, my mom didn't really like the holidays and I never understood why we would leave our tree (artificial) decorated all year long with a sheet thrown over it in the attic. My mom or dad (can't remember... probably my mom) would drag it down out of the attic on December 23rd or 24th. It was pine with flocking and blue glass balls on it. Reminded me of Elvis growing up, the whole "Blue Christmas" thing. Anyway, that was my experience of Christmas as a kid. December 26th, Elvis would head back to the attic for another 363 days. Every Christmas night when the last package was opened, my dad would proclaim, "Well, there's another 365 days til Christmas." So, when I left home I went a little Christmas crazy. My mom's friends even threw me a Christmas shower where I registered for tons of decorations when I got engaged. It was so fun. Anyway, I always put my tree up a couple of days before Thanksgiving. This year was no different. I was determined that my holidays would not be depressing so I invited a few really close friends over to put out my decor and make sure that nothing was exactly like it has always been. We got the stuff done and had fun in the process and I felt really good about the kick-off to my season. But then, my kids left for Thanksgiving, I had the fight with my friend (not really a fight, it was more her telling me how disappointed she was in me and me just crying and apologizing, but that's another story for another time), I floated around on Thanksgiving day, and then Sunday through Wednesday I cried every moment I could. Thursday was a little better, but I still had my minutes. So, that's reason #1.
2) My birthday is this week. Ugh! I'm OLD!!!! My dad keeps telling me that I'm in the best decade of my life (40) because I'm old enough to realize what matters, but young enough to still have alot of life ahead. Doesn't feel like that... feels like I just have ALOT of life ahead (if it stays like this) or not much life left (if things get better.)
3) I am getting to the point in my process where I have to meet with attorneys and actually pull my head out of the sand (or my butt, depending on who you ask) and make decisions, face the music, realize reality, etc. etc. etc. It's devastating. Not what I wanted my life to look like. Not how I anticipated the 40's rolling in. But here I am, nonetheless.
SO.... in true Ondrea fashion, I only have patience for myself and any situation for a limited amount of time. Call it compartmentalization. Call it numbing. Call it whatever you want, but I can't live my life for a long time in pain-land. I just don't have the capacity for it. I am not a victim, I'm a fighter. I allow myself a period to grieve and then I put a smile and some lipstick on and get on with it.
So that's where I am today. I'm getting on with it. This business of grieving is heavy and hard. It SUCKS!!!!! There's no guarantee out there. There's no promise of tomorrow. There's no promise I won't be alone for the rest of my life and die that way. But there's also no promise that I'll wake up tomorrow. I'm going to make the most of what I have while I have it. I'm going to focus on the four souls who need me the most. Three of them were crawling on top of me this morning like little puppies in a whelping box. It was pure joy and I just thought to myself, "if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life, but I'll NOT settle for less than what He has in store for me." So, that's me today. I know there are hard days to come. I know that it's not over by any stretch. I now that the next few weeks will be the hardest of my life in many ways as the sadness of my reality is square in my face. I know I will need every single one of you to comment and to pray for me so that I can feel your arms around me, even though you aren't here. I need all of you to prop me up, not only for me, but for my kiddos, so that I can keep a smile on for them. They seem to do better if I'm better. So, please, if you're a lurker, leave a comment. If your a dear friend, leave a comment. I've depended on you, my blog community, through so many times and here I am still needing you. And I promise, one of these days, I will read your blogs again and I will pray and laugh with you too! Right now, I'm just adrift in me! :(
I LOVE this verse, it feels like balm to my heart! Don't you just love Hosea? Is there ONE man like him in all the world?
Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:11-13
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
How Beautiful People are Made
In counseling, I'm processing the difference between compassion and co-dependence. When people hurt me, I often see them as wounded, hurting people and I instinctively want to make it better for THEM. And I think there is a fairness in that, a goodness. However, how much of that is because I feel that my self-worth is tied up in them seeing me as worthy? I think alot! And that's how I end up in relationships where I accept less than what is best for me. I end up accepting things from friends and spouses that diminish my value because I don't, deep down, believe I'm worthy of being treated better. I somehow see that I "deserve" to be last on the list.
I think part of this is my religious background. I was sort of raised in a religious environment where I was taught to put myself last. My parents surely didn't put me last, it's not that. But it wasn't considered "Christian" to expect certain things for yourself. When someone hurt you, turn the other cheek. Repay evil with kindness. And you know what? I'm passing it on to my kids too. When someone is mean to them, I use that old expression that I learned in Sunday school, "Heap coals of kindness onto them." Why am I teaching my children that the meaner someone is to you, the nicer you should be to them? Isn't this pretty much what led me to be devalued in the first place, somewhat of a doormat for the past few years?
In fact, I think Jesus was trying to tell us the importance of loving OURSELVES FIRST when He said, "Love others as you love yourself." If we are to know how to love others, then JESUS tells us that we must know how to love ourselves. If I loved others the way I love myself, always putting them last and expecting them to take hurt upon hurt without regard for their own feelings, then I'd have no one in my life at all.
For now, I'm really trying to learn how to love myself the way I love others. I have to learn to protect myself the way I protect others. I have to see myself as the hurting little girl that I see in my friends when they are angry or cross the line with me. I have to learn these things and it's SO difficult and so painful and so lonely and so hard. But there's no shortcut to it. I want the blessing I know God has for me at the end of the road. I don't want to miss it because I took a shortcut through the pain, but oh, dear, the pain!
Matthew 22:38-39
38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[a]
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