Wait and See

Some days...

2012-01-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

Since the holidays, I've felt so much better about my life. It's weird, I've always heard about people being sad that they are alone during the holidays, but I always thought you could rationalize it and think your way through it. Of course, that's not the case in matters of the heart. But anyway, I woke up on January 3 and WOW, I felt so much better.

So, I move along at a normal pace of life, not feeling so desperate and down as I did a month ago. But then it hits me, out of the blue. Something as simple as having to haul the 5,000 pound bulk laundry box up to the laundry room can smack me in the face and just piss me off. But then I realize that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and.....

Goodbye to the year from the pit!

2011-12-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I actually never really like New Years. I think I've said it before, but it's worth repeating... I guess this is a dark side of my psyche, but I always think at the stroke of midnight, "What if?" What if this is the year your sister dies, what if this is the year you find out you have cancer, or what if this is the year your marriage ends? I rarely see New Years as an opportunity for a fresh start. A long time ago, a friend of mine questioned why people make New Years resolutions. He said, "If I find something in myself that needs to be changed, I change it today, not a specific date on the calendar." That was a profound thing for me to hear. I've lived by that ever since. I no longer say "I'll start running on Monday or I'll do the laundry more in the new year, etc. etc." If I think something needs to change, I just start changing it.

But THIS year, this year is quite different for me. I cannot WAIT to see 2011 go down in flames. If 2011 were a person at the party, I'd flip it a giant bird, shove it out the door and slam and lock the door with or without 2011 having it's coat! :) I can't wait for 2012. Although, I know that things can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be worse, I think SURELY God will do something amazing in my life in 2012. I feel that this will be a year of redemption. This will be a year He whispers to me that I am His and that He has great plans for me. If He doesn't, then they will write another book of the Bible. It will be right after the book of Job. It will be called, "Job II, the Modern Day Sequel." :) Just kidding God!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:10-12

Just sayin'

2011-12-26T16:08:00.000-08:00

This is the truth, as I now know it! You TOO could be one run away. Seriously, even if you're not a runner, just start. Start somewhere. You don't have to start with a 10k or even a 5k. You can start with 200 yards. I guarantee, the only run you'll ever regret is the one you don't do!

I survived a hell of alot more than that, actually, so......

I'm quiet mouse, still mouse now Lord. Come and fight for your girl!

Proof that Pinterest isn't a total waste of my time!

2011-12-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

Today I ran across this on Pinterest. See, if nothing else ever comes of my attempt at time passage, this was worth it! It's the top 30 things you should STOP doing to yourself. I wonder if I could tackle all of these in 2012? Nahhhh.... doubtful. Hope you enjoy!

My obsessions (a.k.a. ways to zone out!)

2011-12-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit obsessed with quotes right now. I pin them all over the internet onto Pinterest (my other obsession.)

Here are a few that spoke to me today.

So, this one is pretty funny... and I want to know why in the heck this season of my life seems to be taking soooooo long!

And it's getting LONGER.... better get busy Karma.

I think about this quote alot when I'm running. Sometimes it's the only way to get through it. I wish there was a way to run faster through seasons of life!

There are days....

2011-12-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

There are days when I hold it together very well. Days when I think to myself that I'm beautiful and that I won't be alone forever and that my husband was an idiot not to see what he had before him. There are days when I walk through my life thinking, this is okay, even if this is it. Even if this is all I ever get. After all, I have so much more than many people ever experience. To want more than this is just greed. I have enough experiences, enough enrichment, enough love, enough joy, enough enough enough for a lifetime already, and I'm only 42 years in. Those days, I believe that I am a child of the King. I believe that I am a Princess, made in His image, beloved of the Most High. Those days, I believe He cares, He sees me alone in so many circumstances that I DON'T WANT to face alone and He didn't make me the lonely type. Those days, I believe it will all work out for me. And that I will find happiness someday.

Then there are days when I just can't seem to pull it together. Painful days when the tears flow freely and my breathing is labored and I swear the Earth has run completely out of oxygen. That I'm alone and no one will ever share my life with me. That I'm undesirable. Satan wins the battles in my mind and I believe, in those dark days, that what I have to offer is not nearly enough for the cost. There are days when I feel that this will be my forever. That what I've known wasn't enough. That I can't bare the thought of living a lonely existence another minute, much less the rest of my life. On those days I see myself becoming the crazy dog lady who just has a house full of dogs, whose kids never come to visit because her house is too gross, and who no one really understands. That's when I know I'm losing it, but that's not the point here. :)

So, the point is, what do I know for sure? I know for SURE that at the core, I am still the girl who left the farm life with a wide eyed wonder. I know that I have had a spark that is still in there somewhere. There is a line in a song that I have always thought described me, "a torch of a girl with a hurricane in her soul." Yes, that's me. Always! I was always a torch passionate about whatever it was I was pursuing at the moment. I always had a spark, a spunk, and a little something devious in me. So, now, I just have this opportunity to remind myself of what I KNOW FOR SURE about myself. I know for sure that I am made in His image, and therefore, He must have a passionate side, a side that likes to be surrounded by friends, even sometimes the wrong friends. After all, Jesus loved a dinner party, he turned water into wine for his first miracle, for goodness sake, don't tell me He didn't know how to have a good time. I know that for me, being made in His image, does not look like being something He didn't create me to be, that going in the opposite direction of who I was made to be just doesn't work. It's not natural and the reason it feels all wrong is because that's not who HE intended me to be. If you read Eat, Pray, Love, there is a point in the book where she tries to take a vow of silence and the "universe" just isn't having it. All sorts of situations keep popping up that make it nearly impossible for her to be silent. And she finally realizes that "God didn't make her the quiet brunette in the back of the room. God made her the loud, talkative blonde out front." That didn't mean that she couldn't be a BETTER loud, talkative blonde, it just meant that it was dishonoring to God and herself to try to be the person He didn't ever intend for her to be. Sort of a "bloom where you're planted" mentality. So, I'm going to be the best extraverted, social, caring, compassionate, enthusiastic person I can be, and stop trying to figure out how I'm ever going to survive my current state of misery.

I don't have a verse to end with today. But instead, I have this quoted text message. I will share this with you, sacred as it is to me, because I think it honors the kind of strong women/friends that I'm surrounded by. And I think it's honoring and true to Emmanuel, God with us:

Me:
"... I'm so angry with God right now! Why is this season lasting so long? I know He could rescue me. I know He could stop it. Why must I continue to suffer?"
Friend:
"I hear you, what would rescue or Him stopping the suffering look like?"
Me:
"Just f'ing tell me the point already. Whatever lesson I need to learn, write it on the wall so I can move on. Why does everything that brings a little relief have to be taken from me?"
Friend:
"Here's my take. I think Emmanuel with us looks a lot less like teaching us lessons... I think instead he cries in your room at night for you as you sleep alone. I think He sees your heart as one that's been wronged, wounded, and treated terribly. And I don't get why he's not making this pass quicker. But I trust that in the in between, He is actually the truest friend you have. But is also the sturdiest. So slam the door in his face if you need to."

Oh, dear friend, YOU were Jesus with skin on for me that day. You, said it so perfectly.

Back Where I Come From

2011-12-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

Y'all have heard me talk about home before. About how I grew up with a Daddy who was larger than life to me, I loved Loretta Lynn, my Mama and Granma took a casserole, desert or pimento cheese to every Baptist who ever had a baby or any elderly shut-in that ever existed within a 15 mile radius. My grandparents had gardens, big ones, and canned and shucked and shelled every summer. No matter how far I've fallen, I was raised up right. No matter how far I've traveled from home (and Honolulu is a LONG way from Fulton), that country girl, raised in a small town, was in there all the time.

I think, for me anyway, when things go wrong in my life, I always think about returning to ground zero (not the one in NYC, but the my ground zero.) It's sort of like going back to the last place I knew everything was right. If life goes haywire for me, in my mind, the last time I KNEW what I wanted and where I was going was when I was home. Of course, when I was there, the place I knew I was going was "anywhere but here." But still, there's this nostalgia about home, my hometown, and the life there that isn't realistic, I'm sure, but that in my mind, is safety. In my mind, I know that if everything goes wrong in the world, if I lose the roof over my head and the food on my table, there's a safe place to land. And that's home.

In the end, I could say that my parents are a roaring success. If, at the mid-point in their lives, my kids could say that home is their safe place to land, that they know when ALL else fails them, no matter who's right or who's wrong, no matter their part in the mistakes or whether or not the whole mess is their fault, they know that they have a safe landing near me, then I'll be pleased with the job I've done as a mom. That's all I really want for my kids, in the end, if they take nothing else. And I hope that they take 1,000,000 other things too. I hope I prepare them for ANY path they choose in life, whether it be ditch digger or brain surgeon, I hope I give them confidence and humility both enough to embrace their lives and know that they are accepted, any way they are. That's what my parents gave me, above all else. I know that no matter what, I can go home. I could always go home. I would always have a roof over my head. I would always "figure it out" and "make it work" if I had to. And that is something I do not take for granted. I don't think everyone could say that in this world. I don't think everyone has that kind of safety net.

Believe me, I'm not saying that is anywhere close to optimal. My kids need to be raised here, or close to here, where they have their own support network. There are psychiatrists and experts to help Liam. There are "city" activities that interest Jack. There are all sorts of enrichment opportunities for the kids that aren't offered in my hometown. I would never uproot them again unless I had no choice at all. But in the end, when I find it hard to breathe because I am unsure about the future, I know the option is there and if nothing else, I'll have food and shelter and people who will welcome me.

Today as I was praying, I just felt a renewed sense of strength come over me. I have felt that everyone thought I was this strong person, but that in reality, I was so weak and I was broken and I really didn't know what in the world I was going to do to survive. I didn't see any happiness in my future. I didn't see anything around me that looked like the life I wanted. I didn't have any dreams or any hopes other than survival and my kids being okay. I know it seems ridiculous to think that my life is over at 42 and that my only hope was that I didn't screw my kids up too badly, but that's where I was (and am dangerously teetering on that edge throughout the day at times.) But just for today, I heard God say, "I've got this. I've got you! I'm big enough to take all this, child. Give Me your sorrow. Give Me your fear. Give Me your children. I've got this!" And I literally envisioned Him reaching His hands out and taking my worries and my fears from me. It was such an amazing feeling. Just to let it go. Just to open my hands and just offer it up and just for today, I haven't really worried at all. The fears and thoughts have not been overwhelming. The doubt has not shaded everything else. I have felt strong. I haven't had the catastrophic thinking that this was it, no one would ever love me again, I would never feel secure or known, that I would be lonely forever. P-lease! I'm so morose sometimes! I know that God knows every single thought, every desire, every yearning, every fear, and I know that He wants what's best for me. He has something for us to do, somewhere for us to go, and we can't get there with me holding on to these things that are not of Him. I found a quote on Pinterest that I think is so appropriate and I hope I can remember it moving forward:

So, I don't know if what I've been through really qualifies as a chapter. I think it's more like, you can't watch the sequel if you keep re-running the original. It's more like an installment of a saga than a chapter, but I digress. You get the point.

Romans 5:8

"I loved you at your darkest."

Super Glue, Nutella, Wine, and Light Bulbs

2011-12-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today was a difficult day, breathing wise. I get this feeling in my throat like my throat is actually numb. It's weird. I think my body is actually starting to rebel against the stress. I have aches and pains with no logical explanation except just that my life sorta sucks. So, I decided today that I will start to change my perspective. If you're familiar with the Enneagram (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE and am sort of addicted to), I'm a 7. Some call 7's "Enthusiasts", but Richard Rohr titles 7's "The Need to Avoid Pain". Yes, that describes me. 7s are known not to have a very high tolerance for unhappiness, we have a short attention span for the unpleasant. So, with that in mind, I just needed to really change my frame of reference. I have been stuck in this fearful mindset, trying to think through my entire life scenario every morning and make it better TODAY. Unrealistic, I know.

So, positives for today. These are a real stretch, but work with me here. First, Super Glue... Thank you, whoever created super-glue. At my house, alot of stuff gets broken... super glue has spared me many a tear. Tonight, however, I had a little "run in" with a tube of the super stuff. I'm now sporting a second skin of super glue.

Nutella and Wine... when you're not really expecting to impress anyone with your cooking skills, you can make scrambled eggs in the microwave and frozen waffles for the kids and just have a spoon of Nutella and a glass of wine for yourself. Keeps things simple. And almost no dishes.

Light bulbs... I'm so thankful that today, a light bulb went out in our mud room and I didn't have to get out the ladder to change it. WE have someone doing work around the house right now and he changed the light for me. It's the little things. :)

Mornings and other stuff

2011-12-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I always have the hardest time breathing in the morning. I am pretty good at night. Some people have told me that night is the hardest time for them, but not me. For some reason, things always look better in the night. Mornings, I have a hard time catching my breath. Mornings just seem overwhelming. I'm not really sure why. It's not like there are things going on here that I haven't been doing for 11 years already. It's not like my mornings are hard. They aren't. We have a really good routine. We run pretty well most mornings. It's not without it's chaos, but it's not too bad. I can logically ask myself why I'm fearful in the mornings, but I don't have any answers.

There are SO many things in your life that become entangled when you are with someone for 17 years. Not only stuff, but everything has to change. Computer passwords, addresses, traditions, routines, everything that you have just sort of taken for granted for a very long time, now require some thought and strategy to get through them. It's difficult to go through this sort of thing without stepping on some toes, but I am really trying to be as dignified and compassionate as possible. That's probably alot of my problem, I just feel TOO much, I worry too much about everyone else's feelings.

I can't believe how many people I know who are going through this right now. It seems like it's happening in a giant wave. I guess there are people suffering and hurting all the time but when you are in the midst of it, you seek others out in your same boat. That's what I did during the adoption process. Now I'm proving the old saying, "Misery loves company." :)

Strength

2011-12-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

Strength is a funny thing, I think. A mystery. Elusive even. People keep telling me I am strong. I don't feel strong. I have a few friends who are going through the same thing I am and at least one of them could run circles around me in her strength. Everyone's situation is different, but when I look at these other women, I feel weak.

I am reminded of the saying, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the face of it." Okay, so does that mean that because I am getting out of bed every day and moving forward through my life that I am strong and courageous? I don't know.

Strength Defined:

strength

The quality of being strong.
The intensity of a force or power; potency.
The strongest part of something.
A positive attribute.

Synonyms

I am not sure that I qualify as "strong". But, I do know that I can do what needs to be done. I do know that in almost every single scenario in my life, I have landed on my feet. I think that was one of the things that was most difficult to me about the failure of my marriage and why I hung on as long as I did, I have never really experienced things just going wrong no matter how much effort I put into it. SO.... the thing that keeps a lump in my throat is the loneliness of the situation. The lack of companionship and the lack of a partner in making decisions. But this too is making me stronger. I know that I can trust myself. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, it's just that I haven't had to make big decisions by myself in many years and therefore, I'm a little unsteady on my feet. But you know what, I am starting to feel a little stronger now. I'm praying my way out of the pit. I'm learning that in situations where I would normally have a spouse to talk through things and help me make the decisions, I can talk to God and ask Him for guidance. If I don't immediately feel an answer, I know that I should just sit on it. This is hard for me because I hate leaving things hanging and I don't like to mull over decisions for too long. But I'm learning.

So, what makes a person strong? Is it strong if you can survive a heart break? Is it strong if the ground is shaking and everything around you is smoking and unrecognizable, but you're still able to get out of bed? Because I think that might be what I am doing. I might be surviving and getting out of bed every day, I can't say that I'm doing much more than that, but I'm feeling my way through the darkness of the days and I do know, somewhere deep down inside me, that the thoughts of doubt I have are not real. I know that there will be happiness for me somewhere down the road, one way or the other. I don't know what that will look like, but whatever it looks like, I really trust that God will put me at peace with whatever that picture is. Of course, I have some ideas that I am suggesting to him, but that God of mine, He has a mind of His own! :)

Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God,strengthen me just once more..."
Judges 16:28

Time

2011-12-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about the adage "Time heals all wounds" and I was actually arguing in my head that I don't believe it. First of all, on April 4, 2010, I told myself, "I can't wait for April 4, 2011. Surely things will be so much better by then. We will have gone through our first of every single thing in the new light of our story." See, when my sister was killed, I found out that the first time you experience every milestone without that person, it's the hardest. You have the first birthday without them, the first holiday, the first first day of school, etc. etc. But once you've been through that pain, it doesn't go away, it's just that it's not as sharp anymore. So, I thought experiencing the first of everything in my new reality would surely make things so much better and after the year had passed, I'd be well on my way to accepting the new normal of my life.

Then April 4, 2011 rolled around. Honolulu, HI. Dinner out. I was so naive. Ridiculous really, when I think back on it. But very indicative of how I handled the entire situation. I thought if I could somehow commemorate the event, acknowledge it, try not to avoid it but just straight up admit that it was the day the earth shook and the sky went black for me, then I could somehow get control of it, take it in my hands and make it bend to my will. DUMB DUMB DUMB!!!!! The night was a total disaster. I walked halfway home, threw my favorite pair of heels at a homeless encampment (someone in Hono, HI is walking around in a really nice pair of Madden's now) and in general lost my mind. That day is a really bad day in my life history, that April 4.... I don't like that April 4. From that moment forward, I had this frantic urge to get the heck off the island. I felt like I was in jail, I felt trapped there. I felt so completely caged. I remember feeling like a tiger at the zoo, pacing back and forth in the cage, this primal urge to DO something and nothing to DO but pace. So, I did what I ALWAYS do, I ran. I ran and ran and ran. All over Honolulu and Waikiki, I just ran. I ran and BEGGED God to change things. I begged Him to make things better. I begged Him to change my story and not ask my kids to live the life of divorced parents. I begged and begged. I screamed on the black rocks under Diamond Head. I cried my eyes out, drowned out by the crashing waves, only God and the bright purple eel that lived there could possibly hear me, but my groans were spiritual, they were deep, they were primal, and they were painful. I have journal entry after journal entry, typed on the phone while sitting on those rocks. And the cries are not that different from the cries I have today.

Here's the difference though, in what I know today that I didn't know that day, or any of the days leading up to this week, but I know now. I have an enormous heart for the hurting and wounded of the world. Anytime I see someone behaving badly, being mean, or being sad, I only see an individual who is in deep pain. That's why when my friend got so mad at me last week, others were angry with her for her reaction to me, but all I could do was apologize over and over to her because I knew that there was alot of pain coming out in the wrong way. It's the same thing that happened in my marriage. I never told anyone what was going on because I felt sure I could handle the crushing blows on my own. Heap it on me, I can take it. I can handle your pain because I see that it's not personal to me, it's your pain and you aren't meaning to hurt me, you're hurting inside and I'm an accidental victim. My therapist pointed out this week that I am willing to take just about any amount of "abuse" (don't read that wrong, I was not an abused spouse) as long as it doesn't affect people I love. I rarely draw a line for myself that says, "I won't take more than x." I only stand up and put my foot down when people's pain starts to hurt innocent bystanders that I love and care about. While that might sound noble on the front end, I encourage you not to congratulate me on my huge heart or caring ways. Contrary, I've created a mess of a person, a weary soul, and a situation I've got to dig my way out of because I didn't feel WORTHY of having a standard for myself. I don't know why. It's not because I wasn't loved as a child, etc. etc. I was. I don't blame it on my raising, I don't know where the hell I learned this. But somewhere along the way, I started to believe that as long as someone would love me, I could or should take whatever else came along with that too. I just want to be loved so badly that I am willing to be treated in ways that I shouldn't.

So, therein lies the REAL difficulty for me in this whole marriage situation. First of all, I want my children to learn that there are limits to what they should accept from others in order to be loved. Yes, love can be unconditional, love can be tolerant, but the key is, if you are being asked to tolerate things that are not loving, then it's not love you're receiving. I want them to know that they are SO WORTHY of being loved unconditionally, not for what they do, not for how they look, how they perform, whether they get it right or wrong, but just by the mere fact that they ARE... they are children of God, they are precious, wanted individuals who deserve to be cherished, protected, and valued by me, their daddy, and everyone else in their life, regardless of any other thing in the world. Without doing a thing, they deserve that. How do I demonstrate that to them though, if I can't expect it for myself?

But then also, I wonder, will they ever understand what drove me to drastic measures? Will they ever forgive me for drawing a line for myself? Will they ever not blame me that I couldn't figure out how to put this thing back together? I know that this is painful for them, I know that there will be times for the rest of their lives when it will be painful, and then eventually just plain inconvenient. And I'm damned if I can figure out a way to avoid that for them. Which makes me feel selfish for not just sucking it up and figuring it out. But then I think of all the things that have occurred in the past year and a half and oh the ache for my own inner child... the ache for why I wouldn't/couldn't protect HER from some of these things... I should have shielded her the way I shielded everyone else. I'm trying. I'm learning what that looks like. I'm trying to keep my eyes forward focused when others question me and plant shameful thoughts. I'm trying to remember that I have to heal myself first if I am ever ever going to experience what it is I was wanting so desperately. And I'm SO hopeful that when I DO heal, and when I DO experience that, then my children will naturally flourish in the light of that. They are truly my only concern in this. Because if I come out of this alive, I've survived it. If I come out of this as happy personally as I've ever been, but my children wither, I will be a shell forever. If I come out of this alone and lonely, but my children thrive, then I will have lived well and I won't count the cost.

Matthew 28:20
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Exhale....

2011-12-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

What a week! I can't say that I've been this happy to burn a week of my life in a long long time. I thought there were bad weeks in my life from time to time, when I had something stressful coming up, when I was waiting waiting waiting in the adoption process... when I was planning a WEDDING! UGH! But I can't remember days on end where I would wake up unable to breathe prior to April 2010. Even when I first realized that my marriage was in jeopardy, I wasn't nearly as stressed as I have been in the past few weeks. I think all the uncertainty, all the reality, and all the responsibility has come crashing in on me and I can't keep my head in the sand anymore.

I know there are several reasons this is occurring: 1) the Holidays... I've always always always loved the holidays. When I was a little kid, my mom didn't really like the holidays and I never understood why we would leave our tree (artificial) decorated all year long with a sheet thrown over it in the attic. My mom or dad (can't remember... probably my mom) would drag it down out of the attic on December 23rd or 24th. It was pine with flocking and blue glass balls on it. Reminded me of Elvis growing up, the whole "Blue Christmas" thing. Anyway, that was my experience of Christmas as a kid. December 26th, Elvis would head back to the attic for another 363 days. Every Christmas night when the last package was opened, my dad would proclaim, "Well, there's another 365 days til Christmas." So, when I left home I went a little Christmas crazy. My mom's friends even threw me a Christmas shower where I registered for tons of decorations when I got engaged. It was so fun. Anyway, I always put my tree up a couple of days before Thanksgiving. This year was no different. I was determined that my holidays would not be depressing so I invited a few really close friends over to put out my decor and make sure that nothing was exactly like it has always been. We got the stuff done and had fun in the process and I felt really good about the kick-off to my season. But then, my kids left for Thanksgiving, I had the fight with my friend (not really a fight, it was more her telling me how disappointed she was in me and me just crying and apologizing, but that's another story for another time), I floated around on Thanksgiving day, and then Sunday through Wednesday I cried every moment I could. Thursday was a little better, but I still had my minutes. So, that's reason #1.

2) My birthday is this week. Ugh! I'm OLD!!!! My dad keeps telling me that I'm in the best decade of my life (40) because I'm old enough to realize what matters, but young enough to still have alot of life ahead. Doesn't feel like that... feels like I just have ALOT of life ahead (if it stays like this) or not much life left (if things get better.)

3) I am getting to the point in my process where I have to meet with attorneys and actually pull my head out of the sand (or my butt, depending on who you ask) and make decisions, face the music, realize reality, etc. etc. etc. It's devastating. Not what I wanted my life to look like. Not how I anticipated the 40's rolling in. But here I am, nonetheless.

SO.... in true Ondrea fashion, I only have patience for myself and any situation for a limited amount of time. Call it compartmentalization. Call it numbing. Call it whatever you want, but I can't live my life for a long time in pain-land. I just don't have the capacity for it. I am not a victim, I'm a fighter. I allow myself a period to grieve and then I put a smile and some lipstick on and get on with it.

So that's where I am today. I'm getting on with it. This business of grieving is heavy and hard. It SUCKS!!!!! There's no guarantee out there. There's no promise of tomorrow. There's no promise I won't be alone for the rest of my life and die that way. But there's also no promise that I'll wake up tomorrow. I'm going to make the most of what I have while I have it. I'm going to focus on the four souls who need me the most. Three of them were crawling on top of me this morning like little puppies in a whelping box. It was pure joy and I just thought to myself, "if God wants me to be alone, then He'll have to hear me whine about it for the rest of my life, but I'll NOT settle for less than what He has in store for me." So, that's me today. I know there are hard days to come. I know that it's not over by any stretch. I now that the next few weeks will be the hardest of my life in many ways as the sadness of my reality is square in my face. I know I will need every single one of you to comment and to pray for me so that I can feel your arms around me, even though you aren't here. I need all of you to prop me up, not only for me, but for my kiddos, so that I can keep a smile on for them. They seem to do better if I'm better. So, please, if you're a lurker, leave a comment. If your a dear friend, leave a comment. I've depended on you, my blog community, through so many times and here I am still needing you. And I promise, one of these days, I will read your blogs again and I will pray and laugh with you too! Right now, I'm just adrift in me! :(

I LOVE this verse, it feels like balm to my heart! Don't you just love Hosea? Is there ONE man like him in all the world?

Sow righteousness for yourselves, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers his righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:11-13

How Beautiful People are Made

2011-11-30T06:20:00.000-08:00

In counseling, I'm processing the difference between compassion and co-dependence. When people hurt me, I often see them as wounded, hurting people and I instinctively want to make it better for THEM. And I think there is a fairness in that, a goodness. However, how much of that is because I feel that my self-worth is tied up in them seeing me as worthy? I think alot! And that's how I end up in relationships where I accept less than what is best for me. I end up accepting things from friends and spouses that diminish my value because I don't, deep down, believe I'm worthy of being treated better. I somehow see that I "deserve" to be last on the list.

I think part of this is my religious background. I was sort of raised in a religious environment where I was taught to put myself last. My parents surely didn't put me last, it's not that. But it wasn't considered "Christian" to expect certain things for yourself. When someone hurt you, turn the other cheek. Repay evil with kindness. And you know what? I'm passing it on to my kids too. When someone is mean to them, I use that old expression that I learned in Sunday school, "Heap coals of kindness onto them." Why am I teaching my children that the meaner someone is to you, the nicer you should be to them? Isn't this pretty much what led me to be devalued in the first place, somewhat of a doormat for the past few years?

In fact, I think Jesus was trying to tell us the importance of loving OURSELVES FIRST when He said, "Love others as you love yourself." If we are to know how to love others, then JESUS tells us that we must know how to love ourselves. If I loved others the way I love myself, always putting them last and expecting them to take hurt upon hurt without regard for their own feelings, then I'd have no one in my life at all.

For now, I'm really trying to learn how to love myself the way I love others. I have to learn to protect myself the way I protect others. I have to see myself as the hurting little girl that I see in my friends when they are angry or cross the line with me. I have to learn these things and it's SO difficult and so painful and so lonely and so hard. But there's no shortcut to it. I want the blessing I know God has for me at the end of the road. I don't want to miss it because I took a shortcut through the pain, but oh, dear, the pain!

Matthew 22:38-39

³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[a]

It's a new day....

2011-11-29T05:09:00.000-08:00

It's hard to get up in the mornings. My alarm goes off and I want to pull the covers back over my head. But, today I have a few appointments and a reason to get dressed, so that's a very good thing. I'm trying to be intentional about how I fill my days, not over-booking, but certainly trying to keep busy.

When the rough patches hit, I confess that I want to lay down and just give up. I just want someone else to come and tell me what to do and where I'm going to land. I want someone else to have the conversations about the tough things. My heart is weary of all the pain. I don't know how people go through a divorce when it's truly just "I'm no longer happy." I could find a way to be happy if there weren't these huge transgressions. And even then I could probably figure it out to avoid all this if all this hadn't occurred on top of it all. I'm exhausted. Have I said that? Did I mention that I'm just freakin' TIRED!? I'm tired of the fight, tired of being intentional for my kiddos, tired of trying to prop them up every day when I'm barely standing myself, tired of worrying about where the money for unexpected things is going to come from, tired of worrying about how in the heck I'm going to take care of this huge yard and four kids and a 25 year old house all by myself without my parents close by. I'm weary of all things. I want to have some joy, some fun, some rest, some relief from the strain of it. I'm so tired of the guilt I feel over the legacy my children will now carry. I swear I'd do it differently if I could stomach it. My heart hurts at the thought of what my kids will endure for the rest of their lives. Oh how I ache for them. I can't stay for them, I've been told 100 times by counselors and psychiatrists that it is no more healthy for them to live in a home where there is discord than it is to live in a single parent home where there is peace. But so far, no one has peace. People tell me it will come. My friends remind me of what my August and September were like and they say it's better now. I guess it is. But it doesn't feel better. It feels the same. I do know that there was a brief reprieve. Maybe why this feels worse. There was a two or three week period of time where I thought things weren't too bad. But then that seems to have only made the contrast of how I feel now more acute.

Psalm 147:3-5
"³ He heals the brokenhearted
   and binds up their wounds.
⁴ He determines the number of the stars
   and calls them each by name.
⁵ Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
   his understanding has no limit."

Thank you, Lindsay, for reminding me of this verse. I LOVE the thought of him literally wrapping bindings around my wound. I think of the way I tenderly "doctor" my children's scrapes and cuts, how I make a big deal over the smallest of things and I rush to alleviate the pain of true hurts. I can imagine our Lord doing this for me, rushing to my side when I am alone and hurting, wrapping my heart in bindings and holding them tight until the pain has eased.

Just Breathe

2011-11-28T05:03:00.000-08:00

I think I've quoted this before, but there is a line in a Jars of Clay song. The song is called Work. The line says, "I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work." That is SO accurate for my life right now. I have ridden this wave of emotions since April of 2010. Days when I would wake up thinking that life was possibly resuming something that looked like normal. Thinking, "Okay, I can do this... not exactly what I thought I wanted, but okay God, we'll go with it." Then out of nowhere I slam hard into a space that has no oxygen, there's no normal in sight, there's only lonely and scared because how in the world am I going to do all this? How am I going to take care of this house and four kids all by myself? Really?! I look around and all I see is work work work and no one to help help help. So, I don't fear drowning. Drowning would probably actually be better. I'm drowning for sure. Actually going down would mean I could stop fighting the water and the waves and just let go. But I can't do that. Number one, I have my kids to fight for. I have to keep swimming (like Dory in Little Nemo, I've said to myself 1000 times and more, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....") Plus, I honestly and truly don't know HOW to stop swimming. I've been swimming all my life. I've been striving toward something that felt invisibly pulling me along, a feeling of unrest before, now a feeling of life or death, but still, that same feeling with new intensity that I have keep going. I just hate waking up in the morning wondering what I'm going to do for 14 hours until I can go back to bed and forget the world for a while. I dread the new day and what pain it might bring. I have always sort of hated New Years Eve because alot of people get excited for what a new year might hold, but since my sister was killed, I've thought of it as "what if this is the year your sister dies, or what if this is the year your husband leaves you, or what if this is the year it REALLY gets bad." I hate when people say, "It can't get any worse, because it can ALWAYS get worse."

So, I know it's nice and depressing to read my words on a Monday morning. I know that it's not the ridiculous antics people usually come here to hear about. There are still alot of funny things that happen in my day, but I see them through a painful fog right now. Last week, I was almost cheerful, I said to a friend, "This is the first time in a long time I haven't dreaded the new day, I think I'm coming through the other side." WHAM! Thanksgiving and reality and fear and I didn't see it coming. I truly got clotheslined by it and am sort of experiencing a shocked feeling of once again trying to get up off the floor. God, how many times must I pick myself up? Lord, how many times must I hit a low, think it's the bottom, only to realize there's further to fall? How much must you allow me to hurt before it's done? I look around and see that You have gently put people and words in my path to encourage me. You have been with me, I know You haven't left my side, and I have physically felt that God Himself has suffered with me all this time. I'm just calling out today that my praying friends would intervene for me, I need something encouraging, something hopeful, something new....

"The Lord hears his people when they call to Him, He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Anyone know what verse this is? I found the quote, but couldn't find the Scripture location.

Time, Obedience, and Trust

2011-11-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

Today's sermon was about prosperity. That God's intention is for us to prosper and ENJOY the gifts He has given us. It's sort of a foreign concept to me because my religious upbringing left me believing that God loved me, but that He was ready to thump me on the head anytime I did wrong, which in my life was alot because I'm a rebel at heart, natural challenger of authority, tell me I can't and I will die trying, etc. It took 41 years, but I think God has finally thumped it out of me! I'm broken of spirit. This week, Thanksgiving, put me over the edge. I think I came undone. It was lonely. I missed my kiddos, who were with their dad and my in-laws, who are my family too. I met them all for the first time 18 Thanksgiving's ago. It was so hard. The hardest week of my life. In the process of my grief, I also carelessly hurt a friend. So, here I sat today, in church, listening to how God wants to give me these great things and how He has planned things for my life that are beyond my imagination right now and I just want it to be true SO badly. I want to skip through all this difficulty, all this first holiday as a broken family. I want someone to wake me up when the pain is over and tell me I can start to look for more than one day at a time now. I want to take a breath without it hurting. I want to look forward to the day, and the night, and tomorrow without dread. I want the loneliness to end and the healing to begin. I am so tired of hurting and so tired of fighting for rest. I'm just tired. Scared and tired... mostly I'm just tired.

Here we go... you better sit down for this one!

2011-10-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

This blog has been everything from a little scrap book of my kids, to rambling thoughts on whatever crossed my feeble brain, to trials and tribulations of trying to live a life a world away from my beloved friends. But this one is most likely going to be a shocker for many of you, so if you're here because you followed or know me, you better have a seat.

I've had a very big secret in my life for quite a while. I shared it with only one other soul in the world for 14 months. Then I slowly began to share, only on an as needed basis, in June of this year. Now, most people who know me personally, in real life, know the story, in one form or the other. But the silence here, in blog world, has been a hard one for me. See, you are my friends too. You have been such an enormous source of support for me through many hard times in my life. So I am ending my silence because I need you all now.

My husband and I separated the day after we returned from Hawaii. That was June 4, 2011. It had been a very long time coming. Probably 20 months or so, to be exact. 14 months of that time, I was aware that it was possible, but I held on with all I had, hoping that I could affect the outcome of my life. Once again, I am learning that I have very little control over anything. A lesson God continually teaches me... "Let go and let God!" But June 4 is a day that I will never forget as long as I live, to date the hardest day I've lived through. That's saying alot because I've buried very beloved grandparents, a sister, and faced infertility. But this topped all my experiences in the pain department.

The particulars of why and what are really not important anymore. I thought they were when he first left. I thought people needed to know the details, or at least a broad reason why. I thought people would think less of me, like I was somehow a failure, if I didn't share some of how this came to be our reality. But what I have learned is that people DON'T need to know. That only really makes things worse. It only brings opinions and suggestions and none of that is really all that helpful.

I've learned SO much about being supportive during this process. God has groomed me into something different through all this pain. I realize I've made so many mistakes in the past, while thinking I was being supportive.

At this point, I've stopped living in blinding pain. The kind of pain where you are on auto-drive, no thought or reason goes into your actions, you're completely in survival mode. You know the kind, it's the one where you live in the fight or flight portion of your brain, every single even triggers a response that is not necessarily a strategic or well-executed one. I'm now finally, I believe, moving into real acceptance. How do I know this? I think I am able to handle things more rationally, I don't feel like I am grasping and grabbing at anything and everything that might stop the pain.

If you know me in real life, and you've offered support or help, you cannot imagine the gratitude I feel toward you for the late night calls, the offers to help with the kids, the little drop-in visits, the flowers, the meals, and everything else people have done for me. It's hard for me to accept help sometimes, I want to believe, and I especially want everyone else to believe, that I have it all together and I can handle it. But every kind gesture was felt and appreciated, even though I was usually too proud to ask for help. Thank you for guessing at what might be helpful and just doing something. I've learned, through this experience, not to ask people what you can do for them. Just do SOMETHING!

My main focus right now is to protect my children and make sure they have as little fall-out from all this as possible. Everyone knows there is no way to completely shield them from the affects, but Brian and I are both committed to making sure they don't carry the burden of this very difficult, very adult situation. That is the main reason I regret ever giving details to anyone, I would never want my kids to hear second-hand all the reasons behind this life we are living. They are my focus. They are my future for now, and they are absolutely without a doubt what has kept me from staying in bed every day. I can see that I would have spiraled dangerously out of control if I had been given that luxury. I have said many times that my children saved me, but now I know in a new and completely different way that they continue to save me. I got out of bed every morning for them. I put a smile on my face and didn't cry in front of them. I made sure there was food in the house for them, not because I cared at all about eating or smiling or even living. Because of them, and by the grace of God, I am back among the living now. The pain is there, but it is manageable. I can see through the fog, though the fog still exists. I have been given the gift of clarity. Clarity about some things I wish were still unclear. I know now, who my friends are, who can be trusted, who can be depended upon, and who will be there when the pieces fall and break. It's good to know. Though that, too can be painful in it's own way.

So, my virtual friends, I have now come completely out of the closet. This is out there for the world to see. You have graciously asked me to end my blog silence, but I am sure this is not the way you thought I would end it. Your prayers for peace and continued clarity are very much appreciated. The road is narrow and fraught with false prophets, discernment is difficult and critical.

All my love to all of you for your precious presence in my life.

Ending Radio Silence

2011-07-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

Whew! (That was a giant exhale for those of you who didn't hear it.)

We have been home for over a month now... I can NOT believe it. I feel like I've been in a blender. We landed on June 3 to a very sweet welcome party at the airport, lots of friends and neighbors stopping in to say hello and bring food, etc., and the boys have burned up the sidewalks and bike tires visiting long missed friends ever since. It seems hard to believe that we are back and school starts in less than a month and our tropical adventure is behind us.

I'm absolutely opposed to going anywhere for the rest of my life that does not involve my friends. However, as I knew would happen, I miss so many things about Hawaii. My friend Carla asked me if I felt like I totally fit here in now, and I had to answer no. I now have a longing for something that I didn't even know existed a year ago. This time last year I was packing for a month at the beach. And here I sit, how could I have imagined how much my life was about to be radically changed.

One thing that I miss the most about Hawaii is the voice of the Holy Spirit. I can't explain it, but the voice of the Spirit is almost impossible to hear here because there is so much "chatter" in my head about general life stuff. Even though I have intentionally kept our world small, I have not signed the boys up for even one organized sport, we haven't had a schedule or an obligation other than the absolute necessities, but there is this clamor to "do" here. Paint rooms in your house, buy new clothes, fix your hair, do do do do do do do do do do do......

While I was in Hono, HI, a friend of mine came to visit. She was staying on the North Shore with some folks who had moved to Tennessee from Hawaii and then moved back to Hawaii. Katie said that this woman told her husband, "I have to go back to the island. I have to be somewhere where they don't obsess about interior decor. And I cannot fix my hair and make-up one more day or I am going to go insane." She's right! When Katie told me that, I sort of laughed thinking it must have been the folks that this lady hung around. But it wasn't. Even in my very real, loving, laid-back circle, there's this urge to have one of the houses from the West Elm catalog (all 2500 square feet of it! :) T-shirts and shorts that I wore in Hawaii and felt perfectly adorable in now look really shabby. I was actually looking at my shorts in the mirror yesterday thinking, "Have these shorts always looked this bad or do they just look like this here in Tennessee?"

I loved living where your swimsuit counted as underwear because you needed to be ready for the water at any moment.

I promise I will try to stop whining about where I live. I realize that the whole time I was so far away I was pining for all the stuff that fills my life now. And I spent a great deal of time and energy looking forward to coming home. Brian is in Hawaii this week working though and it's absolutely killing me to Skype with him and see "my" pool, my yard with the palm trees, and my "fancy porch" in the background. Ugh! Why can't I just talk my friends and family into moving with me and then I can "have it all"! :)

Goodbyes

2011-06-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

I couldn't really say any of this until today. I still don't really WANT to say it... that we are leaving Hawaii. The last post I did was about going home and all the wonderful things about home. And I need to read that today to be reminded of why I am leaving this paradise on earth. Because I thought I would make a long list of the things I like about Hawaii, but it's too painful right now, I think. And some of it is escapes words anyway, it's just a feeling... an experience.

I spent a while last night, sitting outside in a chair, in Brian's lap, just looking at the trade winds in the palm trees, listening to the sounds of geckos chirping, which has become the soundtrack of our daily living. It's hard... leaving. And it's hard to explain to the people at home who are anxious (hopefully) for your return, but it's scary. We've been here in this sanctuary for a while now. We've grown accustomed to it's incubation, it's warmth, it's isolation, and it's lack of guilt and obligation. I feel pressed upon, a bit, now by the things that call me back. It's scary, this re-entry. It's scary to know (or at least to naively believe) that I have changed and wonder how I will fit into the space I occupied before.

And we are leaving friendships behind here too. Friendships that I hope were nurtured long enough to have strong roots. Certainly friendships that we will never forget and that will forever be a part of this blessed year. I remember the fear I felt when I got off the plane in Nashville after coming here last year to look for a house. How I wished I was getting off for good rather than just embarking. How could I have been so ridiculously rooted to the sameness? God has really been so kind in putting me here, He was so careful in the choice of location, He was so deliberate in the friends he put in our space, He was so gentle in His extraction! I am blessed.

I have a long day ahead. I woke up early with a cup of coffee on our lanai (the "fancy porch" as Amy called it) and watched the sun come up one last time over our palms and pool. And I read a poem by John O'Donahue that fits quite nicely into my space today. So I'll just let these words speak for me as I travel.... thanks, truly, for sticking it out with me this year. You were all familiarity in the unknown!

FOR THE TRAVELER

Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
INto a world you were never in.

New strangers on other paths await.
New places that have never seen you
will startle a little at your entry.
Old places that know you well
will pretend nothing changed since your last visit.

When you travel, you find yourself
Alone in a different way,
More attentive now
to the self you bring along,
Your more subtle eye
watching you abroad;
and how what meets you
touches that part of the heart
that lies low at home:

How you unexpectedly attune
to the timbre in some voice,
Opening a conversation
You want to take in
To where your longing
Has pressed hard enough Inward,
on some unsaid dark,
to create a crystal of insight

You could not have known
you needed
to illuminate
your way.

When you travel,
a new silence goes with you,
and if you listen,
you will hear what your hear would love to say.

A journey can become a sacred thing;
Make sure, before you go,
to take time to bless your going forth,
to free your heart of ballast
so that the compass of your soul
might direct you toward the territories of spirit
where you will discover more of your hidden life,
and the urgencies that deserve to claim you.

May you travel in an
awakened way,
Gathered wisely into your
inner ground;
That you may not waste the invitations
which wait along the way to transform you.

May you travel safely,
arrive refreshed,
and live your time away to its fullest;
return home more enriched,
and free
to balance the gift of days which call you.

From a book of blessings: To Bless the Space Between Us

Aloha!

Home!

2011-05-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Just the word alone evokes a VERY strong emotion in me. It's a "trigger" of mine.

We are counting down the days to our return to Tennessee. We wrote the names of things we are looking forward to on little strips of construction paper and every day we've torn one off. We have 15 links hanging on that chain. 15 names of things that are precious to us and awaiting our return. So, in the interest of looking forward, I was thinking of all the things I love about HOME!

1) Home is where I have great friends who love me all around. These are the amazing ladies that I call on when I need to laugh, run out without the kids for a minute, complain about something, cry about something, or just need some company for a glass of wine or an episode of Modern Family. And it's not just once in a while, we live life together.

2) Home is driving without GPS and making appointments without having to call someone for a recommendation.

3) Home is never knowing what weather will await me for the day!

4) Home is where my dog is! (Apparently, my dog has gained nearly 25 pounds while vacationing at the farm. He was already 10 pounds overweight. I wonder what Dr. Jim will have to say about that one! Can you say, "never free feed a retriever?")

5) Home means the 12 hour commute with the hula kitty will be a thing of the past (and I can stop worrying about it.)

6) Home is where my kids can run out the front door and have a choice of about 10 kids to play with any time of day.

7) Home is where I can smother my nieces with kisses and hear them cackle with laughter. And I can see my nephew and hear him talking (which he wasn't doing before I left.)

8) Home is where I know and am known.

9) Home is where there are friends whose homes I walk into and instantly relax, because I know there is a place where I don't stand alone.

10) Home is where I don't have to calculate time difference before I pick up the phone.

11) Home is where I love and am loved.

12) Home is where my family is!

13) Home is where my children are loved and nurtured by an entire community of people who share similar values and have a vested interest in making sure everyone is okay.

14) Home is where people know about the orphan crisis and they "get" my passion about it.

15) Home is where I can be late for something and someone calls me because they know me well enough to know that I've most likely forgotten about it altogether. (Kaye, you're back on duty!)

16) Home is where I want to spend a long time going around town to visit every single person I think of when I think of home.

17) Home is where I can show up unannounced on the doorsteps of a friend, pretty much any time of day, no need to wait for an invitation, and be welcomed in without alot of fanfare.

18) Home is where kids ride a bus to school.

19) Home is where everything around me is mine and not someone else's. And the things that surround me are largely things that have been in my family for years and years. Furniture and photos and everything else has meaning, a story, a sentiment, not just a function.

20) Home is where I can ship the kids off to the grands so my husband and I can get a weekend together.

21) Home is where I feel safe and embraced.

22) Home is where my heart is!

Having said all this, there are always going to be things I miss about our time in Hawaii. I had alot of trepidation about our return, knowing that I have changed and hoping that I will feel at home there in my different skin. I will miss a million things about Hawaii and maybe I'll list those too so I won't forget when life returns to normal. I've made some dear friends here too, who I know will be missed and not soon seen again. But the closer I get to that return, the more anxious I become. With each passing day, I'm more aware of the things my heart yearns for that I have lived without for long enough. As we close in on our return, I am becoming anxious and excited about getting home.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost

Easter Weekend

2011-04-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

We spent Easter Weekend in Kauai. It is SO gorgeous! I won't waste your time with words except to say that words won't suffice! These are straight out of my camera so some of the colors may be off a bit.

Our kids could have literally spent the entire weekend at the pool. They loved this large lagoon.

We took a boat ride on the Na Pali Coast. Amazing!

Liam

Meg

Jack

Connor

The dolphins ran along in front of the boat... so amazing!

Na Pali Coast

Me and Brian

Amy

Easter morning we stopped at a little Episcopal church. The minister told a story about hiking in East Tennessee. :) They were so sweet. They gave us all these crocheted leis. It was a sweet morning.

This photo was taken at the lighthouse

A bird sanctuary near the lighthouse... on the East side

Can you spot the monk seal hauled out to get some sun?

Here he is....

Week 15: Shoot and Edit Challenge: Easter

2011-04-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing says Easter like a little bunny in the kitchen!

Cookie, anyone?

I'm participating in this weekly challenge with Jill Samter and Ashley Sisk. in an effort to hone my skills a bit more in the photography arena. I haven't taken many portraits since I've been out here in Hawaii (lots more landscape) and I feel a bit rusty. I'm finding it pretty inspiring for getting me back in the saddle. Hope over there if you'd like to participate, it's been alot of fun and it's pretty simple steps to improving your photos.

Shoot And Edit Assignment: Week 14

2011-04-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, I am late to the game of this shoot and edit assignment stuff, but I decided to try to hone my photo editing skills by participating in this blog carnival over at

Check it out.

Here is my original photo. The theme was "Faith." This was a bit of a stretch for that category, but it's the closest I had. Also, I have been trying to work my way back through the lessons, so I am not nearly where I should be on this editing thing, but I'm only three weeks into the lessons, so bare with me. (Or is it bear with me?)

Original shot:

I edited the photo in Picnik. I love Picnik, though it does have it's limitations. I tried to follow Ashley's editing suggestions as well as I could without Photoshop. First I used the Neutral Picker to brighten the photo up a bit based on the white in the door frame. Then I used the crop and straighten tool to change the orientation just a tad (because that was this weeks lesson.) And then I bumped up the vibrance and added the words at the bottom. All in all, it was very simple but I think it made a huge difference in the photo. What do you think?

I think typically I would be supposed to add the original camera settings, etc. etc., but I don't know how to do that, so you'll just have to take my very unscientific word for it! :)

Perspective

2011-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't shared the entire story of our ups and downs here. Pretty much daily we have gone back and forth between being in love with this island and being painfully aware of what we were missing at home. Our life here is so special. It's something that I wish everyone could experience once with their family, a chance to be set aside and rest. A time to explore new places and spaces together, to develop new mutual interests. A time to create memories that are unique only to your own family. A chance to depend on one another in a way that you can't when you are surrounded by a network of people who love you.

All these things and so much more have made this time here an absolutely incredible experience. So, although we know in our hearts that it's the right thing to go home this summer, there is still some bitter to the sweet. I think we've all changed alot and it will be interesting to see how we weather the confines of security and comfort. It will be a new way of experiencing the old and I'm so looking forward to it.

But to ease the sting a little bit of constantly talking about "one last time before we go" and "I'll sure miss....", I cut up a bunch of paper and made a countdown chain. 70 rings to count the days until we get home. I gave each person in the family ten blank strips of paper and had them list the things they most miss or are most excited to re-experience when we get HOME! And all of a sudden, the days left seem like a countdown to something wonderful rather than an hourglass running out of time.

I will try to share a few things along the way that we pull off the chain (the one you can see says "Downtown Franklin". ) But I can tell you that the first thing on every single persons list was our dog, Vince. I will tell you this much, I will NEVER leave home again without our dog.

The other big excitement of the day was making Easter cookies with Meg. I don't have any photos of the cookies because they were eaten too quickly, but I do have a shot of the little bunny that helped decorate the cookies!

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:13-14

A quick photo update...

2011-04-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

We had lots of visitors in March.

Some had four legs...

But lots of them had 2!

And now they are all gone!

And now he has lost two front teeth, combine that with a sizable gap that God gave him at birth and there are practically no teeth in the front of the boys head.

And we discovered high heels.

And had more fun in the pool, everything old seems new again.

Remembered to see the sunsets and be thankful for them.

We even made a special event of the sunset last night. Even though the sky wasn't really right for the sunset viewing, we enjoyed Waikiki beach.

I think she belongs on the beach!

Doesn't she look at home here?

I love to see them playing together... and know that they will remember these days.

All smiles for her brothers... little stinker!

The big scratch between his eyes is thanks to brotherly love and rough play... he threw the book at him, literally.

Sorry, she is just more willing to pose than the rest of them. :)

Not sure what happened with either of their hair here.

Jack never came out of the water long enough to get a photo.

And I only had my portrait lens so I couldn't really get a close up.

Diamond Head... my favorite landmark in Hono.

Self-portraits are always the best.

Waikiki

What, it's time to go already?

The End!

When an Over-Caffeinated Mama Goes Caffeine-Free...

2011-04-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

All hell breaks loose... fo' real!

Seriously, I realized the comedy tonight as our nanny, The Amazing Amy, was talking to me about the Daniel Fast that I flippantly decided to start yesterday. I say flippantly because at church on Sunday, the pastor announced that the church does a Daniel fast every year, the 21 days prior to Easter. Being the extremely easy sell that I am, I decided to look into it. I read up on it on the internet and decided that it surely could not be THAT hard. It's meat free, no bread, and nothing but water to drink. But I wasn't really thinking about the fact that this would include coffee. But, I had committed to it (in my mind) and I was just going to go with it. So, I charged through my day yesterday and it wasn't too bad. I lost steam pretty early on, but still, it was doable. I woke up this morning and that's when the s&%* hit the fan. I've honestly been in a caffeine-less stupor for at least 48 hours. I had a headache all day, I laid on the couch half the afternoon unmotivated to do anything but sleep, and my house looks like the kids rooms exploded and landed in various places about the other rooms. As I was lamenting to Amy that I couldn't get it together to go have tacos with my hubby tonight and why did I think I could go cold turkey from coffee without a catastrophic outcome, her response was "I don't want to question your religious convictions, but you are the over-caffeinated mama." Well, duh! How could I forget how much I NEED caffeine. This addiction of mine is NOT just for fun anymore... there's a reason I developed a love relationship with coffee.... it's because I needed it... and still do, apparently.

In true double-minded fashion, I started to doubt my firm decision to stop the fast tomorrow. I mean, I'm probably through the worst of it, don't you think? I mean, it's supposed to be 21 days... how lame that I couldn't make it two? But the way I see it is that Daniel didn't have four young children when he decided to give up ~~everything that's good and right in the world~~, ~~the very things that get me through the day~~, seek the Lord through food deprivation. And Daniel wasn't living in Hawaii... well, never mind, that should actually make it easier to go meat-free. But anyway, I'm going to try to keep to the no meat, no bread thing, but the coffee, I think God will understand, I really really do. In fact, I talked it over with Him and He seemed fine with it! :)

"The secret to finding joy...

2011-03-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is." I love this quote from the book by Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts.

And this, in relation to a story that she is telling from the Bible. Actually, in adulthood, it's probably become my favorite story in the Bible. It's the story of Jacob. My mom and I have talked many times about this story over the past ten or so years. You see, I was raised in the Southern Baptist way of "never questioning God." But I don't know, truly, if that is even in the Bible? Does anyone know? Grace? Aunt Suzie? Mama? Angel? Can you tell me the Scripture where the Bible tells us not to question? Because in the story, Jacob actually wrestles with God. Some translations say it was an angel, but others say it was God himself. Either way, Jacob grabs hold of God and won't let go. At one point, God touches Jacob in the hip socket, breaks the sinew (the strongest part of him) and tells Jacob to let him go, but still Jacob refuses. Jacob is hurt, badly, and physically exhausted, painful, dirty. Still, he REFUSES to let go of this man. He does not know at the time that the man is God. It's dark, Jacob had laid down to rest before a day he dreaded (he was going to see Esau for the first time since he stole his birth-right.) And he finds himself mysteriously in a physical fight with an unknown man, a man who breaks his hip and demands Jacob let him go. But Jacob refuses! Imagine it, really!?!?! And he tells the man that he will not let go until the man gives Jacob his blessing. As the first rays of light begin to break through, Jacob realizes that he has actually been wrestling with God. He has wrestled with God all night, will walk with a limp for the rest of his life because of his tenacity, but he has received God's blessing... and a new name... and he meets his brother the next day and is able to see the face of God in his brother, even though the day before he was all full of dread for the meeting.

I love this story. Every time I hear it, I am renewed and relieved by it. I think I can most identify with Jacob, of all the people in the Bible. See, Jacob took things that he didn't deserve. Ran from his problems, and in the end, God blessed him and gave him a new name, all because of his unwillingness to let go before he saw God. I have wrestled a few things down with God in my adult life. True, God has been very kind to me, He could have snatched them from my hand, but instead, He gently gave, and generously so. But there were times, like 11 years ago when I had no children, and I literally clawed that blessing from the hand of God. There have been periods of time where I was holding on tightly to God, refusing to let go without the blessing I knew He wanted to give to me. This past year, in particular, has been a very different kind of year in our family. The emotions I have felt this year, with our move, all the questions, all the transitions, all the ups and downs of leaving home for a "foreign" land, have all taken their toll on me. I haven't blogged much since getting here because my emotions have been so raw and so tender that I couldn't seem to put it down on paper. There is so much tied into every decision, every day the emotions swing so wide that it's impossible for me to keep track minute to minute, much less share them with anyone else.

I have said that God gave us bite-sized morsels, hand fed this assignment to us in digestible increments. But there is a toll in temporary living too. The temporary mentality starts to wear on you after a while. It's a lonely feeling. Isolated! But still, I have been able to find real joy in the journey here. I have embraced the "time out" that God has put us in. The sidelines don't look like punishment anymore as much as a much needed time for our heart rates to return to normal after the fast pace we kept in TN. I know that when we return home, we will go back changed. There will be pieces of this place that we take with us forever. There will be days (probably mostly cold winter days) when we wish we were sitting on our lanai in tropical paradise, listening to the wind-chimes in the trade-winds. There will be days when we hear a Jack Johnson song or Bruno Mars and we are taken back to 2011 and we'll wish for the things we take for granted here.... 80 degrees and sunshine.... palm trees sway... ocean waves crashing... beaches in every direction... and nothing but flip-flops for years on end.

We still have no decision on going or staying. We are still debating, every day a new emotion, a difficult turn to make. There is the call of all that is familiar, comfortable, loyal, faithful, and the feeling of needing to "get on with real life." And then there's the selfish side of wanting to keep my children and my husband to myself just a little longer. Not wanting to give up the tropical breezes, my prayer spot where the waves crash over giant black rocks and only surfers and me know about the secret spot. Wanting to remember the days of no real schedules to keep and no long to-do lists. It's all merit, all virtue, all redemptive, but the uncertainty of it, that's the part where I have to hold on to God and refuse... REFUSE to let Him go until He gives me the blessing, one way or the other.

Genesis 32:38 "The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through."

Tsunami Lessons

2011-03-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

If anyone is really reading this, thank you! I don't know if my words matter any less because I neglect them and because I have left them untended for so long and so sporadically that hardly anyone reads, but I think, somehow, that comments (verification that there are readers of the words) is somehow validation of the words themselves.

Anyway, on to the lessons in this weeks Tsunami. Let me set the scene. Brian is out of town for a week. I am on day 5 of 7 days without our leader at the helm. It's tiring for me, the "leading" of the house. It doesn't feel natural to me. It's not my role. Probably some of you think this sounds weak or old-fashioned, but for me, I realize that I have talents, God has given me certain gifts (which arguably, could also be called curses, but that's another post), but decision making is certainly NOT one of those gifts. So, when Brian is gone, I'm thrust into this unnatural role for me, of being in control and having to make all the decisions. And I don't enjoy it. So, enter last week, day 5 of 7, and my parents arrive in Hawaii for their first visit since the move.

We see them at 8:30 PM. I haven't laid eyes on my Mama since early September of last year and I've never gone that long without seeing my Mama. At 9:00, I get a call from a friend saying that there has been an earthquake in Japan, a tsunami, and that we are under a warning. At 9:59, the first sirens go off. And the "watch" escalates to a "warning" and we are in the "inundation zone" and therefore under mandatory evacuation orders. 10:30 PM - Out to the street to check the pulse of the neighbors. There are a few people out. Some are leaving, animals and water in tow. Others are riding it out until the police come to force them out. What should I do? I have 8 people here (my four, me, Amy, and my parents.) I don't know where to go if I do leave. I can tell you the EXACT moment of a tornado warning that you should actually take cover (and it's usually about 10 minutes AFTER Lisa Van Patton tells you too. :) I can tell you that you should not rush out for bread and milk when the Snowbird report sounds like Snow-Armageddon is just one more turn of the moon. But tsunami warnings? I'm lost. And I'm alone to make the decision, what to do, where to go. And I don't know very many people.

11:30 PM - I finally decide that we really should just go to be on the safe side. But where? It's the middle of the night. In TN, there are at least 273 people I could call in the middle of the night and predict within 99.9% accuracy whether they would be awake and also whether they would be annoyed by my lack of planning. But here, I only know the phone numbers of three or four people and I have NO idea what any of them would think of me showing up on their doorsteps at midnight with 8 people in tow.

11:48 PM - I finally decide, "Screw it!" I'm driving up the hill to Meg's best friend's house. IF the lights are on, I'll knock. If they aren't, then I'll pack up my brood and sleep the night in the school parking lot (which is what my next door neighbor was doing.) ... the lights ARE on... I DO knock... Piula answers the door (that is her father's name) and it's obvious that he had been stretched out on the couch watching the coverage. "Can we come here and stay with you? I don't know where to go!" I tell him. "Sure, come in," he says. And his wife comes out and goes into action the way any good woman does when a friend is in crisis. She clears floor space, moves her daughter from her bed, makes pallets, and starts slicing apples, cheese and opening crackers. At midnight.

My parents take the guest room and presumably fall right to sleep. My kids are already asleep and we just arrange them on the floors and couches and then collapse in front of the TV.

12:45 - a knock at the door. Piula's uncle and three cousins are at the door. "Is there room at the inn?" So, we all shift around, I move kids from couches to bedroom floors, they gather more pillows and blankets, and Uncle settles into the recliner to watch with us. Our hosts go to bed (after all, we're up on the hill now, well out of the danger zone.) Amy falls asleep, but Uncle and I are both determined to be awake when this thing hits. It was predicted to hit at 2:59 AM.

I am so glad that I was here for it. So thankful that the wave did not cost lives. It was really a different experience to watch the live coverage of Diamond Head beach (somewhere we frequent) as the water left the beach and exposed the reef. And then... a small wave, splash, and nothing. We all breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed.

So, that was the actual timeline of the night. But what I learned was that love is an amazing thing. At about 2:00 AM, I started to receive the phone calls from home. As people were starting to wake up to the news, they started calling me. One friend called to "wake me up" because he knows I tend to sleep through the tornado warnings in TN, but he didn't know if I had heard since this was middle of the night for us. When I answered, he could hear the sirens wailing, and he had his answer. My mother-in-law. My dad! All calling to make sure we were safe.

But I would expect that after living in the same home for 12 years, same town for 20, and the same state for 41 years, I would have some people who loved and concerned for me. What was startling is that I was able to think of even one person I could turn to in the middle of the night in a place I've lived for 6 months. In TN, it's called Southern Hospitality. In Hawaii, it's called Aloha. And it's the same spirit.

My heart breaks for the people of Japan. My heart aches for what they are experiencing because we had warning, we made preparations, we lamented what to take and what to leave behind, but they had no warning. And the devastation continues for them with no end in sight. It seems so real to me after having experienced the threat. Looking at my house, realizing what wouldn't survive the water, if it came. It's sobering! I've never been in a natural disaster that required an evacuation.

But on a lighter note, most of you won't be surprised to know that I actually, briefly, considered just putting my kids to be in their life-jackets and getting into my own comfy bed! :) I decided that was a bad idea, obviously, but the fact that I even considered it (or came up with it) sort of makes me chuckle at myself. Which brings me back to the original point... it's a really GREAT thing that I'm not the one making the decisions most of the time. ha!

Whew! Almost too much to say...

2011-03-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

if that's even possible.

First of all, something funny. Liam had his Lion's club eye exam at school last week. As a reward for being good through the exam, they gave him a pair of "slippas" (flip flops.) Only in Hawaii! :)

We have a foster dog right now... well actually TEN foster dogs. She has nine puppies that are only three days old right now. I hope we can keep them to see them adopted. What an experience for the kids.

Brian leaves for "the mainland" tomorrow. I'm so sad. Really, it's hard to be so far from family, but it's really really hard to know that the leader of our home is unreachable for 14 hours and then, in the event of an emergency, he couldn't be here in less than 24 hours (at which point, the emergency would already be over anyway.) I don't like it and my stomach is in knots just dreading it.

My parents arrive on Friday! I can't wait to see them. I've never been six months without seeing my Mama! (Brian will be back on Saturday, so I'll have them to myself for a day.)

My parents leave the following Friday. But other TN friends arrive the Thursday before they leave. My closest friend just left on Tuesday. It's an insane month, to be sure!

Monsoon like rains here for the past few days. The rainstorms here are one thing I'm going to miss when we move back. I really love the massive storms here (because there is no lightening to speak of and no threat of tornado.)

Did I mention the puppies? OH SO SWEET!

My sweet friend, Shawn, who runs Snooty Giggles Dog Rescue, is featured in Nashville Lifestyles Magazine this month as one of the 100 best things about Nashville. How cool is that? She deserves it too. She's the real deal. If you're ever looking for a new family friend, look up Snooty Giggles on Petfinder. She's truly one of a kind in the rescue field. (Did I mention that I have 9 puppies at my house right now? Heaven!)

DO NOT take your kids to see Rango unless you like to have them hear animals tell other animals to "Go to hell!" "I'll send you to hell." And "Just sign the damned thing!" I mean, if you're down with your kids hearing animals cuss where profanity is not necessary to make the point, then by all means, be my guest. But I will not be seeing another Nickelodean movie without first checking the reviews from other sensible parents. Very disappointing! Otherwise, it was an okay movie, but I didn't like the religious symbolism they used. But my kids wouldn't have picked up on that part, so I could have excused that part if it hadn't been for the blatantly trying to expose children and desensitize them to profanity. Ugh!

Please pray for Charlie. Hope's brother! This family does NOT need another battle on their hands.

Pray for Brian and me as we try to decide where the Lord is leading us from here. Are we to commit to another year in Hawaii or come home at the end of the school year. Our hearts and minds are torn, just trying to hear God's will for our family.

My dear friend and neighbor, Angel, has a recurring brain tumor and is currently undergoing radiation. She has two young children and is a precious woman. Please lift her up if you would!

And lastly I have two friends who are facing some obstacles in their marriages. I think all of us married folks could really use a strong dose of God and Grace. Would you remember to pray with me for all of our marriages?

Here's a video of a song I just discovered.... hope you enjoy it as much as I am.

Running on....

2011-02-15T11:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like the term "run on" is my life-theme sometimes. Run-on sentences, activities strung together one after the other with little pause in between, etc. It's been nice to experience a big fat comma in my life while in Hawaii.... but I feel like we are taking that inhaled breath that you take just before you say something. Because we are sort of starting to prepare ourselves for our return to TN. I'm surprised at how sad I feel at the thought of what we'll leave. I love my life at home, I'm sure it will return to "normal", running on and on and on the minute we hit the ground, but there will be things that I will probably spend a second each day missing for the rest of my life. I'll miss being two blocks from the beach, there's no question about that. I'll miss a million other things too. Brian told me last night that I needed to be sure to walk out on the pool deck every night for the next couple of months because I still marvel at the site of moon shadows cast by a palm tree.

Yesterday, while I was running, I hit this song on my playlist and I just love the words to it and thought I would share them with you too. This is from Third Day, it's called, This is Who I Am:

I'm the son (daughter) of a good man

I'm the child of an angel

I'm the brother of a wild one (I always think of my own brother at that line.)

And I'm looking for direction

I'm the lover of a beauty (strong man)

I'm the father (mother) of blessings

I'm the singer of a lovesong

But is that all I'm good for?

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So take me and make me something so much more

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So change me and make me someone better than before

I'm a saint and sinner

I'm a lover and a fighter

I'm a true believer

With great desire (that word desire! my desire to please Him is so strong, but my actions are not always in line with my desire. I think that's why this song resonates with me... He won't leave me as He found me.)

I'm a preacher of grace

Profit of love, teacher of truth

I've fallen down so many times

But here I stand, in front of You

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So take me and make me something so much more

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So change me and make me someone better than before

So take me as I am

But please don't leave me that way

Cause I know You can

Make me better than I am today!

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So take me and make me something so much more

This is who I am, oh this is who I am

So change me and make me someone better than before

Hope you enjoyed it. I hope you had a wonderful Valentines Day, and I hope you find the strength to "run on" today! :)

Hebrews 12:1

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

Rest....

2011-02-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or does anyone else go along for great periods of time, heaping things onto their plates and then being surprised to wake up one day and feel no energy or zest for the tasks you've heaped onto yourself? I think "excitement" of moving and "adventure" of a new place have caught up to me and many things have piled on to my plate to bring me to a point where I am forced to just sit in solitude and contemplation with God (yet again.... seems I am constantly learning this lesson OVER and OVER.) You see, the decision to move here seemed pretty quick and straight-forward. Always up for an adventure, I hopped on the band wagon without all that much thought to what would lie beyond the initial excitement of a new culture, etc. In theory I knew we would all depend on one another more, all learn alot from new cultural experiences, all expand our boundaries and our comfort zones, and that growing pains are always just that... pains! So intellectually I embraced these things because I knew that on the other side of this adventure, we would all be different and right about the time I came here, different seemed to be a good option for many reasons.

Now, I am in the thick of the season. Not missing home as much as I once did because I've gotten over the restlessness of not filling my days with the "busy-ness" of life in TN. But in some ways, more scared than ever. You see, our stints here come in 90 day commitments. While this seemed a small enough bite (or is it bight?) to digest back in September, the uncertainty has started to wear on me. I miss my friends! Right now we are only signed here through April. But we were originally only signed through January. It could be April that we return home. If so, that means only 13 weeks left here and that seems like not much time to spend doing all the things we have come to love about life in Hawaii. But then again, there's a distinct possibility we will be extended through the end of June. If that is the case, then I don't feel the urge to start cramming things into life. And of course, there's always that looming thought, "What if they want us beyond June?" That bridge is just too far out there to contemplate, but I think if we do reach that point, I need bigger time chunks of commitment. It's very difficult to live life in three month segments. On the one hand, if I know I'm here longer, then I begin to put down roots and nourish new friendships and seek out community and establish different lifestyle, etc. etc. If we are leaving, then I start to disentangle myself from the few commitments I have already made. I'm sort of caught in this place where I have a foot in both worlds.

So, I've spent alot of time just seeking God's face on this one. I felt like Jacob several times where I THOUGHT that I was just in the dirt wrestling with the angel trying to not let him go until he gave me the answers. But... as is typical for me, I was sort of missing the point altogether. Listen to what Oswald Chambers had to say in today's devotional from My Utmost for His Highest. "Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer. What have I been hoping or trusting God would do? Is today “the third day” and He has still not done what I expected?....Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer." Duh! I've been looking hard for the answers, not for God Himself! How MANY times must I learn this lesson, Oh Lord, before you bash my feeble brain in with the message? Always the answer, Lord, always the answer, and never satisfied just to find You! Mr. Chambers goes on to say, "If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." (emphasis mine) So, I did not have enough of this by the time I finished with My Utmost... I need more. Then Jesus Calling for today reads: "Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life." And I realize that I'm not really weary of the things I have been walking through, I'm actually loving the permission God has given me here to live ONE DAY AT A TIME. I realize that the uncertainty of having no defined timeline has allowed me to free myself from long-term commitments to committees and responsibilities I would have at home. I've squandered much of this freedom, but just because I'm a slow learner doesn't mean I can't learn! :) Thanks, God, for not letting go of ME (not the other way around) and sticking with me until I GOT the blessing, not until you RELEASED it. As with so many relationships in my life (and probably those in everyone else's life too) my perspective is always clouded by my viewpoint (looking out from in) rather than trying to see that not all paths are necessarily visible to me, but it doesn't mean they aren't there. Jesus Calling finished up with this and I absolutely loved it, "This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of "the world, the flesh, and the devil." Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up!" Thank You, God, that sometimes when I am stubborn and dense, you are still willing to smack me in the head with the message, right there in black and white. Thanks for coming out for me today and not letting me sit here in the darkness.

‘If you do away with the yoke, the clenched fist, the

wicked word, if you give your bread to the hungry,

and relief to the oppressed, your light will rise in the

darkness, and your shadows become like noon’

(Isaiah 58:9-10)

Things I love...

2011-02-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to bother listing all the obvious things... of course I love my family! No self-respecting Southern girl would leave Jesus off the list. Let's just consider those all common denominators and givens. But here is a list of things that might or might not be unique to me....

1. I love to go barefoot. Thank you Autumn Petersen and TOMS shoes for creating a national day where I can do it for a cause. There are people in my hometown who still look surprised when they see me in shoes (that's how much I was barefoot as a child and teen.)

2. I love flip-flops! There are times when you can't be barefoot, and for those occasions, I love flip-flops. (That might be one of my favorite things about Hawaii, I have not had on a closed toed shoe in 6 months except to run.)

3. I LOVE my coffee in the morning. Love might not be a strong enough word for my relationship with my morning brew. I'm completely dependent.

4. I love to read! I have three books going right now and it is so great.
   a) Cane River - by Lalita Tademy. I am reading this book with an AMAZING bunch of women of very diverse backgrounds and we are discussing it via facebook because we are located across the globe, many states on that mainland, Kenya, Finland, and beyond.... and it's just exactly what I needed right now... virtual COMMUNITY! :) If you like a book to challenge and push you, this is a good one.

   b)The New Eve,

   c) So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore Wow, if you have a daughter, I encourage you to read this book. I mean, every woman needs to hear what's in this book, really, but I think for women with daughters, we pass on so many things from our past unknowingly and it becomes a heritage as women to walk through the world with this bag of insecurities. Anyway, I have wrestled with this book and I'm still only halfway through. It's painful at many points. Not because of what she says but because of what you have to face. But I don't want to carry that bag around anymore so I'm unloading it a chapter at a time... whew! (and now you know why I'm not blogging much... I'm too busy reading! :)

5. I love girlfriends. There's no substitute for good girlfriends. Really, a good husband is a great thing to have and so important in my life. But there is really nothing in the world that nourishes my soul the way my relationships with friends do. Women can just love one another in a different way than we can love members of the opposite sex. Some of my dearest friends are women I've met through adoptions, some of them I've never laid eyes on face to face. But the girls who will drop by with a glass of wine at just the right time, the one friend who loves coffee as much as me and we call one another if we're making an impromptu run to Starbucks... that's the type of thing women do for you that is just not conceivable to live without, don't you think?

6. I love drive thrus. I will just tell you now that I am spoiled rotten. I don't want to get out of the car for anything if I don't have to. I like to buckle my ~~brats~~ angels into their little seats and drive through every errand imaginable without having to drag their sweet little cherub faces out of the car. They don't have drive thrus in HI. Seriously! Not at the pharmacy... not the dry cleaners.... not Starbucks... only one I've found is McDonalds, and even then they aren't very convenient to get into.

7. Coke! If I can't have coffee, then give me a Coke. Give me a Coke product. Give me anything caffeinated and dark (but PLEASE do NOT make it a Pepsi. As I said to Amy regarding said Super Bowl commercial, "No self respecting Southerner would have a Pepsi.") My dad thinks I'm crazy, but if I go to a restaurant that has Pepsi products, I'll just drink water. And after that commercial tonight on the Super Bowl, I'll not be drinking any Pepsi products for life. Really? I might have to make a "hate" list if I see this too many more times. (but that wouldn't be very Valentine'ish of me, would it?)

8. My husband... because he bought me a ticket to go home next weekend. I know I'm going to be heckled for saying this, but I really can't wait to put on a scarf and my favorite boots. I've been wearing the same shorts for six months and I will enjoy some cold weather for a few days. (It's easier to enjoy it when you know you're coming back to 78 and sunny in about six days... ) I cannot wait to get home. I have been so touched that all my friends have asked to spend time with me and I just can't wait to hug them all around the neck.

9. Shave Ice... I'm really going to miss that when I get to TN. I might have to buy a Shave Ice machine! :)

10. Dogs! Love me some dogs. Love most everything about them, but particularly the way they love me back. I can't really imagine life without one for long. When you smell and no one else likes you very much and you haven't brushed your teeth or your hair, when you've burned the dinner and yelled at the kids and lost your temper one too many times, your dog will still curl up with you and give you a big fat kiss... especially if you are lucky enough to own a Golden Retriever! :) Can't wait to get home and spend some time with Scout (Sonja's dog), Rocky (Sandra's dog), and every one of Shawn's ten or twelve dogs. :)

Open letter to the departures gate at HNL International Airport

2011-01-26T23:08:00.000-08:00

~~Dear~~ Departures Gate:

I want you to know that I did not set out to develop this aversion to you. I believe that I began visiting you with an open mind. However, over the past several weeks, I have learned that you are not an entity to be taken lightly. I have brought you the most beloved people in my life and time and again you have swallowed them whole, none of whom I have seen again, I might add. I have complained multiple times about this issue, but still I have no resolution. Just today, for example, it happened again. I brought you my own Daddy and he too disappeared through your corridors. I have yet to know what's become of him.

Furthermore, I might note that your brother, the arrivals gate, does a fantastic job. I have never once had an issue with him. He has delivered exactly what was promised, on time, every single month. I am confused how two entities working so closely together, even looking so similar to one another, can have such paradoxical ethics. You might try taking a lesson or two from him, if you hope to improve your reputation.

I want to go on record as having stated that I am filing a formal complaint against you. I've had it with your heartless attitude and careless disregard for my feelings. Consider yourself duly warned!

Sincerely,

Sasha!

Why is it so hard?

2011-01-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

Why is being a follower sometimes so hard, and at the same time, so beautiful? I KNOW God has brought us here to Hawaii for a reason, a season, and a blessing. But, whenever someone visits, it's SO hard to see them go.

My brother, sister-in-law, and sweet, yummy, precious little niece came to visit us last week. They left the frozen tundra of TN for the balmy weather of Hawaii, and I couldn't stop staring at my little niece. You wouldn't have either... she's a doll baby. That's Tennessee-speak for precious! :)

See what I mean?

Look at those EYES! I know the photo is over-exposed, but I think it might be my favorite of the week because of her EYES!

My brother is just so awesome. I've told you all so many times how amazing he is, how proud I am of him, and how much I love him, but really, every time I spend time with him, I'm reminded of how much better he is than me in so many ways and how much I want to grow up to be more like him. Most of all I respect him. He's fun and funny and energetic. My kids love him to pieces and he never seems to lose patience or energy for their shenanigans. We're still laughing at some of his stories.

My sister-in-law is so easy to get along with too. She's just one of those people you can have around you all the time and she never starts to wear on you or you never feel like it's any work to love her. I wish I could be more like that. Believe me, I'm sure there are alot of people that are glad to see me go at the end of a visit. But they are so purposeful, thoughtful, amazing... I'm blessed. BUT.... it's SO HARD to see them go. They were just such a real reminder, yet again, of how amazing my life and relationships are at home. So I came home from the airport yesterday and had myself a little pitty party by the pool.

But I woke up this morning and remembered that I am here for a season and a reason. I tend to romanticize home when I get homesick and I know if I were there, the busy-ness of life would overcome me and I wouldn't have time to appreciate all the things I long for. Plus I wouldn't get to lick my wounds by the pool, I'd be licking them by the heat vents. :) And I'm learning to sit in my restlessness and let God mold me through it rather than trying to soothe it myself with some activity or "project." I'm also learning with a new clarity just how BAD I am at resting!

And besides, it really feels a bit ridiculous and selfish to long for ANYTHING when I have this in my back yard....

We heard the surf report yesterday that there would be 25-40 (that's FORTY) foot faces on the North Shore, so after church, we loaded up two cars and went to see for ourselves.

You really can't tell from the photos, they don't do it justice, but I've never seen anything this big in my life.

They were as tall as our house....

I don't have good shots of the surfers because they were like little dots on the wave, you can barely see them.

There were crowds of people, but most of them were behind us because the beach was roped off due to dangerous conditions. We weren't allowed to get close to the shoreline. In fact, the lifeguards were patrolling on their 4 wheelers keeping everyone behind a certain point. That girl in the photo above was about to get yelled at over the loud-speaker!

Our family is thriving here. I love so many things about the island. And I am not going to lose sight of what I love here and the fact that this is a very short period of time, in the grand scheme of things. I'm not going to allow myself to dwell on what I'm missing. I do long for the companionship and familiarity of home, but you know what, home is still there. My friends still love me and they are still there. They will still be there when I get back too. And we won't have lost our love for one another or our companionship and familiarity. I KNOW that God is working in my family while I am here. I KNOW that God is moving in my husband as I see him growing and changing through his job and the church we are attending here. I see him becoming a more thoughtful follower. It's amazing to me that God can do this for someone in a place like Hawaii, where it seems we are practically the only Christians in the neighborhood. My brother told me that Hawaii is actually the most un-churched state in the US. Seems odd that God would bring us somewhere like this to speak to us in a way, but then again, it seems hard to ignore Him with all His work around us all the time. He is in every single element of this island from the lovely people to the amazing scenery, awe-inspiring ocean, majestic mountains, and warm air.

And don't get me wrong, it's not like we aren't having fun. In fact, the friends we have made here are fun, we've laughed so much, eaten TOO much, and just plain old relaxed ALOT. We've done more as a family than we ever did in TN. We spend our weekends together, doing activities together, not just attending one persons sporting event or activity, but all participating together. I don't want to allow one day of this experience to be robbed from me. I want to treat it like the blessing it is and the growth opportunity that I think God intended it to be. And I just want to appreciate it!

I am sure this post has been boring for you, if you are even still reading. But I mostly wrote it so that I can be reminded, when I start to think I need to go home, that there are so many reasons that being here is a good thing and that God's got this. He holds the experience in His hands for all of us. Me, you, all our friends at home; He can and will make something more amazing than we can dream IF I can step out of myself and just get out of my own way.

Anyway, my dad will be here tomorrow, so there's no time for lamenting too long. I have lots of stuff planned to do with him, including a trip to the big island, Maui, and Pearl Harbor. I really can't wait to see my Daddy.

Friends, Isolation, and a Time-Out

2011-01-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

I really have felt lately that I am starting to "get" why God brought us here to Hawaii. When we first arrived, I was so restless. I couldn't enjoy the slower pace because all I could think of was what I was missing, what I "should" or would be doing if I was back home. I missed fostering the dogs! I missed my family and the occasional visits! I missed my friends! I MISSED my dog! I missed my sweet neighbor most of all. I was just biding my time until God would let us go home. In fact, I even asked Him a few times just to hurry up and get the point across to me, let me have the lesson so I could leave and return to my full and busy life.

But God wasn't sending me a plane ticket in the mail and He wasn't in any great hurry to reveal His motives to me either. As usual, His timing, not mine.... dangit! So I sat, friends and family came and went, more friends and family booked tickets, and each time someone left I wished I was going with them and worried how long it would be before I saw them again. But now, I'm starting to be okay with the waiting. I'm "settling down" as I would say to my kids and not so anxious or impatient for God to "let me go" home again. I'm starting to understand that He has me here, in this time-out, for a reason. And the slowed pace may very well actually BE the reason. I am finding that it's much easier to find time to spend with God on my own here. I first started out frantically trying to find a Bible study because I knew I needed someone to keep me honest about the time I spent with God. But now, I'm finding that I'm doing okay for now, just seeking Him each day on my own. Meandering around through the Bible is okay for now. I have never been one who could really sit down and read the Bible without a "purpose", a lesson plan, or a search for specific Scripture in relation to a circumstance. Now, I'm finding that it's okay for me to just wander through God's Word, sometimes recalling familiar stories and verses I have heard 1,000 times, other times, finding new stories or new details to stories that I hadn't given notice before. (Maybe it's because they sound totally different now that I'm not reading them in the King James. As far as I know, the only Bible I owned was King James until I was 25.)

Today, Meg had a play date with a friend from school. My two favorite little girls from her class were including her in a play-date and I was so happy that she was finally getting some friends to play with. When I got to the home, it was so inviting, the little girl's mother had made blueberry muffins and coffee, the smell was wonderful, the home was so inviting and cozy. And the two other moms and I sat around the kitchen table talking for two hours to the sound of our girls giggling and singing. It was a little slice of heaven. Finally, I had some "comforts" of being in a familiar setting. We chatted and talked and they were asking about our transition, and the word, "isolated", came out of my mouth regarding our move. And that's the first time I think I had put a name to what I felt. I wasn't so much lonely, though there were moments, I wasn't so much homesick, though I certainly have been at times, I was just restless and something else.... and today I realized what it was. I have felt isolated. I've felt so disconnected from friends. I have no real opportunities to go home. I mean, besides the fact that it costs around $1000 to get home, I could stomach that if I really needed to; but it's a very difficult trip. It's a long way to go for a few days, and I can't see leaving the kids longer than that. So I've just gotten no peace at all about planning a trip back. And I think it's been the right decision. God is slowly but surely revealing to me that the peace of being still is exactly what He wanted for me right now.

I tend to think that when God corners me and demands my attention, He is trying to move me in a new direction, tell me something He wants from me, or generally rock my world. But this time, I don't really know if that's what it's about. I don't think God always has to have my attention to tell me to GO somewhere, maybe what He's trying to tell me is that He just wants my attention, without motive or ultimatum, He just wants me to listen... it's never been my strong suit (just ask my husband and friends) but I'm really trying to learn.

But I'm still getting pierced! :)

The shortest lived piercing in history.....

2011-01-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

Meg got her ears pierced today. I have nothing to prove that this happened except a $30 pair of white gold CZ earrings. It was totally spur of the moment (I know that surprises every single one of you) as we were at the mall, we saw another little girl sitting in the chair at Claire's getting her ears done and we just said "go for it." She was so brave. She didn't even wince when they stuck the earring in. The only comment she made was, "Woo, that hurt!" Then she told Brian, "Just a little pinch." But later in the afternoon, the wound started to ache, as any wound is want to do (even the self-inflicted ones.) And she decided that the cost of beauty was just too high. How could I force her to live out the pain of her decision. I saw a painful reflection of some of my own decisions in this little small example my daughter was showing me. So I helped her remove the earrings. I gave her some ibuprofen and I kissed her ears and told her if she changed her mind later, we'd go again. And you know what, it was worth the $35 just to see how proud she was of herself. She called every little friend she has and both her grandmothers to tell them how big she was and it was worth every dime. She even Skyped with my mom and got to show off her short-lived bling. But in the end, the earrings came out, the holes are already closed up, and I am wearing the earrings myself.

But I sort of developed this fascination with piercing from watching how wonderful my daughter felt from her new-found beauty. I'm thinking there will be another piercing in my future, but I'm not going to tell you where I am putting it until after it's done (mostly because I know my mother is terrified even as she is reading this and I will get a call or e-mail in the next five minutes with her opinion about whether or not I should do this.) In the end, Ondrea would probably never get another piercing. But you know what, Ondrea would not have let her four year old daughter get her ears pierced either. But guess what... Sasha WOULD! And Sasha is thinking that by Monday or Tuesday, you can look for a photo of my new bling. We'll see... maybe I'll change my mind when the high of my daughter's right of passage wears off. You'll just have to come back and see! :)

Where did it go?

2011-01-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen the month of December? Cause last time I looked at the calendar it was December 17th. And today the kids went back to school and it's all over. How in the heck did that happen?

I do have proof that I lived some fun moments for the past three weeks... but... but.... where did it go????

Our dear friends arrived from TN on 12/17. Meg was SO happy to finally have one of her friends here that we didn't actually see her until after they left. :)

They were really happy to see the sunshine since they left snow and freezing temps to get here.

Meg was over the moon!

North Shore hat purchases....

North Shore chill fest....

Heading out for a night of karaoke. Hil-air-e-ous!

The kids gaping at Bob (the tree)

Of course there was surfing.... (that is NOT me, by the way. It's my friend from TN... she's a natural!)

and more surfing....

stunt surfing.... (that's Jack!)

and double surfing.... did I mention that our friends are actually the parents of one of Jack's best friends too!

It did rain a few days while they were here... but we didn't let it stop the fun.

Is this the cutest hat you've ever seen? Or maybe it's just the face that makes the hat cute. Yes, I think that's what it is!

The caves at Here to Eternity Beach

Our prom picture. I think the them was "Almost Heaven" haha

By the end of the week, we were all exhausted, a few pounds heavier, and sad to see them go!

We saw the Hawaiian version of Santa

The Who's down in Who-ville came out on Christmas morning.

The goodies were out of control after Santa left his stash.

Four days after our friends left, Lani came for a stay....

She's sweet and gorgeous and I can't wait for her to go so I don't have to walk her. :(

Then we had a New Year's Eve party... and things got a little out of hand.

Yes, those are actually pop-its on the floor... we (the adults) had a bit of a war with the kids Pop-its.

Guess who wasn't laughing when she had to clean it up! :(

See, I really did have fun and we did ALOT, but I swear it only lasted about 3 days!

Look Kristine.... it's really a chicken!

2010-12-12T23:27:00.000-08:00

See!

It's actually a chicken... crossing the road... at the Maui airport. When you see this, you know that you are in the country! :)

I surprised Brian with a trip to Maui for his 40th birthday. I picked him up from work on Friday afternoon with his bag packed. He thought maybe we were staying at a hotel for the night, but when I told him we were leaving the island he got really excited. He was happy to be going to Maui, an island he hadn't been to yet.

Then when he saw the car I rented for us, he was really stoked.

I love this photo of us. I love that you can see Lanai (another island) in the background.

I LOVE this. This is a pineapple stand on the side of the road. There were alot of them. And they all had these little jars that said "Money Jar" (red arrow) with no one anywhere around to make sure you are honest. I love the honor system. Restores my faith in people.

We drove on this road.... notice that only one car can actually fit on this road... and there are actually 617 curves and 56 one lane bridge. (that's from the brochure, I'm not making it up.)

Yikes, I can't see what's around that corner... or over that hill... aaaaggggghhhhhh!

That's the Road to Hana. Alot of people opt out when they see the road conditions. But it's definitely WORTH the drive for the views!

1 of 56....

White knuckles....

I think there should definitely be a hammock right there, what do you think?

Sunset... warm and breezy where we were sitting, but you can see the rain on the horizon. It was a great last night to a wonderful sweet weekend.

Now for other things going on around here:

Here is the tree I told you about last week. This is "Bob" as seen over Jack's bedroom (from my bedroom door.)

This is "Bob" from my front yard.

Getting closer....

This is Bob, standing in my neighbors yard, across the street from Bob.

This is Amy giving you a little perspective on just how tiny she looks standing next to Bob.

Jack had his Christmas chorale performance this week at school. Please note that everyone is in shorts and barefoot. This is MY kind of Christmas performance. Being barefoot makes just about everything better, don't you think?

We made Gingerbread cookies... fun memory!

This is a bit backward in terms of timeline, but this was taken on Brian's actual birthday. We went deep sea fishing. Here we are starting out the day, so hopeful about a huge catch and some whale sightings.

Lines are set and we are ready to reel.

Brian caught the first "catch" of the day... a barracuda. :)

There was ONE more catch the entire day. There are many stories from the day, and maybe soon I'll figure out how to post the video of the incredibly rough seas we experienced. I thought it was 8 foot, but was informed that while I was asleep, it was determined that it was actually 10-12 foot seas. People, that is twice as tall as me to twice as tall as Brian. I don't know much about rough water, but I know that was a wild ride.

At the end of the day we caught one Mahi Mahi and one barracuda. Brian sort of blames it on me because I brought a bottle of Banana Boat sunscreen with me (which he eventually threw overboard.) See, Hawaiian seamen believe that bananas are bad luck. So, even though I don't believe whatsoever in superstition, I will say it seems unusual that we had so little activity that day. Maybe the ocean was just too rough for the fish too???? Yep, I'm choosing to believe it was the water, not the sunscreen. haha

I will say that when we landed on Oahu this afternoon, I really felt like I was home. It was an odd feeling. It's the first time I've left the island since we arrived, so it was a very odd sensation. I thought of my friend Kim in Hong Kong. I remember a post she did about coming back to Hong Kong after a visit elsewhere. It was a definitely multi-faceted sensation. Maybe I'll share more when I've had time to chew on those feelings for a while.

Island Life

2010-12-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

There are alot of things I love about Island Life. There are alot of things that frustrate me about life on an island too. Here's a list:

Love- the weather. Pretty much any day of the year (so far anyway) you can do whatever you want to do outside and count on there being some sunshine to do it under.

Hate - the fruit flies. I don't understand why there are always fruit flies in my kitchen. I try very hard to make sure there is nothing in the sink that would attract them, try to make sure the disposal has been run with plenty of extra hot water to wash away any residue of fruit or food, but still there is a swarm around my sink no matter what. I have put out several "fruit fly traps" that always work at home (a covered glass of red wine), but no luck.

Love - the lifestyle, everyone is so laid back, it's how I imagine life was years ago on the mainland, where kids can bike two or three blocks from home without anyone worrying too much about it, where you can show up in shorts and "slippas" (flip-flops) just about anywhere you want to go, and where just about every day should or at least could involve some amount of sand and salt-water.

Hate - that I am so far away from my friends and I have no real options to just visit on a whim. A visit home is a major undertaking and not something that could be easily accomplished.

Love - that we are still sitting outside at night and the weather is perfect with a light jacket. The best temps of the year in Franklin and that is what we have every day here. It's great. The winds are blowing now for the past few days and I LOVE sleeping to the constant roar of the Kona winds blowing through my window. It's amazing and natural and I will really miss all the fresh, open air when I get home. I think this is the key to why we haven't had colds, sore throats, or an illness of any time since we've been here. There is just so much fresh air that germs don't thrive.

Hate - that I am missing the first snowfall of the season today in TN.

Love - that there is an aircraft in the sky 24x7x365. At night, when the winds aren't blowing, you can hear the constant faint rumble of planes and helicopters. Between military patrols and commercial airlines, there is always a blinking red light in the sky.

Hate - that we missed the stick-horse parade at Moore this week. Connor will be the only Harrison who does not have photos of himself at a stick-horse parade. It's a MES tradition. But I....

LOVE - that his Kindergarten teacher from home (who only taught him for 2 weeks mind you) made a horse for him because she didn't want him to be the only Harrison who didn't have one. You don't find that level of devotion from teachers in most schools, I don't believe.

Hate - That we weren't home for Brian's 40th birthday yesterday, I had planned a big surprise party for him that involved a limo and lots of friends and pubs. :( It's times like that, when you KNOW what the day would have been like, that it's most difficult for me to be away.

Love - the tree down the street from my house. I love that we have this experience and memory and I know it's one that will grow even grander over time. I've tried to take a photo of this tree that will give you an accurate perspective, but you'll just have to take my word for it. My neighbor, Bob, has a tree in his front yard that is probably about 4 or 5 stories tall. He hires tree trimmers every year (as in, the kind that cut trees down) to climb the tree and drop no telling how many strands of lights from the top to the bottom. At the tip top, there is a white star. The most amazing part about this is that you can see the tree from several blocks away. People are ALL OVER our street at the moment, driving slowly, stopping to get out and take photos, etc. I am sure you can see the tree from space if you know where to look! :) Or at least from an airplane. Anyway, it's the coolest thing ever.

Love - that we can walk down to the tree every night, with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, in our shorts, and really just bask in the blessing of this new experience.

Trying to love - the fact that this warm weather makes it seem more like Easter than Christmas. I feel like I'm missing the Christmas season entirely. I want to curl up on the couch every night and watch the countdown to Christmas movies, but it just doesn't seem like Christmas and I don't think about it. But I'm learning to be okay with this... comforted by the fact that we'll surf on Christmas day and swim on Christmas Eve and there are some definite advantages to life in the tropics.

Giving Thanks - Day 6

2010-11-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I am really thankful for my blog friends. Because although I am so happy to be in Hawaii today, having spent Thanksgiving on the beach, having the sun kiss my cheeks, and my children swimming in the ocean, my blog friends are very special blessings to me. I love living life with people in Finland and wherever the heck Lindsey lives, and Kansas and Miami and Texas and Tennessee. I love every one of you and hope you are having the most blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving of your life!

And IF you have not gotten a message asking you for your address... please leave it in the comments so I can send you a Christmas card.

Giving Thanks - Day 5

2010-11-24T22:01:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for this island and all the adventure it is bringing to our family, both big and small new experiences.

I'm thankful that we have family here this week, our first holiday away from home in a very long time. It's so much fun to share all these amazing things we've come to love with people we love.

My mother-in-law is a ton of fun. I love having her around. She's just really the best mother-in-law anyone could ever ask for!

She loves me, true. But she loves Brian like no other... and being the mother of three boys, I can say I understand!

My niece is here too. I was SO excited to see her. She lived around the corner from me for most of her life and I have missed this little toot!

To say I am thankful for the wedding that she and Connor had last night, in which they got married (big lip kiss and all), and then promptly got "divorced", might be a bit of a stretch, but I'm sure we'll look back on it and laugh some day!

I'm thankful my children are getting this little dose of home. I think we all needed it.

And most of all, today, I am thankful that these ~~idiots~~....

I mean... loved ones....

crucial ~~earners~~ members of our family....

Who may or may not be facing mid and late-life crises....

Who are ~~lamenting~~ celebrating their 60th and 40th birthdays in a most ridiculous and absurd way... and who took two of my babies AND my niece into the crises with them....

Did not actually get eaten...

by these!

Amen!

Giving Thanks - Day 4

2010-11-23T08:17:00.000-08:00

My Dad! Today is his birthday. He is 63. He is Liam's hero. And I know why, because growing up, he was my hero too. He's larger than life sometimes. You'd just have to know him to understand, but if you think of The Marlboro Man (not PDub's hubby, but the actual guy on the billboard), Bob Villa, Cesar Milan, and Bill O'Reilly all rolled into one, then you'd ~~be pretty confused~~ have a good idea of who my dad is. There's pretty much nothing my dad can't do, fix, learn, or teach. (In my lifetime, I've known him to break horses, fish, rodeo, rope, ride bulls, ride horses, raise cattle, grow tomatoes, build a house and many barns, and teach me to back a goose-neck horse trailer.) He's patient (he helped me put my garden out one year... do you need any more evidence of the man's patience? I think not!) He's a perfectionist (which is why my garden had perfect rows, despite my protest over how much time it was taking him.) He's a good ol' boy who taught me never to think too much of myself (his favorite saying was always, "There's two perfect people in this world... that's me and you. And I'm starting to worry about you."), do the right thing and you already know what the right thing is (if I ever asked him "What should I do?" His reply would almost always be, "I think you ought to save your money and buy yourself a cow." Now this may sound funny to you, but it wasn't amusing as a teenager when the question was something like, "I don't have money and all my friends are going to the Dairy Queen tonight. What should I do?" or "My check engine light is on in my car. What should I do?"), be honest, tell it like it is (maybe that's a lesson he should have kept to himself, it's gotten me and him in more trouble than it was worth... come to think of it, maybe that's why my mom is so reluctant to give her opinion... hmmmm), have an opinion (boy do I!) and stand for something, work your butt off and you might get a little spending money to go to town on. 'Cause that's what country kids do.... they go to town.

Psalm 13:5-6

5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Giving Thanks - Day 3

2010-11-22T12:51:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for parents who love me and support me. My mom has been my biggest cheerleader all my life. She may occasionally get frustrated with me, but for the most part, she thinks I do no wrong. Isn't this what every child should get to experience in their lives? A mother who lights up for you! I have the privilege of having had that all my life, and that is not something I should ever take for granted, though I often do. My mom is probably the most giving person I know. She is constantly taking food to someone, hosting someone, giving a shower for someone, or "doing" something or other for somone or other.

My mom is so much more than what she "does" for me, but there is no short list of those things either.

She sends me money for little frivolous things that she knows I want (and sometimes big things too.)
She buys Meg the most adorable clothes, she sends packages to all my kids on a regular basis, just because she knows they like mail, even if it's just a pack of gum, they get excited.
She comes to most every event the kids are involved in, which is a pretty good accomplishment, considering they are 3 hours away (well, right now they are about 30 hours away, but when we are home.) They aren't afraid to drive up for the day if it's something important in the life of a grandchild.
She taught me about trusting God, the power of prayer, and serving others. She gave me an inheritance of salvation and that is the best thing I could have ever gotten from anyone.
She never criticizes my choices or forces her opinions on me. She will SOMETIMES give her advice, but ONLY if she is asked for it. (And sometimes when you ask, she still won't tell you what she thinks. Boy, I sure didn't inherit that trait from her!)
She reminds me all the time of how lucky we both were to have been loved and cared for by my Granma (her mom) for as long as we were and she reminds me of the legacy I have to uphold.
There is not one thing I could not ask her for or that she would not give me. I could call her any hour, day or night, and she would do anything for me, no questions asked. Oh I hope I can be that for my children. It's the "any hour" thing I'm struggling with right now... those hours after 10 PM are pretty sacred when you have wee ones. hehehe
There is SO much more about my mom that I am thankful for, there's really not enough time or space here, but I think you get the picture.

I'm really irritated and ashamed that this is the only photo I could find of my mom on this computer. I have SO many more photos of her on my computer at home, her with my kids, her at events like soccer games and baptisms, etc. And this is not even a good photo because my mom isn't particularly a dog lover (she just happened to think this little pup was cute... Yes, Sandra, that is Rocky!) She's not looking at the camera, so you can't see her sweet face, but hopefully you can tell by her smile how easy she is to be with and how sweet she is. She is a beautiful woman. She always looks put together, her shoes always match! :) She is so precious to me and I can never repay all the ways that she has enriched me. I just hope I can pass some of it on to my children. As I get older I think so many times of some of the things I was told over and over as a child and they make so much sense to me and are so preicous to me, I want my children to understand them too!

Exodus 20:12
“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you. "

Giving Thanks - Day 2

2010-11-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's really hard for me to believe that God has pulled me aside, set me on the sidelines for a little "time-out" with God, and He was so tender and loving with me that He brought me to this place to have this time with me. It's truly, truly, indescribable in it's beauty, warmth, personality, and culture.

I'm thankful that God put this man at our helm. He is so capable and none of us have to worry too long about anything because "Daddy" can solve almost any crisis.

I'm thankful for the young man Jack is becoming. He is so super responsible and thoughtful. I'm proud of his heart and his attitude (most of the time.)

I'm thankful for the laughter this little stinker brings to my life. Seriously, my life would be so dull without him. He keeps me guessing, keeps me laughing, keeps me on my toes, and keeps me on my knees in prayer. (Yes, that is a dead crab he is holding.)

I'm thankful for the tenderness of this child. Oh, how he loves his mama!

I'm thankful for the beauty that surrounds us in every single nook and cranny of this island. Around every turn there is something completely different, new and adventurous to experience. And I love seeing my daughters beauty accentuated here.

I'm thankful that my children, despite their occasional protest and lament about home, are thriving here.

Psalm 136:6-9

⁶The Lord stretched the earth over the ocean.
God's love never fails.
⁷He made the bright lights in the sky.
God's love never fails.
⁸He lets the sun rule each day.
God's love never fails.
⁹He lets the moon and the stars rule each night.
God's love never fails.

A Week of Thanksgiving!

2010-11-21T00:35:00.000-08:00

So many people on Facebook have been doing a thankful post every day. It was a great idea. I really wish I had been with it enough to participate. Lord knows I have enough to be thankful for, more than enough, truth be told. But in an effort no to be totally flippant about my blessings, I'm going to try to do a post every day this week about the things I am thankful for right now. However, my in-laws come in tomorrow night, so it might be more difficult than I am planning. Which brings me to my #1, I am thankful to FINALLY have someone to share this paradise with. I'm so glad that they are coming.

To start with, I am thankful to share my life with this man. He isn't perfect...

But he is perfect for me. I am thankful that he is forgiving and tolerant and giving. I'm thankful that he has a good sense of humor and that he provides so well for our family. I'm thankful that he's about 1,000,000 times smarter than me and that he can manage money... and I'm particularly thankful that he's not too fussy about how the house is kept.

And to prove he has a good sense of humor, I'll share our Christmas decorations with you. Since Kristine asked.... and by the way, Kristine, these are the type decorations that the realtor asks you to take DOWN before you sell your house! :)

Remember I said that Brian has a sense of humor? Well, he has affectionately themed this Christmas decor "Redneck in the Tropics". And then he laughed that I can't do anything without a little touch of redneck... and I guess he's right. I prefer to think of it as not out-growin' my raisin'. But semantics, semantics... :)

I was very unhappy with how the tree turned out. I had the idea to use the colors of the sea (white foam, turquoise water, brown sand, silver just for sparkle.) It didn't seem quite "organic" enough, so we decided to put some of our sea treasures on the tree. These are things that we have found on the beach in various spots.

We fabricated a faux sea urchin for the topper. Sea urchins are everywhere, and quite honestly, they wig me out a bit, but they are SO cool and amazing. There is something about them that makes me want to reach out and touch them (something about the forbidden fruit I suppose.) It's very akin to the feeling I get when I stand at the top of a very tall building, like I might get the overwhelming urge to fly and not be able to stop myself. You don't have to admit you ever have that urge, I know some more of you are out there.

It's fun, but it's still not what I had envisioned. I'm really open to suggestions on how to maybe help this thing out a bit. Any of you uber decorators out there, please feel free to chime in here... Tropical Redneck, while entertaining, isn't a theme I'm necessarily stuck on.

I'm thankful that this is the end of my street and I will actually be sitting there on Thanksgiving morning with my niece and my in-laws.

There are so many other things I am thankful for.... but I will spare you the rambling and wait for tomorrow.

Psalm 136:1
"Praise the LORD! He is good. God's love never fails."

Things that will always make me think of Hawaii

2010-11-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

1. "Slippas" (flip flops) outside of every door (even at school.)

2. Rainbows (where is this place I live that people don't even notice rainbows unless they are "significant", as in a double, a full arch that you can actually see the end of, etc.) In their defense, rainbows truly are an every day occurrence.

3. Plumeria.

4. Nice people, everywhere. Did any of you see the interview with "Danno" from Hawaii Five O this week on Late Night? When asked whether he liked living in Hawaii, his response was, "It's great for the first couple of months, but eventually you start to miss angry people." HA! It's so true. People let you in front of them in traffic. The check-out line takes a while because most of the folks are going to "chat you up" while they are checking you out. I don't really know that I've seen anyone be impatient here.

5. Clouds on mountains. We live on the drier side of the mountain so the sun will be beaming here, but there will be ominous clouds "up on the ridge." It's completely majestic.

6. Walking to school.

7. Walking to pre-school.

8. Spam Musubi (Which, by the way, is sold at gas stations very similarly to the dried out hot-dogs and burritos they sell at convenience stores in TN.)

9. Brian's Jeep Dreaming of bringing it home with us, but who am I kidding... there are about three days out of the year that are actually mild enough to enjoy it in TN.

10. No air-conditioning.

11. Poll "baths" instead of "real" baths. Oops... Make that Pool Baths! :) Thanks Barb!

My favorite thing on the planet is being barefoot. I absolutely adore flip-flops. To be quite honest, if I had the community here that I have in TN (family, friends, neighbors, school, etc.) I would be so tempted to stay. The pervasive attitude here, where it's really okay if I run up to the school barefoot because Liam forgot his glasses, just fits me so well. I love how laid back everyone is. I love how no one is putting on heels to go to the PTO meeting. Everyone is just relaxed and giving everyone else the grace to live as they please.

Yay! Fun photos....

2010-11-16T00:48:00.000-08:00

I found someone in Hawaii willing to let me take their photos. My sewing room is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders... I needed a creative outlet that didn't cause a huge mess. You can check out their photos on my photo blog, if you have nothing else to do with the morning! Hope you have a GREAT Tuesday!

I need a title for my life...

2010-11-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

because when I go to post random stuff that happened throughout the week, I never know what to title it. Random things 101? Anyway, here is our week in review...

Jack, never satisfied to just do something, has to figure out how to make something MORE dangerous!

God really was so good to provide brothers, right next door, who like to do dangerous stuff too! And they slept over last week. God really did care that our boys would be missing the other brothers in our life!

This was Saturday night dinner at the Kahala Hotel.

Seriously, the Chuy's patio at home has really got NOTHIN' on this one....

The kids, ALL four cheesing the fakest grins you've ever seen. On the beach, during dinner.

The Kahala has a dolphin lagoon where you can see dolphins up close.....

very close....

We watch the NFL for breakfast over here. After church, we head to a local pub for breakfast and watching the Titans. The games start at 8:00 AM and are usually over by about 3.

Here's Connor creating his ketchup sensation....

Here's Connor when I told him he now had to find something to dip into that ketchup and actually eat it. We were out of fries, so it was either edamame or wings.....

Can't you just hear the sigh?

And the whine?

And the protest?

Aww, yeah, here we go, full on tizzy.

Manipulation central.... even though it never works, why does he keep trying it with me?

Then trying to pretend that it actually was terrible... hard to hide a smile when it's that yummy.

Liam watching the game

So precious! I love this smile. This is the smile that lights up a room. This is the one you get when he really is happy, and not just obliging his mama.

All I can do when I see this is breathe a sigh. It makes me tired to look at these two, knowing what it took to get it off of them, and the walls. Please feel sorry for me! Please? I have many more years of these two living together! I hear you laughing... especially you Mama!

Then, in my spare time this week, I made a skirt for my niece, which Meg promptly claimed as her own. Threw it on with her cowboy boots and called herself happy!

And she looked so darn cute, I just went and bought more fabric to make another one. Oh well!

Good thing I got all those change of address letters written before I left... ahem.... because the tooth fairy had to make a very special stop this week! And there are three more very close behind it. Connor says he's going to be singing "All I want for Christmas is my FOUR front teeth." :)

Hawaiian word of the day... Joy: Hau'oli, 'oli, le'a

How can I have anything but joy, that my Savior has been so gentle-handed with me that He has asked me to serve Him by serving these five goofballs I call family. And He's asked me to do it where it's 85 degrees outside everyday, I live two blocks from the beach, and there is a rainbow almost every day to remind me that He is here too!

Nanea (nah-nay-ah)

2010-11-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

The Hawaiian Dictionary defines nanea as 1. Of absorbing interest; fascinating, enjoyable, repose, leisure, tranquility, relaxed... 2. an instrument of pleasure

And she is....

Just overlook Connor's cheesy smile. It's much better to catch him off-guard, since this is his "cheese" face. :) I think he takes the "say cheese" thing a little too literally... which I never say "say cheese", but I digress.

Ahhh... I'm not really even a cat person (well, maybe I am becoming more of a cat person since I seem to be collecting cats at this point.) Nanea sort of adopted us. She came up to me and wouldn't leave me alone. She kept crying and meowing and begging to be petted. Maybe that should have been a clue that she's a big talker! Jack says it's because she's a girl... humph.... but this cat talks ALL the time.... except when she's sleeping.

I think this is her, "I've had enough" pose.

Either that or she is flipping me the bird and her middle digit just isn't long enough to differentiate from the others.

I'm not really sure.

But I think she's just trying to get some peace.

I understand your feelings here, Nanea. I can't get any peace around here either. I understand that you have to sleep as much as you can when the kids are gone. Sorry, I will leave you alone now.

I have really great news that you must hear!

2010-11-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard yet, all your worries are gone. You need never experience anything uncomfortable again. Think you are a little overweight... no problem. Have too much debt, no worries! Miss your friends back home? Take it off your mind. Did you know that you can now get BLISS in a BOTTLE? That's right, they sell it at Costco. I am not sure how much it costs because yesterday our Costco was sampling BLISS for free. Bliss should be free, don't you think? Anyway, does it really matter how much it costs? I mean, after all, this is BLISS we're talking about here! Bliss, defined as "a state of extreme happiness." The bottle promises "happiness in every bottle." It says it enhances your mood, improves your memory, and increases your ability to handle stress. Can I get this in IV form?

In all seriousness, I think it's actually pretty sad that our culture markets things like this. Our humanity is in such a sad state of affairs that we are turning to things in bottles called "bliss" and away from the Creator of true happiness. But that's another post for a more heavy day. Today we have fun stuff to talk about. Just look for Bliss in your local market (they also have Sleep (self explanatory), Sonic (energy) and Gasm... which best I can figure is short for something... they call it "passion in a bottle.")

Meme sent us a goody box with supplies for our party. I put the treat bags together in a cauldron and had a glow stick necklace for each child. Turns out island children are severely deprived... they kept asking me where I found these things! :)

I'm a terrible mother.... this is the only good photo I got of Connor in his Halloween garb, and he's not even got on the accessories.

And here is the ONLY photo of Liam in his costume (which matched Connor's).... bad mommy!

This is Irma.... (see, it says so on the photo!)

She was on the beach last weekend when we went surfing....

Irma has a pretty good life.

The Monk Seal Preservationist people put up a rope around every Monk Seal that comes ashore on the beach. We got right up to the rope, but apparently, that wasn't enough room for Irma because she lifted her head at one point, which apparently means that she is agitated. So we had to move back. About ten feet. See, I told you Irma had a good life.

She lays on the beach all day long, protected by a 30 foot barrier from having to interact with other, "less desirable" beach-goers. And all she has to do is give one forlorn look and there's someone right there to warn everyone that she is getting pissy! How can I get a 30 foot buffer from interacting with the "less desirable" of the beach? You know who you are.... you SAND THROWERS!

The drive home from the beach was a little boring... so I entertained myself by making pretty designs with my camera and the taillights of other cars.

Mama's got a brand new do.... It's terrible, really! I wore a wig for Halloween... it looked better than my real hair. And fake eyelashes. I forgot how much I love fake eyelashes. I'm wearing them again today... because I can... and they're fun!

My little Sleeping Beauty (what an oxymoron, this child never sleeps!)

Love that she wanted to wear her cowboy boots with her dress!

See that lightening coming out of her eyes? That's REAL! She can really do that! Just ask her brothers!

Those eyes.... oh those eyes.... they cast a spell on me!

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

"Now that we know what we have - Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God - let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."

Bad habits follow me everywhere....

2010-10-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today, Meg and I decided to make some cupcakes. Really, Meg decided she was going to make cupcakes, which required my participation, but anyway, it sounds more domestic and motherly if I say that I was a willing participant in this activity that a) made a mess and b) will FORCE me to eat something fattening. Anyway, beside the point.

While I was heating the oven, waiting to put this in.... I started to smell something.

I realized I had never removed these from the oven. I knew something was missing at dinner last night.

Oops.... to my complete dismay, I am STILL not Martha Stewart!

**** Who actually likes Martha Stewart anyway? I'm pretty sure she has no sense of humor whatsoever! And she's semi-old. And she is single, even her husband didn't like her (which is saying alot if, you know, a way to a man's heart is through his stomach and she's an amazing cook and all...) Plus I don't think she can actually do all that cooking, she has a staff. PDub has no staff... right? And Martha isn't exactly known for her truthfulness, if you know what I mean. So what if she's good at stuff. So what if she does date Anthony Hopkins (he's kinda hot for an old guy.) So screw Martha Stewart. I don't want to be like her anyway. Now Ree Drummond? I'll think a little more about wanting to be like her. She's FUNNY! She clearly has a great sense of humor. She's real! And her HUSBAND is hot too! So, take that Martha... you're out!

Y'all are not going to believe this....

2010-10-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

In my life I've never heard of such. We took Meg to see the doctor today (not Dr. Heil, sniff sniff) and low and behold, she had a seed tick on her head. Huh? Where the tarnation did that thang come from? Oh, sorry, that's how it sounds in my head.... anyway, back to the point. So, I asked the nurse for a pair of tweezers so I could pull the little sucker (literally) off. She said, "Oh, I don't think you should do that. Let's let Dr. T pull it off." "Oooookaaaayyyyy, uh, if you think so. Well, okay... I guess."

Enter Dr. T.
Me: "Can you get me some tweezers so I can get this tick off my daughters head?"

Dr. T: "It's probably a louse. Let me see. Yes, that is a louse." (He is sort of backing away at this point.)

Me: "Nooooo, that is a tick. I have seen many a tick and believe me, that's not lice, it's a tick." (as it turns out, I've actually seen lice too, and believe me, that ain't no louse....)

Dr. T: "We don't have ticks in Hawaii."

Me: "Well, apparently you do because we haven't been off the island in six weeks."

Dr. T: "I'm going to need to send this off to the lab to have it identified."

Me: "Okay, but I can go ahead and tell you it's a tick." tee hee hee

So, we went on to laugh about the fact that this was so commonplace for me. And the fact that I have removed more than my fair share of ticks, between myself, my husband, and my four kids, there's not a tick I can't stare down at 40 paces. And the best laugh was that he has been a pediatrician for probably 35 years and this is the first time he's seen a tick on a child (or even a real live tick, for that matter.) So, for the first time in my life as a mother (and on only my second visit to this particular doctor) I have finally stumped the ped. Of course, it doesn't REALLY count because it wasn't Dr. Heil, but still.

Seriously though, have any of y'all EVER heard of such non-sense? Sending a tick off to a lab to be "identified." Sorry he didn't come with his papers properly displayed, but I'm fairly certain it's a plain old deer tick. There's a few things these island folk could learn from us Southerners. :) Can you imagine the look on the faces of someone at the lab if they sent that thing to LabQuest in Mississippi or Alabama? Ha! I'd love to hear what Aunt Susie had to say about that!

Week 5 in Paradise

2010-10-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

So, I am a terrible person, I don't blog and I don't clean my house. There, I said it, I feel so much better about myself! :) I am sure you didn't have any idea that I am a slob so it feels really good to get that off my chest. But I did clean today. And I did get my hair cut. I know there is a way to take a photo of myself via the MacBook, but I haven't figured out what it is yet... so I'll show you later. What I can share is this:

We went out to Makapu'u last Wednesday while Amy was still here.

Boys will be boys, no matter what!

The consummate crab hunter

My gorgeous girl!

It's okay to hate someone who has those abs and never works out, right?

All of a sudden, he loves the camera????

Someone crammed this lightpole into the side of the rocks to make a "jumping" board.

The dirtiest feet in the world...

Green Peace? Whale Wars? Monthly donations?

2010-10-19T01:50:00.000-07:00

On my way into Good Will today to purchase my second sewing machine in as many weeks, I was stopped by a very ~~young~~, enthusiastic, ~~naive~~, well-meaning, unaware-of-what-he-was-getting-into gentleman. He was with Green Peace. I know because that's what his shirt said. And he told me. And also he had a little piece of paper that he wanted me to sign saying I would give money to them every month.

Now first of all, before you start laughing at the sheer absurdity that a Southern girl, raised on a working rodeo-stock farm would ever join an organization like Green Peace, you must, in honor of Paul Harvey, hear the "rest of the story."

Green Peace Guy (a.k.a. GPG) - Do you care about our oceans and over-fishing by commercial fishermen?

Me: Um, yesssss?

GPG: Do you know that sometimes when commercial fishermen catch more than they need, they will throw "extras" like pregnant dolphins back into the water?

Me: (thinking to myself, "I didn't realize that when you were doing something for money you would ever say, "ooops, I've caught too much, better not bring home a check that big, the kids might start asking for more stuff... let's unload some of this ~~cash~~ fish before we hit the docks." I know this to be a fact because I've never seen the guys on Deadliest Catch throw anything back.... I'm an expert on these things, I watch Discovery Channel ALL the time!) What I really said was, "No, I didn't realize that."

GPG: Well, did you know that our waters are being fished for whales against international law and Green Peace has managed to obtain protection of 6% of the oceans?

Me: Since you brought up the whales, you know I was just thinking about that show Whale Wars. You know, I think it's a Green Peace guy that started that organization.

GPG: Yes, so you're familiar with what we're trying to do in the oceans then?

Me: You know the thing that always cracks me up about that show? Those guys are so passionate about those whales that they are willing to go to jail or even die to protect even one whale from dying, but you know what, I bet every single person on that boat is pro-choice, don't you? I mean, I bet none of them mind when a human baby gets killed? Don't you guess?

GPG: (Now starting to clearly wish he had found someone else to approach) Well, I never really thought about it. I try not to get into politics too much. I'm just advocating that we demand that Congress clean up our oceans. (now switching his approach.) Did you know that some of the trash from the Great Pacific Waste Dump is starting to wash up on the North Shore, right here in Oahu. Surely that is something you care about. And if you will just fill out this pledge form and make a monthly commitment, we can go to Congress and tell them "You will do what we say and we say you WILL trawl that 10 story deep trash pit in the Pacific." Surely that's something you could support.

Me: You know, I also support that cosmetic products not be tested needlessly on animals. PETA is also against animal testing. But I am not a member of PETA because although we agree on that one subject, there are about 10,000 other subjects we disagree on. So I tell you what, if you'll give me a business card, I'll go home and look you up on-line. If the values of Green Peace and the values of Sasha Harrison line up, I'll fill in the pledge information and gladly make a contribution.

GPG: Have fun sewing! (I'm not making that up, that's exactly how he gave me the brush off!)

First of all, if he had only known I was from the South, he probably wouldn't have bothered. Second, if he HAD bothered ~~or been a gentleman in any way~~, he would have offered to carry my circa 1963 Singer to the car for me because it was CLEARLY heavy (evidenced by the fact that I switched arms twice and finally gave up and set it down.) Girls from the South are suckers for guys that do stuff like that just to be nice. And third, a 23 year old liberal should never try to out-sell a 40 year old mama who knows about the orphan crisis. Just sayin', I have things in perspective here! :)

In other news, our bunny has disappeared and it appears the Harrisons are not meant to be pet owners here in HI.

Also, Amy is leaving on Saturday and I'm so distraught I would have decked the GPG if I had thought of it sooner, it would have made me feel alot better to get that angst of her leaving out on someone.

In other Clampet-esk news, we came home from the mall tonight and the door from the garage to the kitchen was open. Amy wigged out and thought she saw someone in the kitchen so long story shortened, we call the police (Brian wasn't home yet) and within about 5 minutes, there are no less than 6 cop cars in front of our house, one guy on the corner watching the perimeter, two guys on the front lawn and a man and woman officer going into the house. The man had a RIFLE (not the kind my Daddy uses to hunt deer, but a HUGE black assault rifle) drawn and cocked. ~~Then I realized it was live filming for Hawaii-Five-O.~~ Turns out there was no one in the house, but I did get a big fat lecture about leaving my windows open when I'm not home. They said I was just inviting a burglar. So, we're all locked up and sweating tonight! :) If only I had an attack dog, I could be safe AND cool all at the same time. I say that because there are signs all around at the really nice houses near me that say "Guard Dog on Duty." It makes me laugh, like maybe the dog doesn't live there, but actually just comes in shifts like that cartoon dog that used to punch the clock. I think his name was Sam. Anyway, I never really notice dogs at those houses, just the signs, so maybe they don't have dogs at all. But I think if I were a thief, I'd choose another house anyway. :)

Oh, and by the way, our word of the day today was Sabotacion. (As in, we were sabotaged.) :)

And we went to the Lego store tonight. There was a mini-figure building contest and Liam won. :)

Heating Things Up in Hawaii

2010-10-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Jack and Meg's birthdays. Jack wanted to take surf lessons to celebrate his "golden" birthday (11 on the 11th) so we signed up with Hawaiian Fire. This is an AMAZING group of men and women, firefighters, who love to surf and are pretty dang good at it. They took their passions (surfing and helping people) and combined them into a business. And voila, we get the privilege of learning to surf by a bunch of able-bodied firefighters (who aren't hard to look at either, I might add.) In addition to the surfing lessons, we've had a few other adventures this week. We climbed to the top of Diamond Head (although I have no photos to show because my camera battery died.) And we visited Kaimana Beach, Manoa Beach Park for Fireworks, and attended the "International Hispanic Celebration" in Kapiolani Park. We saw the Palace of one of the former queens and the Kamehameha statue. Pictures will better tell the story. Enjoy!

Here's Amazing Amy, getting psyched up for her lesson.

Jack is going to miss Amy when she goes home (in less than two weeks) because she is his tireless playmate.

Amy is a natural on the surf board. This was the result the FIRST time she tried.

The birthday crew

Daddy's girl!

Connor and his instructor, Sean

It made it a little easier to watch my baby being dragged off into the powerful surf knowing he was in the hands of a very capable surfer/firefighter guy! :)

Oops, almost a crash. You can't tell from this photo, but Sean had his hand on Jack's board, avoiding being run over and at the same time, managing to keep Jack upright on his board! Be still my heart! Almost lost two at once there! hehee

The Gun Show Crew

Oh have mercy!

Brian surfing on his first try....

Connor getting ready to stand up, Jack in the background

Liam about to stand up... check out the skills on this guy, he can surf, lean over to pick up a kid, and keep his baseball hat on all at the same time.

Liam couldn't believe he was actually surfing. The look on his face is totally priceless!

The crew... they even let mama in the photo (even though I was the only one who didn't surf.)

Liam heading out to sea.

Even Meg got in on the action, thanks to the sweetness of the instructor.

You can tell from the ear to ear grin that she loved EVERY single second of it. What a great 4th birthday memory!

King Kamehameha (Kah-may-ha-may-ha)

Super cool tree... not sure what Jack is doing here?

Something new in our fridge. We're trying to be adventurous with our eating. These are Rhambutan and they can be found at Costco. :) They taste something between a strawberry and a grape with the texture of a grape.

Friday night pic-nic and fireworks... amazing!

Sunset over Manoa Beach

Eyes Wide Open (Closed)

2010-10-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have two things that I have discovered lately that I wanted to recommend to all of you. The first is the new Jars of Clay CD, which I believe came out yesterday. The CD is entitled The Shelter and it is amazing. This is a band that truly never disappoints me. There is never a CD that sounds like the last one, there's never a time when I'm not blown away by the insightfulness and depth of their lyrics and talent! I highly recommend the new album, it's amazing! You can click here to download the CD from iTunes.... promise you'll be blessed.

Second thing I wanted to recommend was a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I love this book and I have read and re-read it. It's got some really good stuff in there. The book is almost entirely based on one verse in the Bible, Ephesians 5:33. I've read that verse a thousand times, but this is an entire book blowing the whole verse and the way I've read it into micro-view. Without giving away the entire context of the book, Eggerichs goes into explaining WHY God felt it was necessary to point out to men that they should love their wives (love isn't always the "natural" emotion for men) and why He felt that He needed to insist that women "RESPECT" their husbands (He designed us to love unconditionally, but respect isn't typically something women think about in showing that love.) The book is a bit redundant in the first section, several stories to illustrate and re-emphasize his points, but stick with it, in the second section of the book it gets better. It's something I will be giving to every couple from this day forward as a wedding gift. I believe it may be THE key to a good marriage. It's definitely improved my relationship with Brian. It's relieved me from feeling the need to always be "in control" (read that as control freak and you'll be more accurate!)

Anyway, I hope that these two things bless you the way they have blessed me. They have each been a gift to me in multiple ways.

Ephesians 5:33

"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

If ever something needed to go viral...

2010-10-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Then this is it!

In Vicky Bell's blog, there is a letter to her daughter. I don't know Vicky, I don't know her daughter. But in this "day and age", alot of things "go viral" on the internet from very organic origins (remember the sneezing kitty, the dancing baby, the chubby guy singing?) Well, THIS BLOG POST!, my friends, is worthy of "viral" and I hope I can hang on to this so that all of my kids will know this at some point in their lives. I wish I had known this when I was in high school and college, but I guess, the truth is, no one ever knows this until they've gone through a few bad things and lived to tell the story, and lived to know that nothing is ever as devastating as you initially think it is. Can we really ever "tell" someone this and have them believe it? Or do we all have to get to adulthood by the skin of our teeth, through "kid-stupid" stunts and bad choices? But still, it's a good reminder. Thank you, Vicky, whoever you are, for sharing this seasoned "mom" wisdom with the world.

Aloha from Hawaii...

Sasha!

Stuck in two worlds....

2010-10-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I told Brian (he's still going by his actual name) that I am stuck between two worlds. First, I am missing my friends. On the one hand, there is this in Tennessee.....

My precious niece, who I get to live around the corner from... ahhh, family!

Our fun cubby bedrooms, that are filled with friends every day! And my nephew, Harry!

Our fun friends, and Friday night Mexican!

Our neighborhood!

The boat and OUR DOG!!!!!!!

Other great friends!

The CAT!

Our best buddies!

More family... not that we saw them any more often, but they were there if we needed them!

Our sweet Hopey girl!

Gentry's Farm and MORE friends!

This amazing individual... and this good hair... what happened to that?

And her! Sister!

I can't help but giggle... nothing but funniness coming from this little one!

Fostering dogs...I miss it! And I miss Shawn, who I foster WITH!

Fall colors.... ahhhh! And cool weather!

Changing leaves... and Mickey!

"non" snow days....

And these goof balls....

And this amazing family... I miss them the mostest!

But some day, I'll be sad that I can't go to the beach for sunset in a two minute walk!

Or that I don't have a pool in my back yard.

And that I'm not a 25 minute drive from this... and the sea turtles!

And this isn't just at the end of my block....

And when I look out my back door at night, this won't be what I see a year from now....

The Pali Overlook won't be a 25 minute drive from my house....

Where the wind blows harder than anywhere I've ever been... consistently... day after day.

(My little Marilynn Monroe!)

These gorgeous views will be a memory.

Rainbows will be over the Primus building, not a palm tree (right Sandra?)

Hokulani may or may not be part of our future....

But this little angel definitely WILL be there!

Thank you God, for Roots and Wings!

We're "with the crew" now

2010-09-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, they filmed Episode 7 of Hawaii Five-O right on our street. They were filming at a house down the street from us, but their stuff was spread from one end of the street to another. It was really neat. The Amazing Amy stayed out there watching for a good part of the afternoon. And guess what, she gave a boy her phone number. And he gave her his "Camera Crew" shirt. How cool is that? Alex O'Loughlin took a photo with Amy and Meg. It turned out blurry, but still, it's proof that he's a nice guy. And he even looks friendly in the photo, doesn't he?

It sort of cracks me up that a "big budget" TV production would have this dinky little sign on a piece of typing paper to alert folks that they have to go to a different bus stop. This sign is what initially clued us in to the fact that they were filming on our street.

This is at the filming site, Connor and Meg were just taking refuge from a little afternoon sprinkle.

On other fronts, we have another Harrison living with us in Hawaii. Seriously, you didn't think I could go a very long time without a pet did you? Actually, this is Amazing Amy's pet, but she is sharing her with us. Her name is Hokulani (hoe-koo-la-knee), which means "Star from Heaven." She's pretty friendly as bunnies go (though most of them aren't big on being held and she's no exception.) The kids are having alot of fun with her. It was SOOOOO hard for me. We went to the Humane Association and I wanted to leave there with about ten of the animals. But I'm trying to keep it simple here, so a bunny that we can share with Amazing Amy is probably just the right ticket. Hokulani is sitting in my lap right now as I type this and she's the cutest dang flop eared calico colored bunny you've ever seen.

My dad reports that Vince has loved rides in the back of the pick-up and that he is a true farm dog now... you know, the kind that will sit in the truck and wait for you while you go into a store and get a cold drink. I never thought I'd see the day, but they could actually do a show about my dad and dogs, he's a regular Cesar Milan.

Sorry I don't have any great photos of sea turtles or other Hawaiian life, we have settled in to the extent that laundry and dishes have kicked in. Regular life happens, even in paradise! :) But the boys are on fall break next week and we will be exploring quite a bit so I should have some more exciting adventures to report.

Okay, I'm boring myself to tears. Hope you are all having a FABULOUS Thursday.

In the "clampets go Hawaiian" category

2010-09-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know... I've been all hoity toity about our arrival here, like we haven't embarrassed ourselves or made Tennessee's reputation any worse around the globe, but here's the truth:

1. How many times can members of one family run through a screen or go head on into a sliding glass door before they start to realize that it's not always open? We even put stickers on the glass, but it doesn't seem to help. Meg and Jack have done it multiple times. Connor and ME once each. Seriously, both Connor and I have knocked the screen out of the track. Meg and Jack have both run into the glass so many times we know the sound now without asking what it was. Let me tell you, it's a shock when you think you're walking outside but are stopped by some semi-invisible force-field. I know how Luke Skywalker felt now!
1.a. The Amazing Amy has actually run into HER screen door too... which is just a normal old screen door with major black frame around it. Total Rednecks!

2. We have successfully seduced the neighbor's cat, Pumba, with cans of tuna. In my animal withdrawals, I couldn't help myself. And now he cries outside The Amazing Amy's door at night wanting more food. The neighbor (who actually owns Pumba) approached us tonight to say that they were worried because they haven't seen him in 2 days. Had we seen him? "Yes, he's been at our house. I can't imagine why he isn't coming home." Hmmmmmm? He's some fancy shmansy breed of chinchilla persian.... we don't have them there sorts of cats in TN.... we just have the plain old kind you find on the side of the road!
2.a. Speaking of cats you find on the side of the road, our kitty, Mickey (you know, the one that needed hip replacement right before we left) has been doctored back to health by the fine folks at Battleground Hospital for Animals. He is walking with a slight limp, but has all four legs and will soon be ready to go home with some lucky family who is willing to adopt him... hint hint friends!

3. I framed the sign my BFF, Sonja, gave me. It says, "Think Globally... Act Hillbilly". I LOVE it... I put it on the porch where I "take my coffee" in the mornings! :) Yes, I "take my coffee" now. That's fancy talk for "sit down and try to jolt myself awake with a mega-dose of caffeine as I curse the sun."

4. I told the neighbors that we liked to swim before bedtime and we hoped it wasn't bothering them. The neighbors said, "Oh, we hear you guys!" Does that mean we are loud? I guess opening the front door and yelling, "Jack.... Liam.... time for dinner" would be out of the question here. Even at home it occurred to me that it was a bit "farmish" for me to do that, but that's how I was raised. I got "called in for dinner" before the days of cell phones and iPods, so every child needs their parents to embarrass them from time to time, just to keep it real, right?

5. Brian "lost" the keys to his new Jeep. He bought a Jeep on Thursday and lost the ONLY key on Sunday. You should have heard the words coming out of his mouth this morning at 6:45 when he was trying to leave for work. Boy, I haven't heard words like that since I used to play golf. Anyway, Amazing Amy found them... they were sitting on top of the dust pan in the garage? Lord only knows.....

6. I know it's a shock that someone as organized and attentive as me.... oh look, a chicken..... would fail to visit the hairdresser before coming out to ~~another country~~ Hawaii. But, I did.... and so, my roots were about 3 inches long. It's not a very good look when you combine with that the fact that I decided to give myself some dramatic highlighted bangs this summer and dissolved half my bangs in the process. What? I didn't know that if you wadded up hair when it had bleach on it it would spontaneously combust. Well, it didn't actually catch fire, but it did get smoking hot and when I unfurled it from it's clip, about two inches of dissolved away in my hands. What was left was basically clear. Add that to hair that had already suffered some major sort of paralyzation from the lice treatment we did back in April and you have some not so nice affects. Anyway, that's way back in June. Fast forward to September, Hawaii, and ten inch roots.... I, in my infinite wisdom, decided it would just be best to try to skip the whole bleach thing this time around and go with some sort of semi-permanent (something that I don't understand.... isn't that actually an oxy-moron? I mean, if it's permanent, how can it be "semi") hair color. I selected a shade called "Caramel" because for some reason, I always love the thought of caramel colored hair. What I got was a nice shade of lavender. NOT joking! My hair was actually a lovely shade of purple when I got out of the shower. So.... it was either CUT IT all off (think Sinead O'Connor) or go super-dark. I opted to go super-dark, which explains yesterday's photo at the Bay and the dark hair. I still may end up having to cut it off because the color is fading suspiciously fast. I'm reminded of that song, Sunscreen, where he says, "Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you are 30 it will look 85." Yeah, maybe I should have remembered the song BEFORE all the hair drama! :)